Monthly Archives: April 2013

1 Is The Loneliest Number That You’ll Ever Hit: A Reds Series Recap

Game 1:

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Gio and this female reporter have very different reactions to being covered in urine. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Nationals 8, Reds 1

I had my iTunes playlist all ready for Gio’s start. Songs like “Walk This Way,” “These Boots Are Made For Walking,” “Walking On Sunshine,” and many more tunes that would make paraplegics very depressed, were all primed up and ready to be played every time Gio walked a batter. And wouldn’t you know it, Gio lacked control yet again. He walked DOUBLE the amount of players that he allowed hits to. That’s right, TWO walks, and- Oh. He threw an 8 inning 1 hitter? That’s pretty awesome. Knowing Gio had such a good game relaxes me more than those other 1 hitters filled with pot.

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NatsTown, Episode 1: The Dirt Stained Jersey

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A promotional cast photo.

The clubhouse. The Nationals players enjoy a post-game meal. Davey Johnson enters. He approaches Chad Tracy.

Davey: Chad, I need to see you in my office.

Chad’s laughter is now silent, as the rest of the players look on nervously.

Chad gets up from his chair and follows Davey to his office. The door shuts behind them.

Davey: Have a seat.

Chad: What’s going on, skip?

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House of Cards: Nationals Park Occupied by Unwelcome Residents

My soul, ca. April 24, 2013, 4:00 pm

My soul, circa April 24, 2013, 4:00 pm

Game 1: 

Cardinals 3, Nationals 2

Game 2:

Cardinals 2, Nationals 0

Game 3: 

Cardinals 4, Nationals 2

Game 5:

Cardinals 10, Nationals 8

They say revenge is a dish best served never. By “they,” I’m talking about Davey Johnson in what I presume was his pre-series speech. Davey has lived a long time, so you can’t expect him to keep all his axioms straight, but you’d think he could at least remember the basic gist of them. In this case, his disintegrating memory combined with the Nationals’ extreme gullibility resulted in dire consequences.

In their first chance to take their rightful vengeance on the St. Louis Cardinals after the game that must not be named, the Nationals instead just served them a plate with a delicious sweepcake. And now, for the first time in recent memory, the Nationals have a losing record. And I’m not just referring to the White Album record that Davey Johnson misplaces so frequently that he refers to it as his “losing record.” The Nationals are actually 10-11.
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Nats Exercise Mike Rizzo’s 2014 Option

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Someone finally explains to Mike what rain is, and why umbrellas are a good idea.

Just a short time ago, the Nationals announced that they have exercised Mike Rizzo’s 2014 option. When asked why, ownership released a statement something along the lines of, “It was getting chunky around the waist and we wanted it to live a healthy life, so we forced it onto a treadmill.”

Rizzo has put together an excellent ball club, assuming 10 and 11 are your favorite numbers, in that specific order. But a final verdict for Rizzo’s efforts has not been reached, as its still too early to tell where the team will end up this season. Much like its still too early to burn all your Nationals clothing and throw away your season tickets every time the team loses a game. My parents are getting upset about how much I’m spending.

Rizzo also has an option for 2015, but it has not been exercised yet. Team doctors say it’s in fine health, and needs no lifestyle change.

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New York on Sunday, Nats Offense Taking a Nap

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What a bad teacher.

Final Score: Mets 2, Nationals 0.

Belle of the Ball: Anthony Rendon. Rendon had a terrible debut, going 0 for 4 and making an error. But there’s no reason to hurt his confidence now. We need to support him in this new experience, and give him our praise hoping he will become a star.

But if he ever goes 0 for 4 again I will disown him.

Smell of the Ball: Jayson Werthless. Get what I did there with the name? It’s a funny pun, since his name is Werth and he is HORRIBLE SO HORRIBLE, WHY WOULD YOU SWING AT A 3-0 PITCH WHEN THE PITCHER WASN’T THROWING STRIKES. COULD YOU BE MORE STUPID? THE ANSWER IS NO, UNLESS YOU WENT BACK INTO THE CLUBHOUSE AND SCRAPED PAINT OFF THE WALL AND JUST ATE IT FOR HOURS, WHICH IS NOW WHAT I’M GUESSING YOU DID BECAUSE YOU DO NOTHING THAT MAKES SENSE. WE COULD HAVE HAD THE BASES LOADED AND 0 OUT BUT INSTEAD THE WORLD IS OVER AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.

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Henry Rodriguez finds comfort in another man who has trouble throwing strikes.

Today was Ron Darling Bobblehead Day at Citi Field. Many teams have special tributes to the players honored with the toy during these games. The Phillies recently hosted a Lenny Dykstra bobblehead day where food vendors would take all the money in your wallet when you tried to pay for something. The Cardinals, during Ozzie Smith bobblehead day, all tried to do backflips, resulting in serious neck injuries for most. And of course how could we forget the Giants’s Fred Merkle bobblehead day, where every player had to play with a boner.

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Rendon Called Up, Zimmerman to DL

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The sad man to the left of Rendon was certain he was next in line to play 3B instead of Anthony.

Ryan Zimmerman going to the DL has become an event for celebration in Natstown. Sure, Ryan going down is always a blow to the team. But with every Zimmerman injury comes an exciting new prospect to the major league squad. Last year was Harper, and this year is Anthony Rendon. Pretty soon, anytime a Nats fan wants a top prospect to be called up, they’ll probably pull a Tonya Harding type thing with Zimmerman.

Who knows when Zimmerman will return. What we do know is that Rendon’s debut is right around the corner. Does this news make you pained and uncomfortable? No, that’s not because you’re worried about how ready Rendon is. It’s because you’ve got Rendonitis.

We mentioned Rendonitis a while ago, claiming that a cure was to put Rendon on the ML roster. Oddly enough, I still feel pain with regards to Desmond erring, so clearly that was not the solution. It is clear to me that Rendonitis is an incurable disease that will rapidly spread throughout all the Nats faithful. So get ready for a disease that never goes away, because trust me, it’ll be worth it. Wouldn’t you give a lung for a home run? I would.

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You Need an Ace in the Hole, Theirs is Harvey: Team of Jokers Beat Nats

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They say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. This group of Mets fans is getting quite the workout.

Final Score: Mets 7, Nationals 1

Belle of the Ball: I don’t know…Jesus? I mean he died for our sins, and there was nothing more sinful than this game. Shows real dedication to the team to die for an early season loss.

Smell of the Ball: Where do I begin? Oh, Ian Desmond. That’s where. Yeah, this was a near full 25-man all around sucking effort, but Desmond’s error on the first Mets batter made me realize I was about to sit through one of the worst experiences of my life. And I’ve seen Norbit.

…That was a lie. Nobody saw Norbit.

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I love attending Nationals games. I hate attending extended sessions of grown men shitting all over the place and ruining my night. Tonight, thinking I was attending the former, I sadly attended the latter. It is an easy mistake to make though. If only they made the announcements on the NYC Subway sound clearer, maybe I would’ve correctly gotten off at Mets – Willets Point instead of Awful – Poop Central.

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The Ghost of Haren-hal: Formerly Good Pitcher Assassinates Nats’ Chances of Sweep

Game 1:

Jordan Zimmermann knows that in Kurt Suzuki's embrace, he will find a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly hugged to death over a thousand years.

Jordan Zimmermann knows that in Kurt Suzuki’s embrace, he will find a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly hugged to death over a thousand years.

Nationals 10, Marlins 3

This game was as it should be. The Nationals played the Marlins. The Nationals beat the Marlins, by a lot. The world was in harmony; children laughed and played and there were no sad people at all except for Marlins fans, so there were no sad people.

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Whoaaa ohh no-no-no. Oh-oh-ohhh oh no-no-no: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

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This guy just stood there like this during the whole game. It was weird. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Braves 6, Nationals 4

Drew Storen should be using Bad Company as his entrance music. No, not the song he currently uses, but rather a song from the Sondheim musical Company, performed very badly to prepare us for the performance that Storen will then have. We could even take liberties with some lyrics to, again, better reflect Storen’s contributions to the team.

What we do without Drew? Win like we usually do.

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Are Our Catchers Horribly Injured? Wilson Ramos Injury Edition

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“I’ll take one injury please.”

Wilson Ramos is injured and going to the DL. It’s time for another edition of “Are Our Catchers Horribly Injured?”

Wilson Ramos: Ramos has a strained left hamstring, but the team believes that he could only miss the minimum amount of time on the DL. Well I believe that JFK was assassinated by a lobster that clamped down on a trigger accidentally, but a lot of people call me crazy for that.

Kurt Suzuki: Suzukis never break down, as long as you maintain them properly. That’s why the team changes Suzuki’s oil every few weeks.

Jhonatan Solano: Solano returns to the team with Ramos going down. He had to be hogtied and carried by a bunch of heavies since he resisted and screamed “Don’t take me back! I like my health! My legs are fine and don’t change it!” But there was no success in resisting.

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