In honor of Zach Duke Week here at the Zimmerman(n) Telegram, we present to you the final 2012 Nationals Player Profile of 2012: the Dukester himself.
Brrr-brrrr-brrrr-BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (a trumpet heralds the arrival of Zack Duke, Duke of Zachs)
Court Master: Welcome, one and all, to the court of the Duke of Zachs. The Duke will hear all of your petitions today. Know that the righteous will be treated with fairness and generosity, but the deceivers will receive their due punishment.
The first petitioner may step forward.
First petitioner, a distraught farmer, steps forward.
Farmer: Your ducalness, yesterday my neighbor hopped over my fence and stole no less than four of my ripest potatoes. What should I do?
Zach Duke: Kill him.
Farmer: Kill him?
Zach Duke: Yeah.
Farmer: Oh…okay…I don’t really think he deserves death, oh great Duke.
Zach Duke: Whatever.
The confused-looking farmer is herded out by a court orderly. The herald invites the second petitioner to speak. The second petitioner is the head of a prominent merchants guild.
Merchant: Oh wonderous and powerful Duke of Zachs, I implore you to ease the harsh taxes on imports that are stifling trade and causing our people to suffer. I place myself at your–
Zach Duke: You’re a douchebag.
Merchant: My humblest apologies if I have offended you–
Zach Duke: Guards! Take this douchebag to the Pain Room.
The merchant is seized, and dragged out of the room
Merchant: No! Not the Pain Room! I’m sorry! I’ll do anything! I’ll do anythiiiiii-
The merchants cries of protestation are cut off by a slamming dungeon door. The attendees at court share awkward glances.
Court Master: The third petitioner may step forward.
The third petitioner approaches. He is the general manager of the Washington Nationals.
Mike Rizzo: Oh wise and illustrious Duke, I am here to inform you that the Nationals intend to non-tender you. We will not be needing your services next year.
Zach Duke: No.
Mike Rizzo: Don’t take it personally, Zach. We’ve already non-tendered Lannan and Gorzelanny.
Zach Duke: Do you want to go to the Pain Room?
Mike Rizzo (blood draining from his face): No, but…
Zach Duke: Then offer me a contract, douchebag. A major league one, if you want to keep your nipples.
Mike Rizzo (stammering): Yes, of course, right away, your majesty.
Mike Rizzo reluctantly writes a large check then trudges out of the courtroom, muttering something about “can’t afford Greinke now.”
Court Master: I am sorry, but that is all the time the Duke has today. He will be holding court at the same time next week.
An unfortunate-looking man pushes past the Court Master to the center of the room
Tom Gorzelanny: Hey Zach, have you seen my chapstick? I’ve been looking everywhere…
Zach Duke: WHO LET A MONSTER INTO MY COURTROOM? KILL IT! BURN IT! BURN IT WITH FIRE! GUAAAARDS!