Well, This Sucks (Nationals Sign Rafael Soriano)


Attempts to drown Soriano in the past have failed, sadly.

I hate Rafael Soriano.

I absolutely despise him.

This isn’t the joke kind of hatred I had for Sean Burnett at times, or the dislike coupled with sadness that God would do that to a person that I had for Tom Gorzelanny. This is legitimate hatred, the first time I’d say I felt this way about a Nationals player.

Soriano is selfish, overrated, and while I can’t be sure of it someone has been calling my house and hanging up when I pick up and it’s probably him so fuck him for that too.

Am I angry at Drew Storen for game 5? Yeah. Do I have issues with trust towards Tyler Clippard? Some, sure. But just cause you’re constipated and having trouble producing at a comfortable level doesn’t mean you have to spend $28 million dollars on cow shit to put in your toilet to make you feel like you did the job you were supposed to.

You might be confused as to why I hate Soriano so much. Well, I have to come clean on something to explain that. In addition to being a Nationals fan, I am also a Yankees fan. I grew up in New York and live there now, so I’m not the type of person you hate for liking the Yankees because I’m a bandwagoner. I’m the type of person you hate for liking the Yankees because they’re the Yankees. And because I follow the Yankees, I have seen a lot of Rafael Soriano over the past two years. And let me tell you… the things I have seen are horrific. Let us recount some of them:

2011 ALDS Game 3: Rafael Soriano allows a late home run to Delmon Young costing the Yankees a crucial game in a series they would end up losing 3-2. Bringing a man into Washington who rewarded an anti-semite with a series changing home run like this might strain US-Israeli relations at a crucial time. I don’t think it’s exaggerating to say that Soriano’s signing could set off a chain of events causing the destruction of the Israeli state.

May 3, 2012: Rafael Soriano slathers vaseline on the warning track of Kauffman Stadium trying to create a Slip ‘n Slide, leading to Mariano Rivera hurting himself and nearly ending his career. There is a time to have fun Rafael, and this wasn’t it.

August 28, 2012: Soriano blows a save then bails before talking to the media. I don’t care if Carly Rae Jepsen was on Leno that night, you do not leave before finishing the job. Wait, was she performing? No! No, it still doesn’t matter!

It comes down to this. 2 years, $28 million, 1 sad fan. If his option vests it can run as high as 3 years, $42 million, and billions of sad fans. If you support this move, if you actually think it helps the Nats, you will be very very Sori the first time he comes into pitch this year. If not cause of his performance, then because of his ear piercing entrance music, which I’m confident will be this. Or he can just take “Bad Company” from Drew Storen, since Soriano really is the worst company anyone could have.

R.I.P. Our Chances for the 2013 Season.

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2 thoughts on “Well, This Sucks (Nationals Sign Rafael Soriano)

  1. […] sadness sweeps through Natstown on the wake of the worst signing in franchise history, there is some good news, news about Spring Training. It was announced […]

  2. […] esteemed colleague has already pointed out some excellent reasons to detest Rafael Soriano, but I feel a personal obligation to lend the […]

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