I’M TOO ANGRY TO COME UP WITH A CLEVER HEADLINE: Phils Sweep Nats

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This nut kicking epidemic is getting out of hand. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 2-4, 2 2B, 1 RBI. For the second game this series, Moore was the only National to drive in a run. I wish we could have a lot Moore of him in the lineup…ha…ha…but the last time we tried cloning a player, a slug snuck into the machine with Kip Wells and…well…now we have Tom. So let’s not risk that again.

Shame of the Game:

That strange congealed mayonnaise pile who sits in the Phillies dugout and makes pitching changes, for somehow out-managing Davey this series. What? That’s a human being? Hmm, that kind of explains why he’s wearing pants.

———-

I trusted you, Barack Obama. I trusted you, when in 2008, you promised change in Washington. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it would take time, but I thought by 2012 our time would have arrived. I understand you inherited a mess from Bush, but I hoped you would follow through with your goals. I expected the change that you promised, but all I’ve seen is the same shit that I’ve known since 2005. You have done nothing to help Washington. Just look at the numbers! We are still losing series to the Phillies and I am fed up! I voted for you to have you help Washington beat the Phillies. But instead, the Phillies sweep yet another series from us, and go up 7-5 on the season. You have done a sad sad job as President. I mean, kudos on the wars ending, gay marriage supporting, car industry saving, etc. But really, you fucked up here and that’s inexcusable.

A series sweep at the hands of the Phillies is really a traumatizing event. I mean, are we supposed to just move on? This situation happening this year is like having your old elementary school bully show up 10 years later being really hilariously unfortunate thanks to obesity and a hard drug addiction, yet he still manages to kick your ass. It’s depressing, and all the kids laugh at you. Only when young Phillies fans laugh, it’s more of a grunt or snarl. Complicated sounds are difficult for them. We just let Philly walk all over us this series. I’ll be surprised if we can get up and fight again. Not metaphorically, I just feel that the average weight of a Phillies fan is quite spine-crushingly high, thanks to the beer and cheesesteaks they down like water.

There aren’t any performances that deserve discussion from Sunday’s game, or really this whole series. Let us try to move on and forget about it. I mean it’s really easy to move on from embarrassing gaffes like this in today’s America. Just look at Todd Akin. I mean he still has that impressive lead in his race despite the embarrassing things he did. Now, I’ll just check the latest Rasmussen Poll to confirm that statement is right. Let’s see, on July 30th he was up 3%. Oh, a nice sizable lead like the Nationals have. Now the most recent poll has him…down 10%. Oh no. Oh no no no. We are in trouble.

Let’s just relax. Monday is an off day. We can get out of Philly and move onto a place without any horrible fans, Marlins Park. I can say there are no horrible fans there confidently because there are no fans of any kind at Marlins Park.

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