Nats Acquire Denard Span

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Denard’s mother believes having discipline is important for baseball, and still believes in spankings to enforce it. Denard is not fond of spankings. Or as his mom calls them, “SPANkings.”

The Nationals pulled off a big trade just minutes ago, acquiring Denard Span from the Twins for pitching prospect Alex Meyer. The team has been trying to find a solid CF for a few years, and have made many attempts at Denard during that Span of time. The (front) Office has done good by bringing in Denard Dog.

Span has dealt with injuries for a few years, but when playing he’s a big on-base threat and a quality fielder. While this would be a good acquisition for any team, it means a lot for the Nationals. The move allows Werth and Harper to move to the corner outfield spots, making Morse or Moore a valuable trade chip, and the re-signing of LaRoche not such a sure thing. I’m sure Adam would be worried about what this means for his future with the Nats, if he hadn’t already been distracted by 3 separate topics in the last 5 minutes.

Span’s got a friendly contract that keeps him under team control through 2014, with a club option for 2015. The extra money they save on him, if they choose to not sign LaRoche as well, will allow the team to focus on more important matters. Like finding a 5th starter, or funding Gorzelanny’s much necessary plastic surgery. Or maybe helping Teddy support his habits for cocaine and hookers. Yeah, I know, surprising. But that’s what fame and success does to you. His newfound confidence, as well as being shot in the chest in the early 20th century, just make him feel like he’s immortal.

Giving up Meyer is not a small loss. A top pitching prospect in the organization as well as the team’s most recent representative in the Futures Game, Meyer will be missed. But Meyer was still a year or two away from being ready. Say, Meyer is the same age as me. That must mean I’m a year or two away from being major league ready. Right? Right? Please tell me I’m right so I don’t keep getting depressed seeing 16 year olds drafted for my dream job.

One of the lesser worries for the team, but a huge worry for the fanbase, is what this means for The Shark. Span’s acquisition means even less playing time for Shark, and might mean the end of Shark wearing #2. Span has worn #2 his entire career, and might request it with his new team. What number will Shark wear if this is the case? Maybe he can change it annually, to reflect the number of shark-related deaths each year. Or maybe change it to 77 since those kind of look like sharp teeth if you squint. No, squint harder. Harder. Come on. Come on! Yeah it doesn’t work too well.

Just a word of warning for whichever team has Span. He’s been known to line balls off family members in the stands. So Nats players, don’t bring a family member to a game without telling them to watch out, unless they’re your sister’s new douchey husband.

I have high hopes for this trade, as the last trade we made with the Twins worked out well when we traded Matt Capps for Wilson Ramos. I’m still not quite sure how that happened. Maybe Bill Smith thought the Twins were getting two people, and was disappointed to learn it was just one kind of big dude when Capps actually arrived.

Welcome, Denard. I hope your Nats career Spans a long time.

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