NLDS Game 4: Walk Off: The Jayson Werth Story

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The black power salute doesn’t send the same message coming from Jayson. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Did the Nats win: Was Onannes a fish-goddess of Chaldean myth? (Yes)

Was it fun to watch: The ending was as gratifying as sex. Only this was the first time I’ve felt satisfied thanks to a man’s powerful wood.

Visceral Emotion of the Game: A lingering uncertainty as the best way to go about explaining the excitement-induced mess I made in my pants to the laundromat.

On a day where most of the country watched two of our leaders debate some of the most contentious issues that impact our nation, there is one issue that is certainly not for debate: Jayson Werth is the greatest baseball player of all-time. If you don’t agree with that you’re probably from the past, when Jayson Werth was nothing more than a loathsome hairy man who spent most of his time in Philadelphia. But as that role has been filled by Scott Hartnell, Jayson has found his new place as the single greatest baseball player to ever live.

Many Nationals have often vied for the title of greatest in the past. Some examples:

  • Livan Hernandez – Greatest Caloric Intake.
  • Nick Johnson – Greatest Mustache (Sarcastically).
  • Joey Eischen – Greatest pitcher of all-time.

Not all of them won, like poor Joey, who fell just a tad short. But even as Livan and Nick succeeded, their “greatest” titles didn’t mean much in the long run (aside from taking a few years off Livan’s life). Jayson, on the other hand, is the first National who can proudly claim that he is the greatest without anyone arguing the fact, because I don’t listen to other people’s opinions.

Now, throughout the final weeks of the season, Stephen Strasburg’s shutdown was a big deal. Just recently, reports came out that GMs around the league are furious with Mike Rizzo for the decision to shut Strasburg down. Today, the reason for their anger became very clear. It’s because Strasburg’s shutdown gave Ross Detwiler a chance to pitch, and Ross Detwiler is a fucking badass who takes massive shits on opposing lineups. GMs were secretly fearful of unleashing the beast that is Detwiler because they knew their teams would have no chance. But this must have been our sinister plot all along. Sinister in that Detwiler is a lefty.

The National Det has risen to an unprecedentedly high level, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. I wouldn’t be surprised if the National Debt increases as well, after the government decides to invest billions in Detwiler jerseys and bobbleheads. Maybe to offset that increased spending we can cut other areas. But we certainly can’t cut the defense budget, because we need to hire coaches to keep working on Ian Desmond so he doesn’t make silly errors like he did on Thursday.

Detwiler pitched 6 innings, allowing a single unearned run. He did as well as anyone could have hoped Strasburg to do, so I certainly hope all this criticism about Stephen’s shutdown is ignored going further. Hey, it’s not like I ever worried so much about it that I set aside rations and a secret bunker to hide in when DC rioted after the Nationals were eliminated from the playoffs…

Not only was our starter great, but so was our bullpen. Now I know what you’re saying. “This team didn’t have a bullpen on the postseason roster! At least I didn’t they think they did after nobody showed up to pitch in relief the last two days!” Well we didn’t let any of those frauds pitch. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the team locked them all in the dungeon we keep Tom Gorzelanny in when we don’t want to frighten company.

It was not a normal reliever who came in to pitch the 7th, but rather a starter. A starter who was on his throw day, so we figured why not throw him in there. Thankfully, the throw puns end here as this man did not throw the game. Jordan Zimmermann pitched a single inning, striking out all three batters he faced on 12 pitches. It was K, after K, after K for this white man of German origins. He was dominant, and took care of those threatening our Nationalsism.

Tyler Clippard and Drew Storen came in to pitch the 8th and 9th respectively, allowing a baserunner each but striking out batters for 5 of their 6 outs. It’s nice to see these two working harmoniously with one another again. I know a breakup can be tough, but its good that they are trying to stay friends and not make things uncomfortable for those around them.

Now back to the offense. Which for 8 innings consisted entirely of Adam LaRoche. LaRoche hit his 2nd home run of the series to give the Nationals their lone run for much of the game. This is the most powerful, impactful Adam Bomb perhaps of all time. Just think of how many lives were impacted. How so many people experienced tremendous grief and agony upon it being dropped, while on the other end hundreds of thousands celebrated as it helped propel us towards victory. I just hope that the radiation from this blast doesn’t disfigure St. Louis fans. While I may detest the team, I wouldn’t wish disfigurations upon any group of people after seeing how Philadelphians struggle to deal with that affliction every day. But at least Philly deserves it.

But again, the real hero was Jayson Werth. This man hit the biggest home run in this team’s history, perhaps even this franchise’s history. At one point 126 million dollars seemed like a lot of money to spend on Jayson Werth. But while he had produced arguably good results up until this point, he produced something to validate the contract on Thursday. We’re all smiling now, despite having spent so much money on something that seemed so senseless and miserable for a long time. It’s like we all had braces.

All in all, today’s win was amazing to watch. Nothing could have made me smile more. Well, except this picture:

Because this picture is hilarious. (AP Photo/Nick Wass)

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