Final Score: Cuba 6, Japan 3
World Baseball Conflict of the Game: A hypothetical future war to the death between Cuba and Japan
The vast majority of MLB.com’s game summary headlines are pretty dumb, especially compared to The Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s headlines, which never fail to reach the pinnacle of cleverness (like the one on this very post). Sometimes MLB.com’s are pretty unintentionally funny, though. Take the headline for this game: “Opening Statement: Cuba Sinks Japan to End First Round.”
The first half of the headline is, as usual, a useless semi-applicable figure of speech. But the second half, taken literally, is amazing.
Picture it: the year is 2113. Japan and Cuba are locked in a deadly conflict that has so offended both sides’ honor that everyone knows the only way for the war to end is for one nation to be completely annihilated. Neither state has nuclear weapons, but they are locked in an arms race to develop a weapon even more powerful…the Island-Sinker.
How does it work? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s a giant blade that slices through the rock connecting the island to the earth’s crust, sending the surface toppling into the sea. Maybe it involves powerful cords connected to each side of the island that draw-and-quarter it until it shatters. Maybe it’s just a huge anvil/resurrected body of Mo Vaughn that is dropped on the island to push it down below sea level. It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that Cuba gets the technology first.
And uses it. Just like Cuba sank Japan by a score of 6-3 to end the first round of the 2013 World Baseball Classic, Cuba sinks the island of Japan into the Pacific Ocean a century later to end the first round of their war. Only this time, the first round is actually the last round. Because Japan doesn’t exist. Having been sunk into the ocean.