A Jackson Led Massacre: DC Leader Causes Trails of Tears for Nats Fans


Shane Robinson gets real excited when his teammates give him treats. (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Final Score: Cardinals 12, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Zach Duke: 1 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 0 R. Zach, you were the only one who didn’t hurt at all last night. A compliment in baseball, a demoralizing feeling in orgies.

Shame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Loss, 1.1 IP, 6 H, 4 BB, 8 ER. I don’t know what’s worse. Edwin doing so poorly, or the time I nearly drowned in the ocean. Probably Edwin’s performance.


In April, I predicted the Diamondbacks would be World Series champions. A pretty reasonable prediction, I’m betting many analysts expected a 173-0 season from them. But on Friday, my prediction was proven wrong. For you see, with the Nationals loss, the Diamondbacks were officially eliminated from playoff contention. It’s normal for the Nationals to have September losses that have such a great negative impact on other people. But before this year the negative impact wasn’t felt by other teams, but rather by fans who had to turn to greasy food to fill the happiness void in our lives. But now, we control the fate of dozens of players and thousands of fans. Tonight, we decide if Milwaukee makes it or doesn’t. I’m sure thinking that Milwaukee doesn’t deserve to make the playoffs. Unless maybe they send a little gift our way. Yovani Gallardo will probably do…

…Or cheese. Cause cheese is delicious.

If we lose, the Brewers are out. But if we win, something greater can happen. A win by us, coupled with a win by the Mets over the Braves (meaning this situation is probably not going to happen), would mean a clinched division for the Nationals. To clinch the division tonight would be a big relief for this team. Davey could finally start resting our players. He’d certainly want to, since we all know that Davey values rest very highly. Without his mid-afternoon nap, he would have trouble staying awake past 8 PM. You know Milwaukee, keep your cheese for now. We’re going to win tonight, and clinch our division. You can live to fight another day.

A team that can’t live to fight another day is the Phillies. The Phillies were eliminated yesterday from postseason contention. Sadly, it was a Phillies loss that clinched it and not the Nationals doing. We missed out on eliminating them by about an hour. But while we were not the cause, let us bask in the glory of a sad Philadelphia. They’re below 500, an unfamiliar feeling for many Philadelphians in both baseball and when weighing themselves. With the team coming into Washington for the final series, hopefully the Nats can end their season on a bad note. Just play every mid-inning ditty in the key of Db, I’ve never liked that note.

There will be a lot of excitement tonight and in the next few days. I feel confident that Washington will end strong, and give us a lot to look forward to in October.

On second thought, I still want that cheese. Milwaukee, send it to me or else.

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