Ross the Dross: Nats Remain Short of Division Title with Addition of Bad Pitching

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I’m fine with Kurt Suzuki having a foot fetish, but I’d rather he keep it private. (AP Photo/Jeff Roberson)

Final Score: Cardinals 10, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Craig Stammen: .1 IP, 0 H, 0 BB, 0 R. Good job relieving Wang. Not many people on this team are willing to help out other guys by doing that, most of them are more interested in girls.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: Loss, 2.1 IP, 4 H, 5 BB, 7 R (3 ER), 3 K. A Missouri native, Ross was certainly excited about starting his home state. Sadly he was so excited that he was finished way too early.

———-

*Bell ringing*

Teacher: Alright class, now take your seats. I heard you’ve been having a little bit of trouble becoming division champs, so I was asked by Mike Rizzo to teach you some math. Now I know what some of you are saying. What does being good at division have to do with winning your division? Well, they involve the same word. And that’s how English works, right? I don’t know, I’m a math teacher. Let’s begin. We’ll start with attendance. Jayson?

Werth: Here.

Teacher: Hi Jayson, nice to meet you. Gio?

Gio: Here.

Teacher: Nice to meet you as well, Gio. Tom?

Gorzelanny: Here.

Turning head towards Tom.

Teacher: Hi Tom, it’s great t-AHHHHHH! WHAT IS THAT? Ok, um, let’s just skip introductions and move onto the division.

Bryce: Um, teacher. I don’t know what division is. I’m pretty young, so I haven’t reached the grade that teaches us that yet.

Teacher: You’re 19. You learn division a lot earlier than that.

Bryce: Oh, well I guess it’s more my Mormonism than my age. They don’t really believe in teaching logical, important things.

Teacher: That makes sense. Alright, let’s start simple. 4 divided by 2, what is it?

Kurt Suzuki puts two fingers down between his legs.

Teacher: Very good, Ku-

The teacher is interrupted by being hit in the head with a curveball.

Teacher: Ow. Ok, we’re going to get into more difficult numbers. What is 40 divided by 3?

Morse: I know, I know! It’s 13.3 repeating.

Teacher: Uh, I actually don’t know if that’s right. Let me consult my answer key.

The teacher consults the key.

Teacher: Oh, you’re actually right Michael. But do me a favor, just mouth “13.3 repeating” for me, then run around the classroom. Just to make sure everything actually counts.

Morse: Ok, teach!

Morse begins to run around the classroom for no real good reason.

Teacher: Ok. Now…Um, sorry but can someone check on him to make sure he’s still alive?

The teacher points to Davey Johnson, who is motionless.

Werth: He’s fine. It’s just way past his bedtime.

Teacher: But it’s 2 in the afternoon.

Werth: Yes it is.

Teacher: Are you sure he’s not dying?

Tyler: He’s dying. But we all are. Especially inside. YOU HEAR THAT DREW?

Drew: Tyler, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to have things go this way!

Tyler: Then why are you going around blowing everything!

Drew: It was just a game!

Tyler: Oh, that’s what this is to you?! Just a game?! This is my heart!

Teacher: Guys, guys! Please, stop! Can we get back to the math? What is 521,642 divided by 1?

Wang: My ERA?

Teacher: Close, but no. Anyone else? No? Nothing? Guys come on. You’re not going to become division champs without learning this stuff. Look, let’s break for now. You’ve got a few more days to work on your divisional know-how. If you can’t get better at it by Wednesday night, I might have to send you to an after-season program. It’s just a one day intensive, which if you fail, you’re kind of screwed. Let’s just hope you can get better by then.

Davey Johnson poops himself loudly.

Werth: Again, not dead. Entirely normal.

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