The Ghost of Haren-hal: Formerly Good Pitcher Assassinates Nats’ Chances of Sweep

Game 1:

Jordan Zimmermann knows that in Kurt Suzuki's embrace, he will find a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly hugged to death over a thousand years.

Jordan Zimmermann knows that in Kurt Suzuki’s embrace, he will find a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly hugged to death over a thousand years.

Nationals 10, Marlins 3

This game was as it should be. The Nationals played the Marlins. The Nationals beat the Marlins, by a lot. The world was in harmony; children laughed and played and there were no sad people at all except for Marlins fans, so there were no sad people.

The end.

Game 3: 

If Kurt Suzuki had had a real gun, he would've won this argument. Thanks Obama.

If Kurt Suzuki had had a real gun instead of just his fingers, he would’ve won this argument. Thanks Obama.

Nationals 6, Marlins 1

We’re going a bit out of chronological order here, so bear with me. Game 3 was also as it should be. The Nationals played the Marlins. The Nationals beat the Marlins, by a reasonable margin. The universe is ordered, the laws of physics apply, causes lead to their appropriate effects. There are no abnormalities. No pollutants. Nothing corroding the very fabric of human existence.

But between these two sensible baseball games, something happened. Something terrible. Or someone.

Game 2:

Good news: there's someone lonelier than you in the world (it's this guy).

Good news: there’s someone lonelier than you in the world (it’s this guy).

Marlins 8, Nationals 2

This game was not as it should have been. The Nationals played the Marlins. The Nationals…lost…to the Marlins. This is wrong. So very, very wrong.

How can this be? Who dares disturb the perfect beauty of life with this fucking bullshit?

I’ll tell you who.  Dan Haren. A man who the Nationals imported from abroad this offseason, and a man who used to be great master of the pitching arts. A man who has thrice had the chance to prove himself to his new home, and a man who has thrice failed to do so.

As they say in one of those sports I don’t pay much attention to, three strikes and you’re out. Dan Haren has had three strikes. Is Dan Haren out? Well, he’ll probably get to keep pitching since the Nationals are paying him a bunch of money and traded a bunch of prospects for him, so not technically.

But the more important question is: is Dan Haren out…of my heart? The answer is an emphatic yes. I am, for the first time, officially registering my displeasure with Dan Haren as a Washington National and general existent human being.

It was one thing when Haren could plausibly use the excuse that other teams just happened to be hitting really well on the nights that he pitched. But now that he has failed against the Marlins, that variable has been fully controlled for. The culprit for Dan Haren’s disastrous starts can be none other than the distasteful man himself. I apologize in advance for my harsh words, but I cannot bring myself to mince them: Dan Haren is worse than the Marlins.

I would humbly request that he either (in order of preference) dramatically improve his performance as a pitcher, leave the Washington Nationals organization, or be dead. That is all.

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One thought on “The Ghost of Haren-hal: Formerly Good Pitcher Assassinates Nats’ Chances of Sweep

  1. […] be wondering, in the aftermath of this game, if I intend on issuing an apology to Dan Haren for my comments about him a couple weeks ago. I will admit, I may have spoken in anger. I may have said that Dan […]

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