Burn Ett to the Ground: Nats Lead Goes up in Flames, is Cremated

The only explanation I can think of for why this happened is that Teddy Roosevelt’s last words were “if there’s ever a Korean pop song that gets 90 million views on youtube called Gangnam Style, please have a comically oversized version of me reenact its music video during a baseball game.”

Final Score: Cardinals 10, Nationals 9

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-5, HR, 3 RBI, 2 R. It’s supposed to be Adam and Eve, not Adam and Kyle Lohse. Though the latter pairing seems to be working just fine for him.

Shame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann. 3.2 IP, 8 ER, 8 H, BB, 3 K. In lieu of a clever phrase describing how shameful Zimmermann was, here’s a picture of him actually looking ashamed:

Jordan Zimmerman bows his head as he walks off the field to the awkward applause of about three fans who didn’t want him to feel too horrible about his start.


Jordan Zimmermann’s inability to convince his teammates to give him run support has been well documented by us and everyone else. Well, this is why Jordan Zimmermann can’t have nice things. Despite being given six runs by a combination of some good offense and Matt Holliday’s tragic but hilarious addiction to dropping things, Zimmermann promptly gave all of them back and more before the end of the fourth inning.

It was kinda like if you had a birthday party and everybody brought you really nice gifts, and then when they left you gave them all doggy bags filled with live grenades.

The only thing more flamboyant than the flamboyantly awful Nats pitching was this be-sequined man, who frantically waved his arms to every song played during the game regardless of whether it was actually possible to dance to.

The Nats would come back with more runs after Zimmermann’s too-late departure, retaking the lead on an exciting play in which Bryce Harper employed his famous “run until someone literally tackles me and breaks my legs” to score from first on a single.

Even more exciting than that, though, was the debut of everyone’s favorite Newest National, Your E. Per Ezzzzz:

Is it a bird sitting on the ground? Is it a plane sitting on the ground? Is it Eury Perez just standing there? Yes.

So much less exciting than either of those two things, though, was watching Sean Burnett do the nasty things that no one likes to our humble abode. Less exciting still was looking on in horror as Drew Storen forgot that when he let people get hits they had the opportunity to keep running if he completely ignored them.

Most of the people in this picture are sad. The rest are either from Missouri or are psychopaths with no ability to feel.

This was the first game I’ve been to at Nats Park all year that the Nats lost. What did I do wrong? Was it the Dippin’ Dots? It must have been the Dippin’ Dots. I never got Dippin’ Dots before. Fuckin’ Dippin’ Dots.

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One thought on “Burn Ett to the Ground: Nats Lead Goes up in Flames, is Cremated

  1. […] presidents again–an over-long dose of ear-poison that I had already experienced at the last bad Nats/Cards game I attended. Mercifully, I couldn’t actually see them do the deed because I was sitting in the […]

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