Monthly Archives: November 2012

Nats Acquire Denard Span

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Denard’s mother believes having discipline is important for baseball, and still believes in spankings to enforce it. Denard is not fond of spankings. Or as his mom calls them, “SPANkings.”

The Nationals pulled off a big trade just minutes ago, acquiring Denard Span from the Twins for pitching prospect Alex Meyer. The team has been trying to find a solid CF for a few years, and have made many attempts at Denard during that Span of time. The (front) Office has done good by bringing in Denard Dog.

Span has dealt with injuries for a few years, but when playing he’s a big on-base threat and a quality fielder. While this would be a good acquisition for any team, it means a lot for the Nationals. The move allows Werth and Harper to move to the corner outfield spots, making Morse or Moore a valuable trade chip, and the re-signing of LaRoche not such a sure thing. I’m sure Adam would be worried about what this means for his future with the Nats, if he hadn’t already been distracted by 3 separate topics in the last 5 minutes.

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Bob and F.P. Coming Back

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It was a tough negotiating process, but F.P. finally got MASN to throw in a bunch of napkins so he could replicate classic moments like this. And also dribble spit uncontrollably without worrying about getting his shirt wet.

Losing a star hitter? Sad, as I’m sure Texas will soon tell you. Seeing an ace go to a rival? Also troubling, which I’m sure the Angels would agree with when Greinke leaves. But losing an announce booth? That might be the worst pain of all, unless you’re a White Sox fan of course. Because there is no greater pain I’m aware of than hearing Hawk Harrelson make your ears bleed every time someone hits a home run.

But for the Nationals, losing their announce team from last year would be a big blow. Thankfully, Bob and F.P. are coming back, as MASN has agreed to deals with them both for the 2013 season.

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Nationals Sign Bobby Bramhall

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Bramhall, clearly in the process of doing a split to avoid a comebacker.

The Nationals have signed Bobby Bramhall to a minor league deal. I don’t know much about Bramhall, and I’m not especially certain how is last name is pronounced. But I think we can all agree that we’re hoping it allows for a clever “Bramhall’s Camels” fan group, finally giving hunchbacks a baseball player that they can dress up to support.

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Nationals Sign Fernando Abad

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Fernando wears his favorite shirt featuring the letters A&F. Which of course stands for Abad & Fernando.

The Nationals signed Fernando Abad to a minor league contract. Considering he put up a 1-11 record with a 5.10 ERA over the last three years playing for the Astros, this is Abad signing.

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Wizards Lose Wizard Battle

This was some crazy wizbiz.

Final Score: Pacers 96, Wizards 89

Dame of the Game: The guy that brushes down the court every time someone falls over.

Shame of the Game: The kids they let play on the court at halftime seemed pretty bad.

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I went to a Washington Wizards game last night. I’m still not entirely sure why.

They certainly didn’t win. In fact, they were losing the whole time. At one point, they were almost not losing! But then they were losing again.

Very few other people made the same decision as me. I guess they knew better from past experience or something.

The crowd was either very resistant to following instructions or didn’t have tongues or hands.

Here’s my analysis of what happened: the Wizards definitely played basketball against the other team. But for all the times they got points, the Pacers got points even more times and, well, that was that. What a basket. What a ball.

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I hope you enjoyed this NBA-related post from a real basketball expert (me) and that you will continue to tune into The Zimmerman(n) Telegram for all your live up-to-the-minute all-you-need-to-know-about-hoops basketball coverage needs. 

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Cole Kimball Wins the AFL’s Stenson Award

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Though many teammates are still unwilling to validate his insistance on being ready for the National Anthem at all times.

Gio may not have won the Cy Young, but a Nationals pitcher is taking home an even bigger award. That’s right, Cole Kimball has won the Stenson Award in the Arizona Fall League. Why is this award so important you ask? Well instead of recognizing Wins, ERA and Ks, it recognizes “unselfishness, hard work and leadership,” according to MLB.com. You know, some of those weird sabremetrics people aren’t quite ready to adopt yet but are much better at determining a pitcher’s value.

Kimball is working his way back from surgery in 2011, but could be a valuable member of the Nats bullpen down the line. We need another right hander now in our pen, considering Drew Storen will spend most of his game days in the stocks, with people throwing eggs at him.

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Nats Sign Caleb Clay

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Collin Balester has been completely replaced.

Continuing their thrilling offseason, one that rivals the Blue Jays’ in terms of excitement, the Nats have signed Caleb Clay to a minor league deal. Clay is one of the only players in MLB history to be a compensatory pick for a team losing Bill Mueller. What an honor, perhaps even a Hall of Fame worthy accolade.

Clay has been in the Red Sox’s system since 2007, posting decent but uninspiring career numbers. Hopefully our organization can mold him into more of a star.

Get it? Cause he’s clay. Clay molds? No? Ok.

Since he’s still young and depending on how he develops, this signing could be a bargain. I hope all this money going Clay’s way though doesn’t make him feel overprivileged and lead to a life of laziness. Money can corrupt people, I just hope it doesn’t corrupt this potential bargain.

Get it? Cause he’s clay. Henry Clay? Corrupt Bargain? No? Ok.

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Nats Hire Tony Tarasco as 1B Coach, Promote Trent Jewett to 3B

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I hope he doesn’t get mad everytime the first baseman snags the ball before he’s able to.

Per Bill Ladson, the Nationals have hired former major leaguer Tony Tarasco to coach first base next season. How could the Nationals be so foolish. In our war against the Phillies, why are we bringing in the relative of one of them?

That’s right. Tony Tarasco is the cousin of…Jimmy Rollins.

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On the Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s Word Cloud

The word cloud at the bottom of our blog is a window into the inner workings of our minds. A season’s worth of posting has provided a substantial sample size, so that the cloud is now reasonably representative of what we think about most of the time when we’re writing about the Nationals. In the midst of a slow November for Nationals-related news, now seems like as good a time as any to investigate just what goes on in our strange, wonderful (if I do say so myself) heads.

Here are the top ten tags that we used this season:

1. Bryce Harper
2. Death
3. Davey Johnson
4. Stephen Strasburg
5. Ian Desmond
6. Tom Gorzelanny
7. Gio Gonzalez
8. Adam LaRoche
9. Tyler Clippard
10. Ryan Zimmerman

Okay, nothing too surprising, just a bunch of baseball players and Death. We do love death. Can’t get enough of it. Death is some funny shit. Continue reading

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Nationals Sign Will Rhymes

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His forearm is truly fascinating.

This signing of Rhymes is an absolute thrill.

I know that he has a great deal of skill.

With his bat he can give a ball quite a kill.

His baseball abilities give me a chill.

 

He can play in just one game, or a twin bill.

Facing him gives some pitchers a battle uphill.

His many female fans give off screams that are shrill.

My dreams of a title, he will help to fulfill.

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