Opening Dayum: Nats Show Off Impressive Assets In Tight One


“You see this? This is my nipple.”

Final Score: Nationals 2, Marlins 0.

Dames of the Game…s…: 

Bryce Harper: 2-4, 2 R, 2 HR, 2 RBI. Now on pace for 324 home runs this season, I’d say Harper is falling just short of expectations. But he’s young. Maybe with some more experience he’ll end up like Dmitri Young, who was once on pace for 486 home runs after Opening Day. And who was also once convicted of a crime, a key to being considered a great. Don’t believe me? Well if Lenny Dykstra and Ugueth Urbina aren’t Hall of Fame bound, then I must be completely unaware of the actual definition of the word great.

Stephen Strasburg: Win, 7 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 3 K. After a leadoff single, Strasburg retired 19 straight batters. He made the Marlins look silly. In fact, I haven’t seen a team look as pathetic as the Marlins did today since I looked at the Marlins roster yesterday, and anytime in the past 4 months.

Shame of the Game: 

Rafael Soriano: Being Rafael Soriano. What can you say about a guy like Rafael Soriano? He threw a perfect 9th, showed impressive velocity and control, and I still hate him. Some say “let bygones be bygones,” but I say “drill bygones into your mind so you can always remember who has wronged you.”


The smell of freshly cut grass. The warmth from the sun’s rays. The semi-irrational hatred of millionaires that I’ve never known personally, building to its highest level since October. Yes, baseball is finally back.

The last time the Nationals took the field in a game that mattered it ended in shock, depression, and misery. Yes, that exhibition loss to the Yankees on March 29th was a real bummer. There is nothing more depressing than losing to a lineup featuring Vernon Wells and Lyle Overbay. But the team looked to move on and improve, and there were many positive signs that suggest the team will do even better in the coming year. Let’s hope these positive signs are accurate, and that the Nationals prove to be pregnant. Pregnant with quality offense, and good defense, and a placenta that I can ultimately eat so that I feel one with the organization.

All the Nationals needed today was that special touch from the younger players, which is coincidental considering how much the Catholic Church has been in the news recently. Bryce and Stephen excelled in their respective fields, left and in, and also offense and defense. However I’m saddened by Strasburg’s paltry offensive performance compared to last year, but it is still early in the season and I have confidence he’ll rebound since he is pretty tall at 6’4″.

The Marlins were as you’d expect them to be…The Marlins. Just recently, “The Marlins” was added to the thesaurus as a synonym for “OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS MISERABLE THING YOU’VE PRESENTED BEFORE ME?!?!” Miami made those at Merriam-Webster confident in their decision to make the aforementioned addition with just a pathetic performance that made Nationals fans everywhere ecstatic. I’m pretty confident MLB keeps the Marlins around to just make those around them feel better about themselves, much like having a very fat friend. But don’t worry about mocking the metaphorical obesity, because the Marlins are also horrible on the inside. Sadly, every effort the Marlins have made to binge and purge, mostly using their roster, has done nothing to make them any more beautiful in my eyes but rather all the more pathetic.

And now for some comments on some of the new Nationals:

  • Denard Span: Denard had a quiet debut for the Nationals, with an unimportant late inning single. He is still many hits away from having Nationals Park being renamed Span Yard.
  • Rafael Soriano: See Wikipedia entry for “cluster headache.”
  • Dan Haren: Designated Rick Eckstein’s “tickle buddy” for today’s game, so he spent most of his time in the dugout out of view.

Monday’s game was a great start to the season, one that won’t be forgotten. Until of course we lose a single game and it feels like the season has suddenly become a horrible disappointment.

We’ll be at Nationals Park Wednesday night, providing live coverage of game 2. If this season is anything like Star Wars 4-6, the sequel should be an improvement over the already great first one. If this season is instead anything like Star Wars 1-3, god help us all.

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