2013 Nationals Player Profile: Denard Span

Denard Span's saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

Denard Span’s saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

On January 16, 2013, Denard Span woke up, went to the bathroom, defecated, forgot to brush his teeth, and pulled on his Lounging Robe, which is neon pink and checkered with pictures of his naked body taken from different angles. He plopped down on his couch, flipped open his laptop, and started clicking around on youtube.

Denard Span saw something on youtube. Something that would change his life forever.

He couldn’t contain himself. He tried to resist for a few minutes, but twitter was calling him with its siren tweet-song. At last, at 11:54 AM, Denard Span tweeted the following tweet:

@thisisdpsan: “I was watching some controversial stuff on YouTube about the sandy hooks thing today! It really makes u think and wonder”

It really does. It really makes me think and wonder about Denard Span, and what other odds and ends are meandering around in that crazy ol’ head of his.

My wondering produced the following list of some similarly-plausible conspiracy theories that Span probably believes in:

10. Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy simultaneously got in a time machine and assassinated each other.

9. The iceberg that dragged the Titanic down to its watery grave was actually a large, triangular sea-bear that the ship had disturbed from its millenia-long hibernation.

8. There was actually a moon landing, during which NASA stole the moon to hold hostage in case the U.S. government ever decided to remove its funding. The moon we see in the sky is a projection on a green screen that surrounds the entire earth.

7. Brutus and co. didn’t really kill Julius Caesar. It was all a setup by the CIA, in which William Shakespeare was complicit.

6. Barack Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii. He was born in South Dakota.

5. Rafael Soriano is just Chad Cordero in blackface.

4. 9/11 actually happened on February 24.

3. Denard Span is a figment of his own imagination.

2. Jesus was God’s dad.

1. Davey Johnson is directly responsible for 70% of all deaths.

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