At-LAN-ta Party: Nats Counter-Strike Braves to Split Series

Game 1:

A Braves fan tries to create a large-scale version of his weirdly shaped penis. (AP Photo/John Amis)

Braves 3, Nationals 2

This series started out kinda bad. The Nationals hadn’t beaten the Braves since dinosaurs walked on the moon (Date: August 22, 2012; Dinosaur: Apatosaurus). And in this game, they kept not beating them. Kinda bad, as I said.

Another thing wrong with this game was that Stephen Strasburg got injured. Not a big deal, you know. Just some forearm tightness. I mean, who cares? It’s just Stephen Strasburg. We have at least several other pitchers. Besides, my forearm gets tight all the time. It’s just a tight kind of muscle. Maybe they just meant that his forearm was tight, like, in the way that people use the word to talk about cool things? You hear that all the time on the streets, people walking around saying to each other “Yo, dude, that forearm is tight.” They do, don’t they? Don’t they? Tell me they do. Tell me. AHHHH NO GOD I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE I CAN’T BEAR IT AGAIN JUST MAKE STEPHEN STRASBURG’S FOREARM BETTER PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Game 2:

Bryce Harper sucks at ballet.

Bryce Harper sucks at ballet. (Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Braves 8, Nationals 1

Ew. Just…ew. Like bits of exploded slug splattered over a heaping plate of your least favorite food. Let’s never again.

Game 3:

Jordan Schafer thinks he turns into a werewolf when he takes off his helmet. But, well, he doesn't, actually. (AP Photo/John Bazemore)

Jordan Schafer thinks he turns into a werewolf when he takes off his helmet. But, well, he doesn’t, actually. (AP Photo/John Bazemore)

Nationals 2, Braves 0

Dearest Jordan Zimmermann,

You are the most beautiful creature in the world. Except for your face. And your general awkwardness as a person. Frankly, if I had to guess, I’d say that the rest of your body is pretty weird looking too. You probably have a lumpy stomach, sparse chest hair, differently-sized thighs, no more than seven toes.

That’s all by way of saying: never change. You’re perfect just the way you are. Unless, of course, you wanted to grow out your chest hair and toes and one of your thighs. That’d be fine. I guess it couldn’t hurt if you got your face replaced in a sordid Tokyo face-replacing dungeon, either.

I love you. And by “you,” I mean the results of your pitching.

Yours forever,


Game 4:

Anthony Rendon blows bubbles like he kisses women: with puckered lips and vague disinterest.

Anthony Rendon blows bubbles like he kisses women: with puckered lips and vague disinterest. (Scott Cunningham/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Braves 1

Regular blog readers might be wondering, in the aftermath of this game, if I intend on issuing an apology to Dan Haren for my comments about him a couple weeks ago. I will admit, I may have spoken in anger. I may have said that Dan Haren is “worse than the M*rlins,” which is not a very family-friendly thing to say.

To show my remorse now that Dan Haren has pitched eight innings of one run ball against the Braves, I have prepared the following statement:

I sincerely apologize if my blog post, and one turn of phrase in particular in said, caused any serious emotional harm to Dan Haren or his family or scarred any innocent children bystanders for life with its extreme vulgarity. I can only hope that those victims can empathize with me as they consider whether they would not have done the same thing, had they been confronted with a man who lost a baseball game to the Marlins. 

That’s about as contrite as I’m going to get.

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