2012 Nationals Player Profile: Christian Garcia

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Christian Garcia autograph sessions are a popular event.

There are many Garcias in baseball, but only one who is a true Christian. Only one who has found the true path to success. Some Garcias like Freddy believe that the path to true enlightenment is through throwing an 80 mph fastball. Others like Karim believe that fighting groundskeepers is what we were put on this earth to do. But our Garcia knows the true path to success. The Christian way, which in his case involves meandering about in the minors for nearly a decade and reaching minimal fame.

We must all follow Garcia’s example, and live our lives the way he has lived his. To do this, I present to you this form of Christianity’s version of the 10 Commandments.

1. I am Christian, your Garcia. Who brought you out of the land of last place, that place of misery. You shall have no other Garcias besides me. Except Cherry Garcia, that is one delicious ice cream.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any Phillies image.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of Christian thy Garcia in vain. Unless he allows 5 runs in a third of an inning or something. Cause I’d be fucking pissed too.

4. Remember the days with Nationals games, and keep it holy.

5. Honour thy manager and general manager.

6. Thou shalt not kill, unless you are a Nationals batter. Then go ahead and whack away.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery by rooting for another baseball team but Washington.

8. Thou shalt not steal, unless you are a Nationals runner. Then go ahead and run away.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against your teammate. Unless they are brought before a court for steroid use. Then maybe lie a little, assuming the player is worth it.

10. Thou shalt not covet your neighbor’s house, except for Citizens Bank Park (now Nationals Park North). Those bastards deserve it.

Follow these guidelines and you can be a true Christian, just like Garcia.

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2 thoughts on “2012 Nationals Player Profile: Christian Garcia

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