I Don’t Like it Ruf: Nats Forget Safe Word as Phillies Dominate

Come Thanksgiving, John Mayberry Jr. may begin to regret getting labeled in this picture. (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Phillies 6, Nationals 3

Dame of the Game: 

Kurt Suzuki: 3-4, R, RBI. Never change, Kurt Suzuki.

Actually come to think of it, you could stand to be a little better at baseball generally. So feel free to do that.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 5 IP, 5 ER, 5 H, 3 BB, 3 K. Presumably taking his cue from Herman Cain’s famous 9-9-9 tax plan, Detwiler tried out a 5-5-5 plan in this start. If the results of that plan are any indication, it is perhaps a good thing that Herman Cain will not be the next president of the United States. That’s the first good reason I’ve heard for why Cain should not be the leader of the free world, though.

——–

Ugh. I’m getting kind of tired of the Phillies and their phanaticshit, I have to say. I mean what benefit did they get from winning this game? They are not going to make the playoffs. The Nationals are going to make the playoffs. They can’t even take any perverse satisfaction from being a spoiler like some kind of Ralph Nader. The respective fates of the Phillips and Nats regular seasons are, for all practical (if not mathematical) purposes, set in stone. Not even a stone that’s easy to erode like limestone, but like…real quality stone. Bedrock, even.

So why’d they do it, then? Why’d they bother? I guess the players might want to succeed individually so they can get better contracts in the offseason, but who cares about money? Whenever has that been an incentive for anyone to do anything? Okay, maybe a couple times. But still.

No, I’m convinced that the Phillies won this game specifically to bother me personally. It’s the only explanation that makes any sense. I mean, I grant that I have not always…gone out of my way to be nice to them. But is that really reason enough to do things just to spite me? I warn you, Phillies, if you keep unnecessarily winning games against the Nats, I’ll start to be really mean.

That’s right. I’ll start giving mean nicknames to stupid Phillie jerks like Cole Hamels (More like “Dead Pig Meatels”), Carlos Ruiz (more like “CarLOSE SOME WEIGHT YOU DUMB FAT TRAIN Ruiz”), Dominic Brown (more like “Dominic Poopcolor”), and Darin Ruf (see joke in title). And that’s just a preview of how mean I’ll be. I could be even meaner if I were really trying.

So watch it, Phillies. You saw what happened to the Sun the other day.

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