K-9: Strasburg Fetches Us a Win, Even with Neutering Soon to Come

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“So you’re telling me that even if I use this arm they won’t let me pitch past September 12th?” (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Cardinals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 6 IP, 2 H, 1 BB, 0 R, 9 K. Push it to the innings limit. Innings limit! Past the point of no return. You’ve reached the top, but now you’re gonna learn that this is a very bad idea. Paul Engemann wrote the song well before he knew that the Nats would be preventing more starts like this. I think he should amend those lyrics.

Shame of the Game:

Lance Lynn: Loss, 1 IP, 4 H, 2 ER. Cards fans must be experiencing Lynnsanity! Sadly, this spelling of the affliction suggests severe depression as opposed to excitement.

———-

The Nationals are safe for 20 more years. Safe from being as pitiful as the 1993-2011 Pittsburgh Pirates. For 19 years, the Pirates ended up below .500 season after season. From 2006-2011, the Nationals played a quality of ball very successful in imitating those 19 years in Pittsburgh. Thankfully they weren’t old enough to suck that much over and over on camera. There is an age limit for going into porn after all. But as they stood about 1/3 of the way to the record before tonight, they have to start all over again. With tonight’s win, we will not finish with a losing record this season, for the first time since the first year in Washington. In fact, we might end up with a winning record for the first time ever. Unless we lose 29 straight games. Which we can all rightfully blame on Strasburg’s innings limit. So quickly Rizzo, let’s not go ahead and do that.

Strasburg is trying to enjoy his time while it lasts. He’s like an inmate on death row. The date is set, and everything is coming to an end. But in the meantime he’s doing his best to make amends with his loved ones and do everything he can for them before he passes. What style of execution would I say this shutdown is most like? The electric chair? No, the electricity will be a lot less in the stadium without him on the mound in October. Firing squad? No, without Strasburg’s arm, nobody will be able to fire such bullets anymore. Lethal injection? Yes, that works. Since Rizzo will be injecting John Lannan back into our rotation, which will surely kill us all.

Kurt Suzuki might be making a case to become Washington’s new hero with Strasburg on his way out, assuming you like your heroes without any consistent power. That would make Superman a lot less effective, and a lot more like a crazy man in spandex. With a home run, 2 RBI, another hit, and a nice play at the plate defensively, Kurt Suzuki could be considered the Nationals star position player of the night. It’s the first time he’s been the most impressive one at the plate this season. Mostly cause he was on a team with Bartolo Colon for the bulk of the year, and that guy will eat more than you’ve ever seen off of his plate. Very impressive, really.

On a negative note, Sean Burnett fucked the house yet again. Burnett has increased his ERA by about half a run in the past few days. I suppose you might as well get it out of your system now before the playoffs start. Unless your remarkably good season up to this point was you getting that out of your system. Sadly, that’s likely.

At the end here I would like to take a moment to acknowledge what happened in Atlanta tonight. Down 4 in the 9th, the Braves came back to win 8-7 thanks to a Chipper Jones walkoff home run off Papelbon. What do we, as Nationals fans, think in a situation like this. The Braves are more of a threat now, but the Phillies are our rivals. Well I think it’s kind of like a Stalin-Hitler type thing from WWII. We need Stalin, the Braves, to help take out the scum of the world Hitler, or the Phillies. After that is taken care of, we’ll just go back and forth with Atlanta intimidating one another until finally Washington comes out on top. It all works out in the end.

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