Edwin-ter is Coming: Jackson’s Orgasmic Performance Freezes Cards Offense

“Okay, how who did it. Who took my last pop tart. Fess up before I get really angry.” (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Cardinals 1

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 R, 0 ER, 4 H, 2 BB 10 K. In the Game of Throws, you Ed-Win or you Ed-die.

(I told you I had a nearly-inexhaustible supply of Game of Thrones puns.)

Shame of the Game:

Jamie Garcia: 5.1 IP, 6 ER, 9 H, 2 K. (SPOILER) Jaime just hasn’t been the same since he got his pitching hand cut off.

——–

Yeeeeeeeah…that’s the stuff.

This game was essentially the polar opposite of the last game I wrote about. Everything that was soul-crushing about Tuesday’s game was soul-enhancing about this one. After watching just a few innings of this game, I already felt like my soul was improving by leaps and bounds and I had moved several steps closer to enlightenment. By the time the Nats had won, nirvana and the true end of all suffering seemed just around the corner.

Then the game ended, I realized I really needed to do laundry, and suffering resumed. Disappointing. If I was the type of person to write something like “#natsfanproblems,” this is where I’d do it. But I’m not so don’t you DARE ever say I did.

The game was great while it lasted, though. Bryce Harper did that thing where he homers and then runs around the bases like the ghost of a man he accidentally killed as a child is chasing him. Edwin Jackson was truly magnificent, sucking Cardinals hitters in to his traps like a black hole. African-American hole, sorry.

Michael Morse, Jayson Werth, Ian Desmond, and Jesus Flores were also good. Let me clarify something for you there because you might have missed it–Jesus Flores was good. Not in the macro sense, obviously–in that sense, Jesus Flores is OPSing .581, which is not good. But for one fleeting moment last night as he got his second hit in four at bats, Jesus Flores could look directly at first baseman Allen Craig and say “Right now, I am good. Right now, I am on top of the world, and you are but an ant before me. Be nice to me or I’ll squish you.”

I’m not sure if he actually said that, but I really hope so.

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