Wrath of Apollo: Sol Is Not Nats’ Favorite Sun

Jayson Werth begs forgiveness of the sun. (AP Photo/Ann Heisenfelt)

Final Score: Brewers 6, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

Ian Desmond: 2-2, R, 2 BB, SB. Desmond reached safely in every plate appearance. An overconfident Desmond then went to the zoo and reached very unsafely into the cage of a hungry lion. He was lucky to escape with most of his fingers.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1 IP, 3 ER, 4 H, BB, K. Mattheus did not cause all this damage himself, but he did create a situation in which the sun was allowed to cause the Nationals significant pain. His inning pitched was akin to inviting all the Nationals to a day at the beach and replacing all their suntan lotion with shaving cream.


The Sun. It gives life to the world. It is the reason that any of us exist. It will one day envelop the earth in its fiery furnace, destroying everything humanity has ever created. It also sometimes makes it hard to catch fly balls.

Yesterday, for instance, it caused the Nats to drop two important flies, leading to enough runs to give the Brewers a victory. Bryce Harper and Jayson Werth were helpless as the sun scalded their eyes, hiding the small whiteness of the baseball in its all-consuming light.

The Nationals cannot allow such a willful act of aggression by the star around which we orbit to go unpunished. To do so would be to tell the universe, “Hey, just so you know, any time a celestial body wants to interfere with a game and cost us a win, just come on down and be my guest.”

No. This time the sun has gone too far. The Nationals have no choice. They must…DECLARE WAR ON THE SUN.

The Nationals have already won one war this year against the Philadelphia Phillies, who proved to be a lackluster opponent. No doubt the sun will be a stiffer challenge. But if this season has shown us anything, it’s that these boys are up to whatever challenge lies in their way. It’s that kind of never-say-die attitude that will ultimately give the Nats a victory when they make the final push to assault the surface of the sun itself.

Unless of course they actually die. Which I guess might be likely. Oh well, too late now!


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One thought on “Wrath of Apollo: Sol Is Not Nats’ Favorite Sun

  1. […] about Sunday’s game, this blog declared war on the Sun for the terrible things it did to our outfield. It appears […]

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