Nats Catch Tigers By Toe, Don’t Let Go When They Holler

Game 1:

Denard Span makes the mistake of looking into the fiery pools of unbridled hatred that are Adam LaRoche's eyes. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Denard Span makes the mistake of looking into the fiery pools of unbridled hatred that are Adam LaRoche’s eyes. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Tigers 1

This game marked a historic moment: the three billlionth anniversary of the day that Davey Johnson first clawed his way out of the primordial soup.

It was also less notable as being the first time that the Nationals have ever beaten the Tigers in a real live major league baseball game. It’s another relic of the Nationals’ embarrassing past shed, like when your mom finally incinerates your collection of Magic: The Gathering cards or when a really ugly person that you hooked up with once finally dies.

This is a new, more mature and discerning age of Nationals baseball. We can do things like beat the Tigers and have people like Jordan Zimmermann on our team, now, and people won’t think we’re getting too high above our station. We no longer have to be ashamed to exist. That’s the mark of a great baseball franchise.

Game 2:

Screech confuses Bashar Al-Assad and rebels alike when he raises this flag over Damascus. (Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Screech confuses Bashar Al-Assad and rebels alike when he raises this flag over Damascus. (Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Nationals 5, Tigers 4

This game was a makeup of a rainout two days earlier. Some Nationals were upset that they had to change their Thursday plans as a result. Ian Desmond was going to go for a walk on the Mall. Danny Espinosa was going to go for a swim in the Potomac and see which parts of his body got mutated. Drew Storen was going to hide in his room with a paper bag over his head. Dan Haren was going to do something mediocre.

All of these Nationals had to reschedule their plans except for Dan Haren, who pitched with the utmost mediocrity. I’m happy for Haren that he didn’t have to change plans, but I’m also unhappy for him that his plans were stupid.

Fortunately, the Nationals eeked out just enough offense to overcome Haren’s “eek”-inducing start. I hope that sentence gives you a good indication of how I behave while watching Haren pitch: namely, I sit quietly in front of the television and let out high-pitched squeals every time he allows a baserunner. No one around me enjoys Dan Haren’s starts very much, myself included.

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