Monthly Archives: January 2013

Nick Johnson Retires

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This photo was taken as Nick looked into a mirror for the first time.

Nick Johnson will not be playing baseball next year. Which is something that was likely even if he didn’t decide to retire considering his injury history. The Expos/Nationals great has decided to hang up his cleats. Lets hope he has someone to do it for him, because those sharp spikes will probably cause trouble again, considering his injury history.

Nick Johnson retires with a higher career on-base percentage than notable players like Joe DiMaggio, Honus Wagner, and Mario Mendoza. Although one of those isn’t very surprising, Honus Wagner wasn’t all that great.

We will miss you Nick. As will all the team doctors who you created jobs for throughout your career.

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Nationals Sign Jerad Head

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Why show the rest of him?

We got Head! Sadly, it wasn’t of major league caliber and it cost us a couple thousand dollars. Next time I’ll find a better hooker.

The Nationals signed Jerad Head to a minor league contract. Head’s greatest claim to fame so far could be his assault of a bouncer in Akron. I’ve missed Elijah Dukes quite a bit, so I think this signing is a great one.

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William Howard Taft: The Next President

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Sexual fetishes were different in the early 1900s.

A while ago we wrote a post regarding rumors about a new president to be added to the Presidents Race. Well, we never followed up on it, but the Washington Nationals did. Earlier in the week, the Nationals twitter confirmed that a new president would be announced at Nats Fest. Well tonight, as Dan Steinberg first reported, that new president is William Howard Taft.

What does this mean for the Presidents Race, aside for completely restructuring the warning track with support beams to counteract the tremendous downward force of Taft’s extra weight? Well frankly, I don’t know. I don’t know what to expect out of Taft, aside from frequent clogging of the toilet in the presidents’ break room.

One new thing to expect is perhaps the inclusion of a vehicle, not to give Taft an advantage but rather a fighting chance. Perhaps a motorized custom-made bathtub to help him down the track? Honestly if he doesn’t get some form of transport to assist him we’ll need extra paramedics on the sidelines.

I wonder how Teddy feels about this. He was beaten by Taft once, and if it happens again it’ll be pretty soul crushing for Roosevelt. Also Taft historically busted more trusts than Teddy, despite Teddy’s more famous nickname of the “Trust-Buster.” What does this say about the Nationals confidence in Teddy to bust any trusts that get in his way? Certainly nothing supportive. Poor Teddy. Just when he started winning, he loses again.

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Bill Bray is Pretty Awesome, and Other Thoughts About the Marvin Miller Memorial

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What a sight. I mean, how often do you get to take a photo of people taking a photo of all these major leaguers?

I had the luck of attending the Marvin Miller Memorial in New York City on Monday night. It was a great experience, getting a chance to watch some of the most talented players of the 60s through 80s pay homage to their great labor leader. I got a chance to share my feelings about the late great Mr. Miller as well, but the person on the other end of the bathroom mirror kept talking and wasn’t really paying attention to me. Also the hand dryer kept interrupting. Very rude.

After the players spoke a reception took place, during which I was able to introduce myself to a number of players and personnel who attended the event. My thoughts about my encounters after the break.

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Clippard Signs, Zimmermann Heads to Arbitration

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Jordan’s bare chested jersey design is met with applause by the ladies.

The final two arbitration cases for the Nationals have come into clearer focus. Tyler Clippard became the 6th national to sign a contract to avoid arbitration, agreeing to a $4 million deal. How this will affect Tyler and Drew’s relationship has yet to be seen. I hope Drew doesn’t feel emasculated, with Tyler becoming the main wage earner in their household. But as I said yesterday, it’s hard to imagine Drew being successfully emasculated with the plethora of balls he seems to keep producing.

As for the 7th arbitration case, it seems that Jordan Zimmermann and the team are headed towards an arbitration hearing. Zimmermann has filed for $5.8 million, while the team has offered $4.6 million. I’m siding with Jordan here, and not just cause if he ever ended up elsewhere our blog name would be ruined. Jordan is well worth double what he’s asking, but the team seems to be unwilling to meet his demands. There is a historic precedent for this, as Jordan only has 2 “n”s at the end of his name, while he originally wanted 17. The team didn’t have the fabric for that.

I hope the team and Jordan come to an agreement soon, because I’m sure that thezimmermantelegram.wordpress.com has been snatched up by a fan waiting to sell it to us for billions, since that is what its worth.

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Ian Desmond Signs 1 Year Deal to Avoid Arbitration

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The contract signing.

Ian Desmond and the Nationals have agreed to a 1 year, $3.8 million deal to avoid arbitration. In other news, with this constant stream of arbitration posts my jokes are running out. So let’s just say something thoughtful about Desmond’s baseball skill, something you’d find on a real legitimate sports blog.

He…touch a baseball and it went out. He field a ball once.

Hmm…not very good at insight. I’ll try to stick to jokes in the future.

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Bernadina and Nats Avoid Arbitration

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Unrelated, Bernadina laughs at a man’s small penis.

According to his agent, Roger Bernadina has reportedly avoided arbitration. There is very little known at this time but Mike Rizzo was seen with all his limbs still in tact, so we can assume the process went relatively smoothly.

Update: Shark will make $1,212,500 plus $130,000 in incentives. People better watch out, because Shark contracts are clearly on the rise.

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Stammen Avoids Arbitration with Two Year Deal

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He mostly stayed to get more free ice cream from these filmed Nationals segments.

Craig Stammen has avoided arbitration by agreeing to a 2-year contract with the Nationals. While terms are presently undisclosed, I feel that given the Nationals tendency to give $28 million to relievers who don’t deserve it, Craig will certainly earn more by actually being a talented reliever.

If anyone had the Stammena to go through an exhausting arbitration process and come out with what he deserved it was Craig. But Craig got things done early and will be staying in Washington for at least 2 more years. Up to this point it had been a bad winter for baseball Craigs. But since Stammen’s accomplishments were rewarded while Biggio’s were not, it is clear that we have the better one.

Update: The deal is for $2.25 million. I guess blown saves are worth 26 million dollars then.

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Detwiler Agrees to One Year Deal

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Detwiler and Rizzo (in a wig with a lot of plastic surgery) agree to the deal.

Ross Detwiler and the Nationals have agreed to a contract worth $2.3375 million plus incentives for the 2013 season, avoiding arbitration. Now I know there’s a lot of criticism out there for people who spend lots of money on high end breeds. So spending over 2 million dollars on a dog like Ross will be met with a lot of backlash. Sure I feel bad that there are so many poor dogs just sitting out there, begging to be taken home for nothing. Like that poor Randy Wolf-mix, or the LaBradPennydor Retriever.

But the Nationals deserve a high quality dog for their high quality team. They need one to compete on the highest level. One who can strike out a Bichon Freese or a Jack Russell Martin Terrier with ease. Because of this, I welcome the Nationals bringing back Ross. He will surely be an important part of our team, and additionally can probably help Davey Johnson do stuff around the clubhouse if Davey’s eyesight starts going.

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Storen and Nats Avoid Arbitration

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Drew attempts to celebrate with a high five, but something goes terribly wrong.

Drew Storen has avoided arbitration just like he avoids the strike zone, by agreeing to a 1 year, $2.5 million contract with bonuses that can reach $1 million more. So clearly the Nationals will be handing out contracts with a dollar value about equal to the number of people the player let down in October.

Ah, I’m sorry. It’s unfair to still be mad at Drew. He’s a great talent and a great man. No, not character wise. I mean he’s as man as man can be. Just look at all his balls.

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