Cubbed to Death: Nats Savagely Beat Chicago With Baseball Bats

The secret to Gio’s success: a diet of only towels.

Final Score: Nationals 9, Cubs 1

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-3, 2 HR, 2 R, 2 RBI, 2 BB. Lotta twos on that line, and only the good kind. Bryce Harper is 2 GOOD 2 BE 2RUE.

Shame of the Game:

Kurt Suzuki, Michael Morse, and Jayson Werth: 0 HR last two games. C’mon, guys. You were invited to a home run party and you didn’t bring any home runs. Rude!


It takes a big man to admit that he’s wrong. I’m a pretty normal-sized man though, so I won’t. But I do believe that it’s my obligation as a Responsible Journalist to point out that two days ago, I wrote that the Nats offense was bad, bad at the very essence of its being. In the two games since I made that statement, the Nats offense has hit exactly 12 home runs. That is not bad. That is actually fairly ridiculously good.

Who are these guys, the Yankees? God I hope not.

One reason I remain confident that we’re not the Yankees is that we have Gio Gonzalez and the Yankees most certainly do not (yet–I’ve heard reports that Hal Steinbrenner has recently hired a team of mercenaries to take over some African diamond mines so he can save up enough money to buy Gio). Gio Gonzalez is a great person to have as a pitcher because he often does not give up runs. For instance, this start, and also his previous start. This ability to not give up runs is an often underrated one, and it is a testament to Mike Rizzo’s skill that he has so successfully exploited this market inefficiency. At least I assume that’s what happened, since I don’t know how else he could have managed to put together this rotation.

Obligatory caveat to everything above: the Cubs, and all that that implies.

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