Monthly Archives: March 2013

Goodbye Chris Young (The Pitcher, Not the Actor)

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Young found his teammates were not accepting of him bringing his vast porn collection to the clubhouse every day.

Just last month, the Nationals signed Chris Young. Everyone was happy, because we needed someone to to dust on the top of counters, and Young was just tall enough to do it. But now, just one month later, Young has decided to opt out of being a cleaning gentleman to focus on actually getting a big league starting job.

Young is not that, as he will turn 34 this season. So hopefully he finds a team to take a chance on him. I just hope some team doesn’t accidentally sign him in order to meet a quota for employing minorities, ending up very disappointed.

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Nationals Sign J.C. Romero

JC Romero 07-11-09A photo of J.C. taken in hell.

O Romero, Romero, wherefore art thou Romero?

Oh, you’re here.

J.C. Romero has signed a minor league contract with the Nationals. Fresh off a WBC finals run with Puerto Rico, J.C. finds himself in the capital city of the country that keeps his fellow countrymen’s voices at bay. He’s here for one of two reasons. To play baseball, or to infiltrate our government after earning our trust and finally helping Puerto Rico achieve statehood. Either way, he’ll have to deal with old white men who control everything.

Romero was actually briefly a National once before, having played in the minors for a few weeks in 2011. I guess he just couldn’t stay away. You know what they say. Once you go National, you never go back-tional.

People say that.

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Once, Twice, Three Times a Loser: Puerto Rico Cedes WBC to Dominicans, Surprising Nobody

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It turned out to be far too late to get out of the way of the seagull poop.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 3, Puerto Rico 0.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The 2013 World Baseball Classic.

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There are two types of people who don’t like the World Baseball Classic. People who don’t smile, and comedy blog writers who are creating posts that parallel historic events between nations. We fall more into the latter, although I’ve had trouble raising the corners of my mouth since Game 5.

The WBC Final was a matchup between the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico, two teams who had already met twice before in this tournament. We had already run thin on metaphors given the surprisingly limited series of conflicts between the two nearby islands, exaggerating some unwanted immigration for the first matchup and then basically fabricating a battle over tourism for the 2nd DR-PR meeting. So for the third and final all-Caribbean faceoff we had to think outside the box. And we thought so outside the box that we came all the way back inside the box.

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DR DR, Give Me The News: Dominicans Have Bad Case of Going Undefeated, Loving You

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Sadly in modern baseball, scolding the opposing team no longer counts for 2 runs.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 4, Netherlands 1.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: This family from the Netherlands trying to adjust to life in the Dominican Republic.

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Well one thing is clear for sure. Not being much does not exclude you from winning, unless of course we’re talking about a mass possession contest. In that case if you are not much, not only are you not Dutch, but you also are a failure. Despite being much and Dutch, the Dutch proved to be not much in terms of winning. Much of the fanfare about the Dutch abruptly died, as the not-so-much-Dutch Dominicans proved to be much much more than the Dutch, despite the amount of their muchness coming into question often, given their lack of Dutch-ness. Well all that ado about muchness turned out to be much ado about nothing. It is odd that something about muchness could ultimately amount to nothing, but it is the case here. The Dutch were much-Dutch, but not much of a baseball team. And for that, they lost.

But you know who are much and Dutch, much in that there are 5 of them and Dutch in that they are from the Netherlands? The Broekhuijsen family. The Broekhuijsens were a family of ex-pats who moved to the Dominican Republic in 2001. Arriving in an unfamiliar land, and lacking the support and comfort they were used to at home, was tough for this group of Dutch folks. Just like it must have been tough for the Netherlands baseball team. They were thousands of miles from home, and fitting in was hard. Whether it was because they were an unappreciated baseball squad, or because they were white, blending in well with these foreign worlds was going to be a challenge.

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It’s Seppuku Time: Japan Disembowled By Puerto Rico in Semifinal

Matsui did it partly because he made the last out in the loss, but mostly because he remembered that he used to be on the Mets.

Matsui did it partly because he made the last out in the loss, but mostly because he remembered that he used to be on the Mets.

Final Score: Puerto Rico 3, Japan 1

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The U.S. dropping an atomic bomb on Japan

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They will go down as perhaps the two most difficult decisions in history. Decisions of unparalleled consequence. Decisions that altered the course of humanity. Decisions that strike to the very core of the human condition. Decisions that haunted and will forever haunt the sleepless nights of their makers.

The first: United States President Harry S. Truman’s decision to drop atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Hundreds of thousands of Japanese civilian lives weighed on the most terrible scale against the similar thousands of American soldiers whose lives would have inevitably been lost in a ground invasion of Japan. The unleashing of the most devastating weapon ever devised to end the deadliest conflict the world had yet experienced.

The second: Puerto Rico Manager Edwin Rodriguez’s decision to bring in J.C. Romero into a 3-1 game in the bottom of the 9th of a 2013 World Baseball Classic semifinal. The possibility that J.C. Romero would get some outs weighed against the likelihood the he would give up some baserunners. The unleashing of a pretty terrible pitcher in an effort to end a baseball game that would send Puerto Rico to the WBC finals. Continue reading

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Santo Sabado: Saturday’s Game Enlightens Us All About Semifinal Seeding

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The players find it hilarious that all of Jose Reyes’s teeth fell out. But how will he chew? Not so funny when you consider that issue.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 2, Puerto Rico 0.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The tourism battle between the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico.

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When you’re thinking of a nice Caribbean vacation, you’d probably consider going to either the Dominican Republic or Puerto Rico. Just like baseball. When you’re thinking of good baseball, you’d probably consider either the Dominican Republic or the USA. I mean Puerto Rico, which is kind of the USA anyway.

The Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico are the two most visited vacation destinations in the Caribbean. Source: Wikipedia said that in a sentence and fact checking is boring, so lets go with it. Puerto Rico has historically been on top, but the Dominican surely wants to be recognized as number one. I’m surprised they aren’t already, as Jose Lima’s gravesite should be a pilgrimage for any baseball fan from the 90s, much like Mecca.

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Great PR Campaign: Puerto Rican Efforts Persuade US Players to Lose

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Angel Pagan believes he’s a choo-choo train. It’s kind of cute. And also a frightening sign of severe mental illness.

Final Score: Puerto Rico 4, USA 3.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: The Puerto Rican Campaign of the Spanish American War.

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Americans always look good early on. However whether it’s because of a breakdown in strategy in some sort of competition, or because your metabolism slows down as you age and obesity finally kicks in, the USA tends to look a lot worse in the end. Take the Puerto Rican Campaign of the Spanish American War. America looked dominant early on, taking victories with ease against the Puerto Ricans. But at the very end they floundered, leading to an exit in a region where they could have done a lot more.

Then we look at the WBC. America looked dominant early on, taking victories with ease against the Puerto Ricans. But then in their second game the Americans floundered, leading to an exit in a region where they also could have done a lot more. Friday’s game was strangely similar to the events of the late 1800s for these reasons, and also because a couple fans were taken as POWs. Loria wanted to make sure the stadium was filled next season and had no other options.

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All Akimbrel: U.S. Left With Hands on Hips After Tough Loss

Joe Torre trudges away after failing his country, like he always does.

Joe Torre trudges away after failing his country, like he always does.

Final Score: Dominican Republic 3, United States 1

World Baseball Conflict of the Game:: The American occupation of the Dominican Republic in 1965-66

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I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “How could the U.S. occupation of the Dominican Republic, which lead to an American-favored ruler being installed as President who would rule for two decades, be considered a metaphor for a game in which American was defeated?”

I’ll tell you how, you heartless bastard. No military intervention in another country’s domestic affairs can EVER be considered a victory, because foreign occupations for the sake of American strategic gain are MORALLY REPUGNANT. Even when the other country is in the midst of a civil war, as the DR was in 1965, military action cannot be justified. WHO ARE WE to decide the fate of the Dominican people? WHO ARE WE to decide that they would be better off if they “didn’t have a civil war?”

Lyndon Johnson may have thought he won this war, but his soul was defeated. The ethics of U.S. foreign policy suffered a loss in the Dominican Republic comparable to Craig Kimbrel giving up a go-ahead single to Eric Aybar in the 9th inning last night.

And the United States never recovered from its moral failing. Vietnam, Iraq, Kosovo, Afghanistan, Iraq again, Libya. Not coming back against Fernando Rodney in the bottom of the 9th. Look how far America has fallen from its righteous beginnings.

True victories are not measured in battles won, casualties sustained, or economic and political benefits attained. They are measured by whether we have abided by our moral principles.

And also, runs scored.

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Honest Abe: Shinnosuke Hits Two Homers, Doesn’t Lie About It

Shinnosuke Abe, depicted in the tradition Japanese style of “extremely weird.”

Final Score: Japan 10, Netherlands 6

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Japan’s revocation of exclusive trading rights with the Dutch in 1858

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Once upon a time, there was a period of several centuries when the only white people in the world that Japan was okay with were Dutch people. Japan kicked out all other Western suitors for their trade, but the Dutch East India Company was invited in and told to make themselves comfortable. They certainly did, enjoying exclusive Japanese hospitality for about two and a half centuries.

But Japan eventually got bored with its trade monogamy, and fell victim to the seductive wiles of voluptuous young Americans like Commodore Matthew Perry. The Convention of Kanagawa affirmed Japan’s infidelity, leaving the Dutch well and truly cuckolded. The divorce didn’t go well for the Netherlands, as Japan ended up taking all their stuff and enslaving them.

Now, Japan is just being a dick to their ex for the fun of it. They’ve beaten the Dutch twice in this WBC, by a combined score of 26-10. Why must Japan be so cruel? The Dutch were a perfectly good partner in the 17th-19th centuries. They don’t deserve this.

I can only hope that if Japan ends up playing the Netherlands in the finals, they will show some mercy out of remembrance for the love the two nations once shared.

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Puerto Beacon: Late Inning Rally Guides Italy Out of Tournament

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A Puerto Rican player realizes he just missed the chance to touch his butt to another man’s butt. How sad.

Final Score: Puerto Rico 4, Italy 3.

World Baseball Conflict of the Game: Corsican Immigration to Puerto Rico.

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In the early 19th century, Spain grew fearful of a rebellion in their remaining Caribbean colonies, which included Puerto Rico. In the early 21st century, the WBC organizers grew fearful of a rebellion against the WBC. Both governing bodies decided that a jolt was needed to reinvigorate that which could soon slip away from them. The answer in each event was to invite a bunch of Europeans to come on and join the party, which in both cases (the only two times in history) did not lead to a weird discotheque-themed orgy.

Through the Royal Decree of Graces, Spain invited non-Spanish European Catholics to emigrate to Puerto Rico, while through e-mail or something more modern, WBC organizers invited the UK, France, etc. to join their quadrennial event.

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