Well That’s Good: As Nationals Clinch, Sphincters Unclench

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Both Hanley and Jayson realize that this was a bad time for Hanley to try and let out a stealthy fart. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Dodgers 1.

Dame of the Game:

Chris Capuano: For throwing the wild pitch that gave us the lead that gave us a playoff spot. Thank you, for that historic moment in franchise history. It’s up there with other moments of incompetence, like when the Nats won their first game ever thanks to the other team forgetting to wear pants and having to forfeit.

Shame of the Game:

Matt Kemp: Not for his performance tonight, but for his HR yesterday. You jerk, making us wait a whole extra day to experience this tremendous feeling of happiness. You’re like my wife. Only she makes me wait a bit longer to experience such happiness. It’s been almost as long as the Washington postseason drought…

———-

The Nationals are headed to the playoffs. While this man might be shocked to hear it, we are not kidding him. For the first time in this team’s history, they will get a taste of postseason baseball. Which kind of tastes gross and sweaty, after all the time Tommy LaSorda spent stewing away in it. They have still yet to clinch the division, as their magic number is 8. A truly magical number, considering how much it looks like boobs. But for now, let’s enjoy the fact that this team has made the postseason at all. Knowing that on October 5th, the Nationals will still be playing baseball is a great feeling. And knowing that it could all be over 5 days later is a miserable feeling. I know I shouldn’t be a pessimist, but after seeing things like John Kruk exist, it’s hard to think that the world can give us inspiring, beautiful things anymore.

The playoffs are still some weeks away though, and the regular season is still going. Or rather irregular season, considering the Nationals are playoff bound. They wrapped up their series with the Dodgers on Thursday, thanks in big part to Detwiler’s pitching performance. Detwiler is proving to be an excellent option if the Nationals need a fourth starter during the playoffs. He’s like Strasburg in many ways, differing mostly in that when I hear Detwiler’s name I don’t break down in tears wishing he would come back. But I have a great deal of confidence in Ross. I think we can start saying that Detwiler is money. It makes sense to call him that, considering how he left the Dodgers looking in dire straits.

Some drama in the late innings, as Drew Storen got to put the cap on a long laborious effort to reach this point. Sure Tyler Clippard pitched yesterday and struggled while doing so. But he had put everything into the season. And to have the team give away such an important moment to another man, well, that’s something I’m not sure Tyler can forgive. He’s been hurt by lovers before, such as when Drew got hurt and abandoned him to fend for himself. But for Drew to come back and take away this moment, that might be the end of this relationship once and for all. Tyler is a loving man, who has given all of himself at times, sometimes so much so that he forgets how to pitch well. But Drew is in it for the fame, and used love to get ahead. He’s rapidly becoming this team’s Kim Kardashian. He also has a nice butt.

The Nats dropped the Dodgers down a peg in their hunt for the wild card by taking 2 of 3 this series. Washington welcomes the Brewers to DC for a 4-game series starting on Friday, and hope to do the same to them. You would think that finally achieving everything they had hoped for that the Nats would try and help other teams reach similar greatness. But clearly they are not willing to welcome others to this clique. They have become another mean girl, finding flaws with those around them enough to keep them out of the playoffs. The Brewers are borderline alcoholics, L.A. is too weird and new-agey, Philly is too fat, Arizona is way too foreign looking and thus is probably an illegal immigrant, and Pittsburgh is on the verge of suicide. No way we let any of those people into our club.

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