Looking at the NLDS

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Look at it! Look!

The Nationals have clinched home field throughout the postseason. They are the number 1 seed in the NL, with an amazing record of 98-64. They will face the wildcard team in the first round of the playoffs. Let’s take a look at the two options, Atlanta and St. Louis, and analyze the pros and cons of each potential matchup.

Atlanta Braves:

Pro: There’s something familiar about a powerful force in Washington taking it to a baseball culture that revolves around Native American things.

Con: There’s something racist about the aforementioned pro.

Pro: We get to see future Hall of Famer Chipper Jones in a lineup one last time. Well, the last time until he commits a crime after probably losing all his money earned from baseball.

Con: Ugh, do we have to get another gift for Chipper if he comes back to our stadium? It’s so hard to come up with ideas considering he didn’t even register.

Pro: Watching Dan Uggla play baseball is like watching a baby learn to walk. Only it’s more hilarious than cute, since the baby is a full grown man. It’s also very sad.

Con: A better season record suggests a tougher team. Although I’m not so sure about them being tough. I think that people who wear Braves uniforms are no tougher than weepy children. Since they are sometimes weepy children(To be fair, that child was surrounded by Phillies players and fans, which would make anyone cry out in agony)

St. Louis Cardinals:

Pro: They are fresh out of luck, as their rally squirrel has gone and left the team. Unless he’s actually hiding in plain sight. That would explain the thing on Jason Motte’s face.

Con: The reigning World Champions have a lot of experience with winning on the big stage. This is like a team of American Idol winners. They can win while being watched on FOX by millions, but every year aren’t even close to being the most deserving.

Pro: Being so fresh off a championship, I have a feeling that this team isn’t as hungry as they could be. Which is good for them if they come to Nationals Park, since Livan Hernandez ate so much stuff during his time here that DC residents still have trouble finding enough food.

Con: Yeah, at least David Freese is. He has been arrested multiple times.

Pro: The Cardinals have the worst record of any NL playoff team and just barely snuck in. This team is like a cat burglar, sneaking in and trying to steal the World Series from people who really earned a shot. We should have been on our toes for them to commit a crime like this ever since they did it in 2006.

Con: A lot more old white people showing up to games in the stands. Do we really need more? We’ve got Davey already. If I get in line at Ben’s Chili Bowl to get some prune juice I’ll have to wait over an hour!

——–

No matter who it ends up being, there is one thing about each matchup that will certainly be a disappointment. Not being able to make obvious vulgar jokes based on last names. Come on! If this were a year or two ago we’d have “Cox” and “Pooholes.” Now we have nothing. 😦 Well…aside from an amazing season. But I really wanted to joke about butts…

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