I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Loss: Nationals Spread Happiness with Win

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Justin Ruggiano has no escape from the terrifying baseball. (Photo by Marc Serota/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Marlins 4.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-5, 2 R, 2 HR, 3 RBI. Two home runs in one game. Wow. One wasn’t enough for you, Bryce? Oh right, you’re a Mormon.

Shame of the Game:

Jacob Turner: Loss, 5 IP, 6 H, 5 ER, 6 K. Many Nationals climbed all over Jacob’s Ladder to reach a heavenly state today from ending their five game losing streak. The Marlins on the other hand slid down the lesser noted Jacob’s Chute, falling farther into the hell that comes with being a Marlin.

———-

Rosie the Riveter was right. We can do it! We can win baseball games! Many didn’t believe in us, many thought that we were at the point where we’d sit back and let the rest of the league run all over us like they had been for years. But disaster struck. A 5-game losing streak. We had to step up and show our worth, that we could do things just as well as anyone else. Finally, during the 6th game we have achieved what we’ve been working so hard for. Hopefully we are never relegated to sitting back and losing ever again, and we remain on an equal plane with the rest of the league for the rest of the way.

Victory has rarely tasted so sweet. Mostly for teams who beat the A’s minor league affiliate Burlington Bees and destroy their stadium to find the honey they’re hiding. Hopefully this miserable experience teaches the Nationals that losing over and over is not appreciated in Washington, except by the people who nominated William Jennings Bryan and Adlai Stevenson again and again. But I don’t think any of them are around anymore. Except for maybe Davey Johnson. He was definitely around for Bryan’s first election.

What a day it was for Bryce Harper. For the first time in his career he had a multi-home run game. No, he actually hit two home runs. It wasn’t him just energetically rounding the bases twice like he usually tries to. Then towards the end of the game, Harper was ejected. Some think it was cause Harper spiked his helmet into the ground, but I think it was just cause of a concerned umpire. Teenagers sometimes need to be held to bedtimes to ensure they get the rest they need. The ump just wanted to get Bryce off the field and into bed.

Kurt Suzuki had his first home run as a National tonight. It will go down as a historic day in Nationals history. Suzuki is one of the first catchers to hit their first home run for the team before getting their first crippling injury for the team. He has truly broken the mold.

The Marlins held Giancarlo Stanton bobblehead night tonight. 15,000 were made, so I assume after handing them out to everyone in attendance that 14,000 remained. Fans were encouraged to keep the bobbleheads under their seats during the game as opposed to in their laps, just in case the bobbleheads manhandled balls the same way the real man does.

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