DC United as New York Turns in Bullish Performance


“This mirror makes me look 10 years younger!” screamed Jackson, as he frightened a little boy. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 2.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-4, 2 R, 1 3B, 1 HR, 2 RBI. If Bryce is coming out of his slump, he’s coming out of it in a big way. If he’s not, then the definition of slump has changed.

Shame of the Game:

Jeremy Hefner: Loss, 5 IP, 8 H, 5 ER, 3 K. The Hef really fucked the Mets with this performance. I imagine the Mets now get a centerfold appearance in return.


If there’s anything that can cause severe depression, it’s losing to the Mets. Thankfully, the Nationals seem to have moved past that experience, as they showed up out on the field and won Sunday’s game. I don’t know what helped them move on. Was it anti-depressants? If so I hope they’re legal, or at least that someone was smart enough to pay $10,000 to create a fake website to legitimize them. Was it the fact that Gio Gonzalez is physically incapable of not smiling, and it was contagious amongst his teammates? Almost definitely. Whatever it was, I’m just glad the Nats didn’t take losing to the Mets so hard that they did something to take away the pain that they’d regret. That’s for us to do when Rizzo shuts Strasburg down.

Not only was the win big for the team, but also for Gio, who got his 16th win of the season to set a Nationals single-season record. Finally, the Nats have a Sweet Sixteener. We should throw him a lavish party. It will probably be a lot better than when we threw Livan Hernandez a Quinceañera for setting the original record. He just showed up and ate all the guests’ dinners…

It is becoming clearer by the day that a healthy Ian Desmond is a worthless Ian Desmond. After days of playing through injury and excelling, Desmond has gone 0-11 since returning for the DL. I think it’s reasonable to request that the Nats maybe take care of business in the locker room. I’m talking about making him slip on soap or something, not the usual Tom Gorzelanny touching himself session just so he has somebody to watch. Although if Ian looks directly at that, that could do much worse harm than slipping on soap.

The game’s start was delayed by a lengthy 2 hour, 26 minute rain delay. It looked bleak at times, but the umpires were determined to get this game in. They should really fix the shower in the umpire’s lounge. I hate waiting around for so long just so they can clean their stink off.

The Nats will welcome the Braves to town on Monday for their last series together in DC this season. I hope Washington is a gracious host. The gracious kind of host that beats you with bats, throws things at you from close distances at 100 mph, and overpowers you so that all who love you end up very sad. Hospitality at its finest.

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