Monthly Archives: September 2012

For the Set of the Nats Magic Numbers, the Cardinality is One

Skip Schumaker accidentally wore a live electrical wire instead of a glove. (Dilip Vishwanat/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Cardinals 4

Dame of the Game:

KURT FUCKIN SUZUKI FUCK YEAH: 2-5, 2 RBI, 2 K. That is all.

Shame of the Game:

Drew Storen: 1 IP, 1 ER, 2 H, K, BS. This is not the kind of blowing I’ve come to expect out of the Nationals bullpen.

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Despite the fact that it ended up turning into an exciting extra inning game in which Kurt Suzuki permanently raised the bar that separates the men from the “men,” this game will go down in history as the game in which Michael Morse took an imaginary swing and then trotted around the bases. And somehow it counted.

Every time I see any kind of baseball diamond I walk up to the plate, take an imaginary swing, and circle the bases. Every time I hope that my dramatic grand slam will show up on the scoreboard and go down in the baseball record books and that the hypothetical major league baseball players that I drove in will be there to congratulate me when I touch home. But it never happens. I’ve always assumed that one time in the history of the universe, that will actually work for someone. I knew it would only happen once, though. The universe is stingy with that kind of thing. Continue reading

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A Jackson Led Massacre: DC Leader Causes Trails of Tears for Nats Fans

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Shane Robinson gets real excited when his teammates give him treats. (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Final Score: Cardinals 12, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Zach Duke: 1 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 0 R. Zach, you were the only one who didn’t hurt at all last night. A compliment in baseball, a demoralizing feeling in orgies.

Shame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Loss, 1.1 IP, 6 H, 4 BB, 8 ER. I don’t know what’s worse. Edwin doing so poorly, or the time I nearly drowned in the ocean. Probably Edwin’s performance.

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In April, I predicted the Diamondbacks would be World Series champions. A pretty reasonable prediction, I’m betting many analysts expected a 173-0 season from them. But on Friday, my prediction was proven wrong. For you see, with the Nationals loss, the Diamondbacks were officially eliminated from playoff contention. It’s normal for the Nationals to have September losses that have such a great negative impact on other people. But before this year the negative impact wasn’t felt by other teams, but rather by fans who had to turn to greasy food to fill the happiness void in our lives. But now, we control the fate of dozens of players and thousands of fans. Tonight, we decide if Milwaukee makes it or doesn’t. I’m sure thinking that Milwaukee doesn’t deserve to make the playoffs. Unless maybe they send a little gift our way. Yovani Gallardo will probably do…

…Or cheese. Cause cheese is delicious.

Continue reading

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Beastiality: Morse Forces Himself on Unwilling Phillies

 

Eury Perez hastily scrambles out of the grasp of a lustily thrusting Jeremy Horst. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Phillies 3

Dame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 2-4, 2 HR, 2 R, 4 RBI. Once was not enough. His appetite is insatiable.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Cloyd: 5 IP, 6 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 4 K. His poor pitching was almost too sweet for the Nats. I might even say that its excessive pleasantness for Nationals batters was cloyding.

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And then there were three.

Three miserable little numbers, cowering in fear at the end of the road as the Natmobile careens wildly towards them, leaving a trail of crushed and crumpled numbers lying in its wake. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, and 5 are already a distant memory, and 4 now shudders its final dying twitches.

The details of the grisly affair seem almost superfluous. Number 4 was just another nameless victim of the out-of-control Natmobile. The goal is too near to worry about the particulars of the collateral damage.

At the end of the road lies the NLDS. The Natmobile is an unstoppable force, and the objects in its path are decidedly movable.

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They’re Not Werthy: Phillies on Brink of Elimination As Nats Gas ‘Em

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Sorry Bryce and Jayson, but Carlos has to be between you two for you to perform an “Eiffel Tower” properly. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Phillies 4.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-5, 1 R, 1 3B, 1 HR, 3 RBI. Bryce got the two hardest parts of a cycle to get tonight. Hardest because they are the most difficult athletically, and also getting to third and home is a little more arousing than getting to the prior bases.

Shame of the Game:

Kyle Kendrick: Loss, 2 IP, 5 H, 2 BB, 4 ER, 1 K. Can drick. Can’t pitch.

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Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

The sound torments Jayson. A constant barrage of this guttural tone echoes in his ear every time he returns to his old home. Although it’s hard to imagine he ever called this place home. Home is somewhere you can find comfort. All he finds here anymore is…

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Continue reading

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Bo Porter to Manage Houston Astros

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Ryan laughs as Bo tells him a funny joke. He would later find out that Bo wanting to manage Houston is all too real.

Bo Porter is a masochist. At least he must be, after accepting the job to manage the Houston Astros next season. The story was broken just minutes ago by Jon Morosi that Porter would be leaving the Nationals to take the vacant managerial post in 2013. Porter will be at the helm for a big transition, as the team moves to the AL. I can’t foresee much success there though. While most AL teams have a designated hitter, the Astros will be the first team without one. Not because they will lack the position, but they lack anyone who can actually make contact.

Losing Bo is tough. He’s been with the team for 2 full seasons, and has done so much in that time. Raising his arms. Twirling his arms. All those things! He’ll be hard to replace.

Luckily, Bo will stay with the team throughout the playoffs. I guess it’s nice to give him the chance to experience something that he’ll never come close to in his new post. Let’s win this though, if not for the city then for the man who has made many arm motions in his time at third base. “Go for Bo!” will be the rallying cry of this team as they go further into the playoffs. I hope the Secret Service don’t misconstrue that as a plan to try and kidnap the Obama’s dog.

Wait a second…I think I might have found the solution to our impending vacancy:

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Our new third base coach.

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A New President Soon to Come?

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Who could it be? Whoever it is, we’re probably going to need some white felt.

With the Nationals announcing the final series of the season being dedicated to Teddy, rumors are swirling in certain places that a new President might be added to the famed mascot race at some point in the near future. Well we here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram have joked about this in the past, but with the very real seeming possibility that a new President will be picked to join the contest, we thought we’d recommend what you could do with each of the 40 currently unused Presidents.

Over the next few weeks, look for our recommendations to the Nationals as to what we can do with each of the remaining Presidents, in a new segment called “Presidential Nominees.” Hopefully we get enough people to support this cause and successfully elect a new man that can shake things up on the warning track.

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Come Out For the Teddy in 2012 Series

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Hopefully another assassination attempt doesn’t dampen the occasion.

The Nationals have dedicated their last series of the season to the President that everyone loves. No, not Kang or Kodos. I mean the President everyone loves by choice. Teddy! That’s right, as the Phillies come to town from October 1st to 3rd, the Nationals will host a “Teddy in 2012” series. It’s very fitting they’re playing Philadelphia considering most of the Phillies fans, male and female, are as big and hairy as bull moose. You can read all about the series and get tickets here.

The big question for the series is will Teddy win? After hundreds of failures in the Presidents Race, can Teddy finally cross the finish line first? It certainly is possible. But technically so is Mitt Romney winning the Presidential race. Just cause they’re possible, doesn’t mean they’re anywhere close to likely.

I always thought that Teddy winning should be on some grand occasion. I’m not sure if a series vs. the Phillies is the time to do that. Giving your biggest rival a chance to be present for history? Why give them that pleasure. And how do we know one of them won’t try and take a shot at Teddy to prevent him from some grand comeback. To prevent catastrophe, let’s stuff that giant head with folded up speeches.

I guess we’ll just have to see what the Nats decide to do. Maybe they’ll replace the other Presidents with Teddy’s greatest rivals, to make it real special. How about a race like we saw in the 1912 Presidential election? Taft in a rolling bathtub, Dusty Baker can suit up as Woodrow Wilson considering Dusty’s recent unfortunate experience, and a Eugene V. Debs character as well, assuming the person portraying him doesn’t go on strike.

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I Don’t Like it Ruf: Nats Forget Safe Word as Phillies Dominate

Come Thanksgiving, John Mayberry Jr. may begin to regret getting labeled in this picture. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Phillies 6, Nationals 3

Dame of the Game: 

Kurt Suzuki: 3-4, R, RBI. Never change, Kurt Suzuki.

Actually come to think of it, you could stand to be a little better at baseball generally. So feel free to do that.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 5 IP, 5 ER, 5 H, 3 BB, 3 K. Presumably taking his cue from Herman Cain’s famous 9-9-9 tax plan, Detwiler tried out a 5-5-5 plan in this start. If the results of that plan are any indication, it is perhaps a good thing that Herman Cain will not be the next president of the United States. That’s the first good reason I’ve heard for why Cain should not be the leader of the free world, though.

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Ugh. I’m getting kind of tired of the Phillies and their phanaticshit, I have to say. I mean what benefit did they get from winning this game? They are not going to make the playoffs. The Nationals are going to make the playoffs. They can’t even take any perverse satisfaction from being a spoiler like some kind of Ralph Nader. The respective fates of the Phillips and Nats regular seasons are, for all practical (if not mathematical) purposes, set in stone. Not even a stone that’s easy to erode like limestone, but like…real quality stone. Bedrock, even.

So why’d they do it, then? Why’d they bother? I guess the players might want to succeed individually so they can get better contracts in the offseason, but who cares about money? Whenever has that been an incentive for anyone to do anything? Okay, maybe a couple times. But still. Continue reading

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Brew Crew Cut Down: DC Overpowers Brewers Again, Prohibition Back in Effect?

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Adam LaRoche was very excited about Zim’s home run. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 12, Brewers 2.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman + Jordan Zimmermann: Win, 6.2 IP, 4 H, 2 BB, 1 ER, 7 K; 5-7, 3 R, 1 HR, 5 RBI, 1 BB. The Republicans should’ve made this their ticket for the upcoming election. They’re better than Romney/Ryan in that they’re likable, but still have similarities in that they’re both very white and make union members from Wisconsin miserable.

Shame of the Game:

Kameron Loe + Manny Parra: 2.1 IP, 5 H, 4 BB, 5 ER, 1 K. If the Brewers hope to stay in games, they’re gonna need a better Parra relief pitchers than these two. This must feel like a real Loe point for the team.

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The Sun. It might give life to the world. It might be the reason that any of us exist. It might one day envelop the earth in its fiery furnace, destroying everything humanity has ever created. But it is a total pushover.

Writing about Sunday’s game, this blog declared war on the Sun for the terrible things it did to our outfield. It appears though that just the threat of war has revealed the sun as a cowardly massive ball of flame. During today’s game, the Sun realized that it had allied with the wrong side and decided to change the game in our favor, as it blinded Carlos Gomez leading to some runs for the Nationals. The Sun is clearly afraid of our force. He knows we have the power to take him down. 180 home runs, right? That’s the amount of power it takes to extinguish the Sun? I thank The Sun for coming to its senses, and hope that we have an agreement for the future. You don’t blind our outfielders, and we won’t blind yours.

Continue reading

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Wrath of Apollo: Sol Is Not Nats’ Favorite Sun

Jayson Werth begs forgiveness of the sun. (AP Photo/Ann Heisenfelt)

Final Score: Brewers 6, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 2-2, R, 2 BB, SB. Desmond reached safely in every plate appearance. An overconfident Desmond then went to the zoo and reached very unsafely into the cage of a hungry lion. He was lucky to escape with most of his fingers.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1 IP, 3 ER, 4 H, BB, K. Mattheus did not cause all this damage himself, but he did create a situation in which the sun was allowed to cause the Nationals significant pain. His inning pitched was akin to inviting all the Nationals to a day at the beach and replacing all their suntan lotion with shaving cream.

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The Sun. It gives life to the world. It is the reason that any of us exist. It will one day envelop the earth in its fiery furnace, destroying everything humanity has ever created. It also sometimes makes it hard to catch fly balls.

Yesterday, for instance, it caused the Nats to drop two important flies, leading to enough runs to give the Brewers a victory. Bryce Harper and Jayson Werth were helpless as the sun scalded their eyes, hiding the small whiteness of the baseball in its all-consuming light. Continue reading

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