Monthly Archives: December 2012

Nats Sign Two to Minor League Deals

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And one of them likes to play golf. I hope he doesn’t blow late season games just to get out on the course.

While the following moves happened a few days ago, they are still worth noting. Especially since nothing else is happening for the Nationals aside from Adam LaRoche saying he wants 3 years, Mike Rizzo saying he won’t budge from two years, and that process repeating again and again. It’s like some terrible sitcom that has an overdone, recycled plot for many of its episodes and ends up going nowhere. Well hopefully the LaRoche saga, as well as How I Met Your Mother, will both be over soon.

The Nationals have signed Mike Costanzo and Matt Torra to minor league deals. Costanzo immediately brings to mind George Costanza. They clearly have the same unfortunate luck, as Costanzo spent some time with the Phillies in his career. He had a cup of coffee in the majors, only it was bitter and instead of cream contained many tears. Costanzo had 21 plate appearances for the Reds and did not produce much. But hopefully, with some semi-decent career minor league numbers, Costanzo can do something for this organization that isn’t just sparking ideas for new Seinfeld jokes.

Matt Torra was part of the impressive draft class of Justin Upton, Alex Gordon, Ryan Braun, Ricky Romero, Troy Tulowitzki, Andrew McCutchen, Jay Bruce, and our own Ryan Zimmerman. Sadly, he was none of those people. Having been drafted 31st overall in 2005, Torra’s career has been less than stellar to this point. But while his stats may not be that good, we’re stuck with him now. No, releasing is not an option for Torra. Why you ask? Well if we dropped the Torra, we’d have to fast for 40 days. And Ben’s Chili Bowl is far too delicious to do that.

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Happy Holidays from The Zimmerman(n) Telegram

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The only man I want to find coming down my chimney is Luis Ayala.

We here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Happy Holidays in general. We’re sorry we forgot to wish our Jewish readers a Happy Hanukkah a few weeks back, but I have a good reason. I charged up my computer, expecting it to last for eight days and eight nights, and wrote an extravagant and lengthy Hanukkah post. Sadly, my computer shut down after 6 hours, leading me to believe that the miracle of Hanukkah is all a lie.

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Nationals Sign Tyler Herron

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He is thrilled to join our organization.

The Nats have brought in Tyler Herron on a minor league contract. Once a first round pick, Herron has put up decent numbers over the course of 7 seasons in the minors and independents. His last name is also one letter away from being the word for a large wading bird. I am unsure of which is the more notable thing about him.

He spent last year with the Fargo-Moorhead Redhawks of the American Association of Independent Baseball. Obviously he couldn’t cut it in such a high-quality league, which is understandable. I mean Barry Bonds, Derek Jeter, Mike Piazza, none of these men found success in the American Association. Tyler simply couldn’t handle it, and now has to settle for playing for Major League organizations once again. Poor Tyler.

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Traitor

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I’m confused too, John.

How could you do this to us? How could you treat us in Natstown like this? Don’t you know the pain this causes us? And around Christmas, the timing could not be worse.

John Lannan has signed with the Philadelphia Phillies. He has joined our most hated rival, all for $2.5 to $5 million. Was it worth it? Was it worth becoming the most hated man in Washington aside from every member in American politics?

The most powerful feeling for me right now is confusion. What did we ever do to you to make you sign with Philly? Sending you down to Syracuse wasn’t meant to upset you. It was giving you a chance to see how beautiful upstate NY could be. And finding 5 better starters than you wasn’t meant to put you out of a job. It was just to give you some more rest. Everyone loves vacation days at work!

Well LeBron, enjoy your time in Philadelphia. I’m sure all the Lannan jerseys in DC have been burnt, and all the posters taken down and also burnt. All 17 of them!

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Today is Apparently National Kiss a Baseball Player Day

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He’s on top of things.

According to many people on twitter, today is National Kiss a Baseball Player Day. Or rather, #NationalKissABaseballPlayerDay. People don’t have time to breathe between words anymore.

MLB.com even acknowledged it as something to seemingly exist. I don’t really know where it came from, but if Christmas is a National holiday then this should totally be one as well. I mean if we get days off of work to honor Jesus’ birth, why can’t we get a day off to honor a romantic act that could lead to the birth of another Jesus? Assuming Flores wants to name his son Jesus Jr.

Now I found out about this day so late that I missed nearly 22 of the 24 hours available to kiss a baseball player. I have 2 hours and 30 minutes left to kiss a baseball player and I don’t know where I can possibly find one. I can go get my brother who plays high school baseball, but that would be weird in a way that kissing a strange major leaguer you come across on the street is not.

If you live in the suburban area around New York let me know if you are a baseball player looking to be kissed. Even though I am not gay, I will probably do it just to say I kissed a baseball player. One time I used a bathroom at the same time as Goose Gossage, but that definitely wasn’t as intimate as it could have been. So let’s make something out of this day Mariano Rivera/Bernie Williams/other people around here.

This message is not directed towards Tom Gorzelanny.

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Nationals Sign Brian Bocock

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Brian struggles with trying to figure out what to do with that large wooden thing in his hand.

The Nationals signed Brian Bocock to a minor league contract. For as much as this blog talks about penises, its nice to have a player with a last name like this. With Tom Gorzelanny leaving earlier this offseason, we talked about how we lost a whole lot of joke opportunities. But now the hole that Tom left, can thankfully be filled by Bocock.

Bocock has amassed a rather low -0.9 WAR in just 98 big league plate appearances. Such productivity will fit right in here in the city of Washington. I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw a Congressman Bocock after his playing career is over.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Zach Duke

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The Duke and his jester pass judgment.

In honor of Zach Duke Week here at the Zimmerman(n) Telegram, we present to you the final 2012 Nationals Player Profile of 2012: the Dukester himself.

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Brrr-brrrr-brrrr-BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (a trumpet heralds the arrival of Zack Duke, Duke of Zachs) 

Court Master: Welcome, one and all, to the court of the Duke of Zachs. The Duke will hear all of your petitions today. Know that the righteous will be treated with fairness and generosity, but the deceivers will receive their due punishment.

The first petitioner may step forward.

Continue reading

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Zach Duke Retweets Us

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An accurate depiction of my emotions when I found out.

We have made efforts in the past to reach out to Nationals players, trying to make them and their followers aware of our efforts here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram. One time recently I tweeted at Michael Morse in Morse Code, asking how he felt. He replied with “Sick!” He was either failing to understand what I had asked, or he was desperately calling for help.

Just a few days ago, I tweeted our story about Bob and F.P. returning to F.P. Santangelo, which led to him following us on Twitter. I can assume he liked it, but maybe he just follows anyone who tweets at him. Although being followed by big names isn’t new for us. We’re followed by @IanDesmondNews which totally isn’t a bot or anything.

But just yesterday, a story of ours was retweeted by Zach Duke, right in the midst of Zach Duke Week. Here’s the proof!

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Nats Lose 4 in Rule 5

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That’s the number.

The Rule 5 Draft took place today. It’s a draft that often means very little, but sometimes we see a team come across an unknown gem of a player. It produces a lot more gems than the Rule 34 Draft however. Some of that stuff is just too weird to be comfortable with.

This year the Nationals didn’t pick any players, but lost 4 of their own to other teams. Danny Rosenbaum went to the Rockies, Jeff Kobernus to the Tigers, Jack McGeary to Boston, and Hector Nelo to the Dodgers.

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