1 Is The Loneliest Number That You’ll Ever Hit: A Reds Series Recap

Game 1:

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Gio and this female reporter have very different reactions to being covered in urine. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Nationals 8, Reds 1

I had my iTunes playlist all ready for Gio’s start. Songs like “Walk This Way,” “These Boots Are Made For Walking,” “Walking On Sunshine,” and many more tunes that would make paraplegics very depressed, were all primed up and ready to be played every time Gio walked a batter. And wouldn’t you know it, Gio lacked control yet again. He walked DOUBLE the amount of players that he allowed hits to. That’s right, TWO walks, and- Oh. He threw an 8 inning 1 hitter? That’s pretty awesome. Knowing Gio had such a good game relaxes me more than those other 1 hitters filled with pot.

Well, OK. Our pitching was good, but I’m sure we lost because of our anemic offense. …8 runs? This is getting ridiculous. Who am I going to criticize? I can’t make jokes about our team doing amazingly, that’s just mean. Am I going to have to resort to actual baseball analysis and commentary instead of comedically mocking failure? I guess I can give it a try…

Bryce Harper continued his stellar campaign by going 2-3 with a homer to lead the Nationals’s offense to victory. The amazing raw talent he shows at such a young age should strike fear in the hearts of pitchers, as he’ll only get stronger and more experienced from here. His patient and thoughtful approach to every pitch is unmatched, even by established veterans.

No, that was weird. How can you write about baseball without frequent poop jokes? It just doesn’t feel right. Let’s move onto game 2. I’m sure the Nationals will do something to disappoint me that I can make fun of.

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Game 2:

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Stop pouring urine on that poor woman. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Nationals 1, Reds 0

Holy shit. (can that count as a poop mention? we have a quota)

I…don’t know what to say. I don’t even care that the offense was bad, Zimmermann was unstoppable. His start in this game was one of the best in Nationals history. I wouldn’t classify it as the most memorable, as its hard to forget that start when Livan fell on his back and it took a 4 hour delay and a crane to upright him. But statistically, it might be the greatest of all time.

With Ryan’s injury, I feel that Jordan has clearly become the #1 Zimmerma(insert however many n’s appropriate here) in town. Zimmermannia has swept over Nnatstownn with great force. Teammates have legally channged their nnames to thinngs like Gonnzalez annd Renndonn, annd Mike Rizzo has robbed a bannk but got away with it because all the monney was for Zimmermann’s extennsionn. This is becominng Jordann’s world, and we’re all lucky to be livinng inn it.

I am very disappointed with Xavier Paul for getting the sole hit off Zimmermann in this game. It’s just kind of like, why? Why bother ruining things? Why do something that positively contributes to you having a successful, financially secure life? Sometimes life isn’t all about money or hits, Xavier. Maybe you should take a lesson in selflessness from the Marlins. None of them make any money, none of them get any hits, they’re the most selfless team in baseball. They have given so much (depression) to their fans, and they should be praised for it.

———-

Game 3:

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“Oh…that’s where this light is coming from…” (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

Nationals 6, Reds 3

Fact: Dan Haren pitches better when hasn’t had sex in days.

As the many members of Haren’s Harem abandoned ship as the subpar starts persisted, Dan Haren grew more and more desperate for sex. Sadly for Dan, there aren’t enough people out there who are willing to have sex with someone who won’t last a long time but will still have plenty of the runs. The few that are willing are those I like to refer to as Padilladies. They are gross, just like Vicente.

“But  with great sexual frustration comes good pitching performances.” -Spiderman

Haren turned in his greatest performance as a National and it was all because of abstinence. He came to play on saturday because he hadn’t came anywhere else in a long time. But even with this great start, I encourage you all. Do not return to Haren’s Harem just yet. Instead, I strongly suggest all Nats fans taking a vow of celibacy, in the hopes that Haren’s penis will remain forever untouched and his pitches will continue to improve.

If you are a scientist interested in publishing my accurate scientific findings, feel free to contact me at thezimmermanntelegram@gmail.com. Thank you.

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Game 4:

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“I’m telling you, I can do a somersault!” “Ok, prove it.” “Ok, here I- uh oh…” (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

Reds 5, Nationals 2

Impulse buys are a bad idea, especially when it leaves you with Amazon’s entire stock of brooms and nothing to do with them. I’m not sure what’s greater, my debt, or my sadness that we couldn’t pull off today’s sweep. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy with 3 of 4 wins. Only I’m lying and I wanted all 4. The fact I haven’t gotten everything I wanted has already made this coming Christmas the worst Christmas ever. I still holding out hope that I get a pony that’s just Davey Johnson wearing a saddle, but I have doubts any of my wishes will come true.

This wasn’t the life ruining loss that all 3 losses in the Cardinals series were, but any loss that isn’t a loss of Sean Burnett is a terrible one. Detwiler struggled, the offense didn’t do much, and I didn’t realize it was free MLB.tv day until the 7th inning so I missed the majority of the game. On a day where I actually in real life attended a cemetery for headstone unveilings, this game was the most depressing thing I experienced all day.

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