Nationals Ring the Bell, Win at Pitt: A Pirates Series Recap

Game 1:


Jason Grilli’s hair starts spinning to prepare for takeoff. (AP Photo/Keith Srakocic)

Pirates 3, Nationals 1

“Fuck the Yankees.”

Having admitted to being, in addition to a Nationals fan, a Yankees fan, that is not a sentence I have said often. I said something like it once before when I asked my girlfriend to keep putting on different masks of Yankees players so I could live out a totally non-gay, non-weird fantasy. But don’t judge, cause you’d do it too if you got to imagine you were having sex with Bartolo Colon.

But it has recently become clear that the Yankees, obviously tired of winning the World Series (why else would they trade for Vernon Wells and sign Lyle Overbay?), have made it their sole objective to hurt the Nationals. The plan? It’s obvious. To acquire terrible talent and strategically send them off to teams where they could hurt the Nationals most. You may say I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I have proof that the government doesn’t want me to reveal because Bigfoot is real and 9/11 was an inside job.

This all ties into Friday’s game, where former Yankee and terrible pitcher A.J. Burnett shut down the Nationals. Yes, the Nationals offense has been terrible this season, but A.J. Burnett has been terrible forever. I only assumed Burnett would come out as the worse of the two because he has so much experience in the field.

The Yankees made sure that Burnett never had a good start while in New York, so that when they traded him to the NL the law of averages would even things out and have negative repercussions for the Nationals.

Don’t believe me? Well lets look at another player: Rafael Soriano. The Yankees knew that the Nationals would need an established closer to truly succeed, so they tore Mariano Rivera’s ACL. It was all planned by the Yankees front office and Jayson Nix, so that Soriano could boost his stock, opt out, and sign with the Nationals, costing them millions of dollars and millions of wins.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a brief break before I write game 2’s story so that I may take my medication. I need a good hour to swallow every pill I am required to take if I want to stay away from going back to the asylum.


Game 2:


Ian Desmond realizes he just missed a golden opportunity to be a part of a man pile. (Photo by Justin K. Aller/Getty Images)

Nationals 5, Pirates 4

Ryan Zimmerman loves getting to third base. Whether its on the field, in a bed, in the backseat of a car, in a public toilet, or in a puddle of mud because you  can’t help it and the girl is just drunk enough, Ryan gets to third anyway he can. On Saturday he got there by hitting a triple, and stealing it in a clutch late inning situation, which are the two most sexually satisfying ways to do so.

You don’t often associate Ryan Zimmerman with speed, as MLB’s new drug testing has changed the clubhouse culture. Also, he is kind of slow. But he turned on his jets when it mattered most on Saturday. I guess maybe he was just running out of Potomac since he didn’t want to be there, and thought it he slowed down one bit that they’d bring him back.

Another thing to note about Zimmerman’s steal is that it was a double steal with Adam LaRoche. This was one of only 7 times Adam got to 2nd in his life, and it’s all thanks to Ryan’s great wingmanning skills.


Game 3:


“No, Danny. Don’t go. Let me hold you. We can be together forever.” (AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar)

Nationals 6, Pirates 2

All the umpires should be fired and Bryce Harper should be crowned MVP for this year and every other year.

But in all seriousness, all the umpires should be fired and Bryce Harper should be crowned MVP AND Cy Young for this year and every other year.

I am confident that Harper did not deserve to be ejected today. I didn’t watch the TV long enough to see replays from the side which would’ve more clearly shown whether he swung or not, because I don’t like things I believe to be perfect to be tarnished with “facts” and “proof” of them not actually being perfect. That’s why whenever anybody attempts to make comments about this blog, I stick my fingers in my ears, scream loudly, and call INS to have them deported, just in case they were about to critique me.

So Bryce, if it makes you feel any better, you’re not ejected in my book. You are instead the opposite. You are loaded. Oh, wait, that doesn’t work since you’re a Mormon and don’t drink. How about… You are inserted. Ah yes, insertion is a big part of Mormon culture. That works nicely.

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