You Need an Ace in the Hole, Theirs is Harvey: Team of Jokers Beat Nats


They say it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. This group of Mets fans is getting quite the workout.

Final Score: Mets 7, Nationals 1

Belle of the Ball: I don’t know…Jesus? I mean he died for our sins, and there was nothing more sinful than this game. Shows real dedication to the team to die for an early season loss.

Smell of the Ball: Where do I begin? Oh, Ian Desmond. That’s where. Yeah, this was a near full 25-man all around sucking effort, but Desmond’s error on the first Mets batter made me realize I was about to sit through one of the worst experiences of my life. And I’ve seen Norbit.

…That was a lie. Nobody saw Norbit.


I love attending Nationals games. I hate attending extended sessions of grown men shitting all over the place and ruining my night. Tonight, thinking I was attending the former, I sadly attended the latter. It is an easy mistake to make though. If only they made the announcements on the NYC Subway sound clearer, maybe I would’ve correctly gotten off at Mets – Willets Point instead of Awful – Poop Central.


Not pictured are the emergency phones located by the ledge for depressed Mets fans.

This game was supposed to be a great one. Strasburg vs. Harvey I. An Ali-Frazier level matchup, only with skinny white people instead, both of whom would probably break their pitching hand if they threw a punch at anything. Sadly, Strasburg’s cornermen were terribly incompetent and decided to give him errors instead of water between rounds. I do not know if you know this, but errors do nothing for hydration.


My first time seeing Denard Span in a Nationals uniform. Well, since Span’s a fan of conspiracy theories, how about this one… THAT’S NOT REALLY DENARD SPAN! (but it is actually)

When Strasburg takes the mound, 50% of the time the offense doesn’t even need to come into work. You could throw a potato out there with a “W” painted on it, and in most Stras starts the team will win 3-0, as potatoes do have very small strike zones.  Unless of course it is a very large potato. But we’re not here to talk about potatoes. For that, visit

Frustratingly, tonight’s game fell into the 50% of Strasburg starts where the offense needed to show up. Yet not a single player nor potato really came to play. Strasburg, clearly frustrated at his team’s failings, decided to break up Harvey’s no hitter with a 3rd inning double. He quickly realized that this was a bad idea however, as his team is full of the jealous type. Chad Tracy immediately broke down in tears and accused Stephen of “stealing his thunder,” and insisted that he never do it again. Strasburg obliged, but I guess the rest of the team thought Tracy was talking to them, as they all obliged too. Not a single player had an extra base hit the rest of the game, and the world was awful.


Strasburg models a jacket from the new line of menswear for offensively capable pitchers.

Matt Harvey proved to be a very formidable opponent. Yes, I know this is a direct contradiction of him being a New York Met, but it’s true. Also both Ike Davis and Lucas Duda supported their pitcher by hitting 2 home runs a piece. The Mets were firing on all cylinders, and none of those firings were for Omar Minaya or Jerry Manuel. They seem to have found a manager, GM, and team that could possibly achieve success this season. 2013 might finally be the year where the Mets are a team to beat.

BAHAHAHAHAH. Sorry, I couldn’t help it. No, they’ll end the season in 4th.


If you look hard enough in this picture, you can see a baseball team on the field. Having trouble? Yeah, it’s difficult to find them since they barely showed up. But they’re there, I think.

So the offense was weak, the defense was suspect, but it wouldn’t a true Nationals loss without utter incompetence from the bullpen. And who better to give us that than Man Who is Bad, Drew Storen. Storen continued his downward spiral by allowing 2 home runs and a triple in the 8th. I never thought I’d say this, but I want Henry Rodriguez back. I almost said that once when I said, “I want Henry Rodriguez’s back,” because he has a much nicer back than I do. But the way things are going with our pen, we might as well have a guy pitching late in games who I expect to do poorly, instead of being let down night after night.


Yeah the Nationals lost, but at least I’m the one getting a good workout now.

On a note somewhat unrelated to the Nationals, the Mets always seem to be playing a baseball game when terrorists are captured. Whether it was with Bin Laden in 2011 or the Boston Marathon Bomber tonight, the Mets are on the field when important cases of terrorism reach a climactic point. My guess is that people turn off the TV because its the Mets, and go outside to be productive. But congratulations and a job well done to those in Boston.


While we won’t be present for Saturday’s game, you can look forward to in-person coverage for sunday’s exciting matchup. Zimmermann-Gee, a matchup Nationals fans were looking forward to more than Strasburg-Harvey. Why, you ask? Well, because we’ll probably win it.

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