For the Set of the Nats Magic Numbers, the Cardinality is One

Skip Schumaker accidentally wore a live electrical wire instead of a glove. (Dilip Vishwanat/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Cardinals 4

Dame of the Game:

KURT FUCKIN SUZUKI FUCK YEAH: 2-5, 2 RBI, 2 K. That is all.

Shame of the Game:

Drew Storen: 1 IP, 1 ER, 2 H, K, BS. This is not the kind of blowing I’ve come to expect out of the Nationals bullpen.


Despite the fact that it ended up turning into an exciting extra inning game in which Kurt Suzuki permanently raised the bar that separates the men from the “men,” this game will go down in history as the game in which Michael Morse took an imaginary swing and then trotted around the bases. And somehow it counted.

Every time I see any kind of baseball diamond I walk up to the plate, take an imaginary swing, and circle the bases. Every time I hope that my dramatic grand slam will show up on the scoreboard and go down in the baseball record books and that the hypothetical major league baseball players that I drove in will be there to congratulate me when I touch home. But it never happens. I’ve always assumed that one time in the history of the universe, that will actually work for someone. I knew it would only happen once, though. The universe is stingy with that kind of thing.

What bitter irony that the person it happened to was already a major league baseball player! Michael Morse didn’t need to hit an imaginary home run that counted. He hits real home runs all the time! The lifelong dream of so many of us poor souls who could never hope to hit a major league home run has probably already become passé to him. “Oh look, another home run it by me. Just another day at the job.”

Well, damn you, Michael Morse. Damn you and your callous dream-crushing and emotional-thrill-of-a-lifetime-hogging.

But thank you for hitting the home run in the first place, that was very helpful for winning this game.

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