Monthly Archives: February 2013

Mets Beat Nationals

Giving up now.

Giving up now.

Spring Training games are underway and our season is over. The Nationals opened up their spring by losing 5-3 to the Mets. Strasburg struggled, Chris Snyder was the only offensive force, and Opposite Day was a success nationwide. We hope that when the teams meet again on Monday, that they function as we would expect them to do in the season.

As for this blog’s covering of Spring Training games, you’ll have to forgive this lackluster introduction. Like the players, we need time to get into the swing of things. I know that last season we covered every single game in Spring Training, the regular season, and the playoffs, but this year we might be tinkering around with our formula. We promise some exciting coverage nonetheless, including a new feature about the World Baseball Classic that we’ve been discussing.

We look forward to entertaining those of you who didn’t off yourselves after today’s game.

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Nationals Sign Chris Young (The Pitcher, Not the Rugby Player)


“Is this a wart on my knuckle?”
“Ew, get away! That’s gross!”

The Nationals have signed Chris Young to a minor league deal. When you look at Young, you’re shocked by one physical trait. He is not black. Then you realize you’re thinking of the wrong Chris Young. After coming to that realization you notice that Chris Young, the pitcher, is quite tall. 6’10”, in fact. And you know what they say about tall pitchers, don’t you?

You don’t?

Neither do I, I was hoping you did.

Well Chris Young is here, and will provide us with rotation depth. Now if only we could find someone to provide us with velocity depth.

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Nats Sign Kelvin De La Cruz


This picture came up when I searched “Kelvin de la Cruz” on Google. I am wary of this signing.

The Nationals have come to terms with Kelvin De La Cruz on a minor league contract. The signing leaves me wondering. Not about where he’ll fit in on our team, or how much money we’re paying him. No, I’m curious which Cruz this Kelvin belongs to.

I don’t want us getting in trouble and going to court over stolen property. I want to work out with Kelvin’s Cruz-named owner as to who this man rightfully belongs to. Jose Cruz Jr? Maybe. Jose Cruz Sr? Also maybe? Whichever Cruz this Kelvin is of, please step forward so we can work this out.

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Jordan Zimmermann Avoids Arbitration with Nationals


Just like he avoids Ryan Zimmerman. But Ryan keeps trying to be his friend anyway.

Breaking news! In that I’m breaking the laws of news by claiming this to be breaking when it is in fact hours old, but please forgive me.

The Nationals and Jordan Zimmermann have avoided arbitration by agreeing to a $5.35 million 1-year deal. They have also avoided us needing to figure out how to change our url yet move all our stories over to a new one for at least another year.

Now that I know Jordan will be playing for the Nats this upcoming season without any issues, I can relax. I worried about who could be your heir, Jordan. I’m just glad that you didn’t have to take it to any court to decide the case. This re-signing is a slam dunk for the team.

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Will Ohman Signed by Nationals


I broke into Topps’ computer network and found this in the folder labeled, “Weird shit that wouldn’t fly on baseball cards.”

Oh man. Will you look at this? The Nationals have signed Will Ohman to a minor league contract. Will he earn the lefty role in the pen out of spring training? Oh man, what a contest this will be.

Oh, man.



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Nationals Sign Micah Owings


I’m sure you’ll find that pen you misplaced very soon, Micah.

The Nationals have signed first baseman Micah Owings to a minor league contract. Now many of you probably remember Micah Owings the pitcher. Well based on the similar looks of the one we just signed, the Owings we got is the very same and has transitioned to being a hitter, is Micah’s twin brother who his parents also named Micah for no good reason, or has had serious plastic surgery and a name change to look like the real Micah. I think choice two is probably the most likely, and that the Owings’s father was also named Micah and we’ve got George Foreman thing going on here.

Owings spent many years trying to make it as a pitcher but couldn’t quite cut it. During that time he was a terrifying offensive presence though, a regular Mike Hampton. Only with Micah you felt bad that he had trouble making it as a pitcher while with Mike you found it hilarious because of his giant contract.

The Nats have previously had a similar situation to the one they now have with Micah. Rick Ankiel made the transition from pitcher to “hitter” as well. Only I put quotations around hitter because well, look at Ankiel’s stats.

I had the pleasure of meeting Mr. Owings at the Marvin Miller Memorial in NYC a few weeks ago. He was very polite and very tall, which both directly translate to offensive success as evidenced by Pleasant McLarge’s triple crown achievement in 1924. I hope Micah finds a place on our team down the line, if only so I can tell people I had a three way chat with a National and Rick Helling once.

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Nats Sign Accardo, Snyder


Point those fingers the other way. I’m talking about you, Jeremy!

The Nationals made two minor league signings today, bringing in both reliever Jeremy Accardo and catcher Chris Snyder. Accardo gives the Nationals some more right handed relief options, as well as some more concession stands to consider. Accardough’s Pizza will be located down the third base line this coming season no doubt.

Snyder provides some catching depth at the minor league level, but let’s be honest. We know that’ll thin out soon. Snyder’s family has already made funeral arrangements. Poor Nationals catchers…

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