New York on Sunday, Nats Offense Taking a Nap

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What a bad teacher.

Final Score: Mets 2, Nationals 0.

Belle of the Ball: Anthony Rendon. Rendon had a terrible debut, going 0 for 4 and making an error. But there’s no reason to hurt his confidence now. We need to support him in this new experience, and give him our praise hoping he will become a star.

But if he ever goes 0 for 4 again I will disown him.

Smell of the Ball: Jayson Werthless. Get what I did there with the name? It’s a funny pun, since his name is Werth and he is HORRIBLE SO HORRIBLE, WHY WOULD YOU SWING AT A 3-0 PITCH WHEN THE PITCHER WASN’T THROWING STRIKES. COULD YOU BE MORE STUPID? THE ANSWER IS NO, UNLESS YOU WENT BACK INTO THE CLUBHOUSE AND SCRAPED PAINT OFF THE WALL AND JUST ATE IT FOR HOURS, WHICH IS NOW WHAT I’M GUESSING YOU DID BECAUSE YOU DO NOTHING THAT MAKES SENSE. WE COULD HAVE HAD THE BASES LOADED AND 0 OUT BUT INSTEAD THE WORLD IS OVER AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.

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Henry Rodriguez finds comfort in another man who has trouble throwing strikes.

Today was Ron Darling Bobblehead Day at Citi Field. Many teams have special tributes to the players honored with the toy during these games. The Phillies recently hosted a Lenny Dykstra bobblehead day where food vendors would take all the money in your wallet when you tried to pay for something. The Cardinals, during Ozzie Smith bobblehead day, all tried to do backflips, resulting in serious neck injuries for most. And of course how could we forget the Giants’s Fred Merkle bobblehead day, where every player had to play with a boner.

So for Ron Darling, I hoped the Mets would honor him in a way that reflected Darling’s career. The options seemed to be play slightly below average quality baseball over a long period of time or spending the entire game announcing instead of playing, both of which would have been helpful to the Nats. But no, the Mets took the route of not honoring their player. They decided to honor Tom Seaver yet again by playing good baseball, leaving Darling feeling not so much like a Darling. Well don’t worry Ron. Because while your team might not have played below average baseball, we sure did.

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The game began with a spank. It was weird.

The big story of today’s game for the Nationals was the debut of Anthony Rendon. Rendon was called up to replace Ryan Zimmerman, and did a good job of that by making an error. It made sense to call Anthony up for a game against the Mets, so he could get experience at the AAA level before playing in a major league game. Sadly the debut did not go as many had hoped, but it’s not the end of the world. No, that will take place on August 14th, 2013, when Jesus will come down from the heavens and eat all our heads. So, repent, and also, don’t worry. Rendon has 4 more months to show us what he’s got.

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Rendon becomes seriously concerned when he is finally handed a baseball for the first time, realizing he has no idea what to do.

Zimmermann and the rest of the Nationals pitchers kept the team in the game until Jayson Werth decided that he was tired and needed to hurry off the field to take a nap. On a 3-0 pitch, with runners on 1st and 2nd, 0 outs, down 2, 2 burgers, 1 large fries, a soda… Oh, sorry. Lost my train of thought there. 2 sodas. Yeah, that’ll be all. Thanks.

Back to the game, on a 3-0 pitch, with runners on 1st and 2nd, 0 outs, down 2, Jayson Werth decided to swing at a ball, ground into a double play, and ruin the rally. Going back to our mention of Merkle’s Boner in the introduction, we could perhaps call this event Werth’s Boner, which based on his ability to grow a beard would probably be a lot hairier than Merkle’s. No matter what word for penis we use to describe it, it was a horrible thing he did.

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This is the hashtag the SS would use when they tweeted after putting on their armbands in the morning.

The team hopes to rebound from a terrible series and also a terrible playoffs when they face the Cardinals tomorrow night. With Drew Storen assumably locked in a cage until the series ends, the Nationals will be down a man until Thursday. I sincerely hope we can erase all memories of last October’s events with a relatively meaningless mid-April victory. As I tell everyone, there is no better way to forget traumatic life experiences than to do something much less impactful. I’m sure everyone I give that advice to would tell me it works, if they weren’t on such high levels of anti-depression medication that inhibit their ability to communicate. I wonder why they take it?

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You can’t run from me, Haren! I know where you work!

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