If This Were the Olympics He’d Be Medlen’: Nats Can’t Top Golden Kris

Ross Detwiler is a towelhead. Wait, is that racist? (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Braves 5, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Craig Stammen: 1.2 IP, 0 ER, K. The fact is, middle relievers only have a chance at this most prestigious award in games that suck. If neither the starting pitcher nor anyone on the offense did anything to stand out, forcing me to delve into the nether reaches of the box score for a Dame, it probably means either the Nats lost or they were playing the Astros. Sadly, they were not playing the Astros.

Shame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki: 0-4, K, Error. I want to love you, Kurt Suzuki, but sometimes you make loving so hard.


Ugh, I’ve been trying to sweep my floor all day, but I think my brooms are defective. Random side note, had to complain about that to someone. You’d think with all this fancy modern technology they’d be able to make brooms that work, you know?

A dirty floor isn’t the worst of my problems. The Nats lost to the Braves last night, in a game that, had they won, would have put Atlanta practically out of reach of the division title at 8 games back. Sometimes it’s important to put things out of the reach of children, like cookies, guns, and sex toys. The division crown will still be tough for the Braves to grab, but they can at least see it, which means they might be tempted to do something crazy and dangerous like buy a ladder or win all the rest of their games. It would have been safer for everyone if the Nats had not given them the option.

But lose the Nats did, and messily. They made three errors leading to two unearned runs, and two more scored when Bryce Harper ran the wrong direction on a fly ball to center. Probably at first he was just running to high five someone wearing a “Don’t Be a Clown Bro” shirt on the right field line, but then he realized the ball was hit over his head and he had to change direction.

I haven’t seen a Nationals-related event so messy since Tom Gorzelanny forgot to use the bathroom after a team outing to an Indian buffet.

The Nats offense was helpless against Kris Medlen, who looked about as good as Stephen Strasburg did the previous night. Which gives me another idea for a solution to the Strasburg problem: kidnap Kris Medlen, brainwash him into believing he’s Stephen Strasburg, give him extensive cosmetic surgery, and have him pitch for us the rest of the season. Then we can brainwash John Lannan into believing he’s Kris Medlen, irreparably damage his arm so he won’t even be mediocre, and drop him off in Atlanta. The Braves will be none the wiser.

For some reason, John Lannan always comes out on the losing end of my solutions to the Strasburg problem. Oh well.

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