Monthly Archives: October 2012

Adam LaRoche Wins Gold Glove


His official Gold Glove portrait. Still not sure why they make players take these.

Just moments ago, Adam LaRoche took home his first career Gold Glove award. He’s the 2nd National ever to win the award, behind Ryan Zimmerman in 2009. Upon receiving the award in his hands, Adam exclaimed, “fits like a glove!” Followed by a few moments of awkward silence, he was booed off stage and told to never make stupid jokes like that again.

The award is Adam’s first major individual accolade since being named a Topps All-Star Rookie first baseman in 2004. Sure that meant something at the time, but we all know there’s no real market for Topps anymore.

What awards will be given to Nationals players as the offseason continues? Manager of the Year for Davey Johnson? Rookie of the Year for Bryce Harper? Staggering Disappointment of the Year for Drew Storen? We’ll have to wait and see!

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Dodgers Decline Todd Coffey’s Option


I can’t wait til we maybe see Coffey (barely) fit into one of our jerseys again.

As a devastating force hits the Northeast, another even more unstoppable force hits free agency. Todd Coffey is officially a free agent after the Dodgers declined his $2.5 million option earlier today. Some would call it an easy move, considering Coffey underwent Tommy John and will be out until after the All-Star Break. But these people are foolish.

Too many people rely on new fangled statistics to determine a player’s worth. Like WAR, and FIP, and games played. But I really value a player by how much heart he has. And Todd Coffey has the most heart in the majors. Sure he might just sit on our bench, tweeting pro-Romney things and then claiming it was a friend’s kid as we wait for him to actually pitch in a game. But his presence alone will propel this team towards victory. Or into a constant orbit around him. One of those two things.

I hope the Nationals make the right choice and bring back Todd Coffey. We miss you, Todd.

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San Francisco Giants Win the World Series


In the spirit of Halloween, they showed a scary movie on the big screen which really frightened Romo. (Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

The San Francisco Giants are the 2012 World Series Champions. For the second time in three years, the Giants sit atop baseball as the guys who got hot/lucky for a few days at the right time best team.

In all seriousness, the Giants were one of the more deserving teams in these playoffs. No, not for their regular season success, but for what they did to those putrid people from St. Louis in the NLCS. I wasn’t a huge fan of the Giants before the NLCS, but afterwards I became their biggest fan. Nationals fans should be very thankful for them putting the Cardinals in their place. It’s like Washington allying with Stalin to take care of the Nazis. Sure it wasn’t the way we would’ve liked to have things happen in an optimal situation, but when we realized Stalin’s power in the face of initial adversity, we realized he was a great option to get behind.

Pablo Sandoval was named World Series MVP. I’m sure a lot of people will make jokes such as “Most Valuable Panda,” or “Most Valuable Ponch,” but lets not make silly jokes like that. Instead lets sit back and look at the impressive performance that the beanbag chair that plays third base for the Giants put on. Wait, that’s a guy? Oh, he just looked so poofy and comfortable to sit on.

Now baseball is done, and transactions will begin in the coming days. We can only hope Mike Rizzo makes some smart decisions that help the team be successful when it counts. We all know he came through with some of those this past Fall.

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Zimmerman and Tracy Undergo Arthroscopic Surgery


Ryan’s was to take care of that bad underbite.

Two Nationals underwent arthroscopic surgery on Thursday. It can be certainly be scary when our franchise player undergoes any sort of surgery, but it seems that Chad Tracy will end up just fine.

Oh yeah, Ryan too.

Zimmerman underwent surgery on his shoulder which had plagued him for much of the season. However he excelled after getting cortisone shots throughout the year. I don’t know if the surgery was necessary, I think living on the edge of something severe was working well for Ryan. As long as he could just get a shot and make things better. Much like the many people having unprotected sex throughout the 60s.

Ryan is expected to recover in 6 weeks, which is good for him. With the pain of blowing the NLDS surely to stick around long after then, he will finally be able to lift his arm to his face without pain to wipe away the tears. Physical pain that is. The emotional scarring will last forever.

Chad is expected to make a full recovery from surgery on his knee by spring training. Again, why fix it? Having bad knees has worked well for pinch hitters in the past.

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Carroll and Maldonado Elect Free Agency


Brett wanted to spend more time with his passion, laughing at the small portions that poor people get.

Brett Carroll and Carlos Maldonado have elected free agency. Both men played an important role on this team in 2012, by staying out of the way as to not prevent our success.

Carroll had an exciting two at bats in 2012. Exciting for the other team, because he got out in both of them. But at the same time he managed to score 2 runs. Sure he might strike out and fail to impress every time he sets out for success, but he still manages to score often. Hmm, scoring a lot even though you’re a failure? Must be on some madam’s list somewhere.

As for Maldonado, I’m impressed he’s still alive. Playing catcher for the Nationals in 2012 was a risky thing to do. But he came out in the end and is still breathing. So congrats on being alive. At least physically, despite if you’re dead on the inside. We know that can happen to someone after playing in Syracuse for so long, just look at John Lannan and his sad, dead eyes.

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Happy (Is that possible anymore?) Birthday Bryce Harper


Still not legal.

There will be no more teenagers hanging around the Nationals clubhouse. Unless we make a trade with the Indians that brings Terry Francona to us in some capacity. Bryce Harper turned 20 years old today. He must be thrilled that the Nationals were eliminated a few days ago. I mean, who wants to spend their birthday working? Now he can go out and have some fun!

Lets hope that this teen idol grows up well, better than the many teen stars who aged poorly. It would be a shame to see him go the way of a Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears. Although Britney actually has some good things to offer him, like that shaved head look. It’d be a lot better on him than the weird mullet thing he had this year.

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Sean Burnett to Undergo Surgery


Probably to get that cancerous lump removed. Otherwise known as his throwing arm.

Well, here’s the first story of the offseason. And what better way to kick off a miserable wait for baseball again than with a story about Sean Burnett. Sean is set to have a bone spur removed, which people are saying might have impacted his performance in the Division Series. I don’t think it did. He was as bad as I expected.

The team has a mutual option for next season, so it’s an uncertainty as to if Burnett will be back in Washington next season. He’s spent four long years here, half the team’s existence. What will happen to Washington without him? Well, property values will probably skyrocket, with potential homeowners not having to worry anymore about Sean doing what he does best. If this is the last we’ve seen of Sean, then let me just say one final thing to him…

Sean. You will be missed. By the many Washington fans looking for players to hold accountable for this loss.

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No, this isn’t metaphorical. This is the actual gravesite where we’re going to make Storen dig his own grave.

It’s hard to be funny at a time like this. *Makes farting noises by putting hands over mouth* Did that work? No? I didn’t think it would…

The Nationals were eliminated from the playoffs in a heartbreaking way tonight. I can’t really comprehend what just happened. There’s no real point to me continuing to write this. As I said, it’s tough to be funny, and that’s what we hope to offer you in our posts. Currently, I just can’t offer up anything like that.


*Makes fart noises again*

Still nothing?

Didn’t think so…

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NLDS Game 4: Walk Off: The Jayson Werth Story


The black power salute doesn’t send the same message coming from Jayson. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Did the Nats win: Was Onannes a fish-goddess of Chaldean myth? (Yes)

Was it fun to watch: The ending was as gratifying as sex. Only this was the first time I’ve felt satisfied thanks to a man’s powerful wood.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: A lingering uncertainty as the best way to go about explaining the excitement-induced mess I made in my pants to the laundromat.

On a day where most of the country watched two of our leaders debate some of the most contentious issues that impact our nation, there is one issue that is certainly not for debate: Jayson Werth is the greatest baseball player of all-time. If you don’t agree with that you’re probably from the past, when Jayson Werth was nothing more than a loathsome hairy man who spent most of his time in Philadelphia. But as that role has been filled by Scott Hartnell, Jayson has found his new place as the single greatest baseball player to ever live.

Many Nationals have often vied for the title of greatest in the past. Some examples:

  • Livan Hernandez – Greatest Caloric Intake.
  • Nick Johnson – Greatest Mustache (Sarcastically).
  • Joey Eischen – Greatest pitcher of all-time.

Not all of them won, like poor Joey, who fell just a tad short. But even as Livan and Nick succeeded, their “greatest” titles didn’t mean much in the long run (aside from taking a few years off Livan’s life). Jayson, on the other hand, is the first National who can proudly claim that he is the greatest without anyone arguing the fact, because I don’t listen to other people’s opinions.

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NLDS Game 3: Badwin Jackson

I stopped off before the game at the Flags and Balloons Convention.

Did the Nats win: Nah.

Was it fun to watch: It was literally the least pleasant experience I’ve ever had watching a baseball game in person.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: A nagging doubt that baseball has ever actually been enjoyable for anyone.

It was a perfect day for baseball. To be sure, many days have been described as “the perfect day for baseball” over the years, and some have definitely been better than others, so I can understand your skepticism over that statement. But I would contend that this day, the first home playoff game of your Washington Nationals, was the one. The best weather that October has to offer, a crowd of Nationals fans abuzz with what I absolutely refuse to refer to as “October Natitude,” and this thing happening:

Ian Desmond’s postseason success has apparently made him much taller, much younger, and much more contemptuous of black people.

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