The Curse of the Billy Errors: A Cubs Series Recap

Game 1:

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Despite Ryan’s protests, the ump went through with his dick punch, captured here mid-windup. (AP Photo/Nick Wass)

Nationals 7, Cubs 3

This is Ian Desmond’s world and we’re all just living in it. Which explains the amount of accidental gunshot deaths in the news recently. A lot of people are committing stupid errors.

But today there were no accidental gunshot deaths, or even worse, throwing errors for Desmond. Instead he put on a fantastic offensive performance that powered the Nationals to victory. With a home run, a double, and a single, Desmond managed 7 bases while seeing just 6 pitches. So he was a lot more patient than usual. All in all, I’m very happy with Desmond at the moment. In fact, I’m going to order an Ian Desmond jersey right now.

*UPS guy arrives*

Why does this jersey have the number 6 on the back? That’s his old number! Gah, what a stupid error. Didn’t you get the memo MLB shop? We’re not doing that for Desmond anymore!

The 2nd biggest story of the game was Bryce Harper’s toe. Fingers? I’m used to talking about those. But toes?! Since when do toes make news? What is this world coming to…

Harper had an ingrown toenail that kept him out of the lineup. Come on Bryce, really? I’ve got a toenail that’s a little sore right now because I cut it too short, but you don’t see me missing the games I’m supposed to be playing in. Because I’m terribly out of shape and am not a professional baseball player.

I hope Bryce’s toenail doesn’t signify the start of his downfall. Sometimes players are just so prone to injuries that their career ends well before it should. First an ingrown toenail, then before you know it you’ve got emphysema. I’ll be impressed if Harper’s career doesn’t end by June.

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Game 2:

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Anthony Rizzo does everything he can to avoid Darwin Barney’s attempts at romance. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Cubs 8, Nationals 2

Two pitchers. 1 combined win. 9 combined losses.

No, Saturday wasn’t a matchup between Mike Maroth and Omar Daal. It was Stephen Strasburg (1-4) vs. the returning Edwin Jackson (0-5). A battle to determine which force was stronger, terrible luck (Strasburg) or terrible pitching (Jackson). I was hoping we’d luck out and get a win. Shame our luck is terrible.

Everything was going fine for Strasburg, dominating the Cubs lineup through the first 4 innings. But then came the 5th. And in this case, the team must’ve taken a big swig from the fifth, because there’s not much more of an explanation for their performance than being horribly drunk.

The inning began with two outs, but then Ryan Zimmerman made a throwing error. Then Stras walked a batter. Then Edwin Jackson doubled. Then, wait, what? Edwin Jackson? The only full season starter last year to not homer? Ugh. Well I think we’ve learned a lesson here. We should create an elaborate dungeon beneath Nationals Park to house every single pitcher that we have no use for anymore, so that they can’t go to another team and embarrass us with a timely double. Although, I feel this idea has kind of been done before. A place where old players with no apparent use are collected? Ah, yes. The Yankees.

In the end, Edwin got his first win of the season. You might remember last year, he had great splits at home in Nationals Park and terrible ones on the road. So his slow start this year in Chicago makes sense, as does his dominance in his return to our home stadium. So, we should probably tear down our stadium so he can never beat us here again. Perfectly reasonable response.

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Game 3:

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“That is a bird.” (AP Photo/Nick Wass)

Cubs 2, Nationals 1

Mother’s Day. A day where you do things to show your mother just how much you appreciate them. Let’s look at how some of the Nationals did today, and what it suggests about how they feel about their moms.

Gio Gonzalez had a fantastic game, one of the best starts anyone had today. It is clear that he loves his mom, as he played at such a tremendous level today. I’m sure Mrs. Gonzalez is smiling ear to ear.

Denard Span had a hit. However this one was not at his mom’s face, unlike one time before. I’m sure she is ecstatic that she did not leave today’s game injured.

Drew Storen, Rafael Soriano and Kurt Suzuki ruined everything. They hate their moms. They hate all moms. The world is a terrible place.

The Nationals rolled along for 7 innings, as Gio led the team in what looked like a dominant victory to be. The offense wasn’t performing well, but Gio’s powerful showing meant that the offense could take a day off. But then, with only 86 pitches, Gio was pulled. In came Drew Storen.

Storen emerged from the bullpen much like he emerged from the womb. I’m sure that the bullpen was proud that it created such a warm, caring environment for Storen to warm up and develop. But then Drew let his mompen down by allowing a tying run, ruining Gio’s wonderful start.

The game remained tied, and in came Rafael Soriano. Soriano also let down the mompen, easily allowing two hits. But the worst offense of all was Kurt Suzuki. Now I understand why Kurt Suzuki is always smiling. Because he takes smiles away from other people. On a stolen base attempt, Suzuki made a throwing error that allowed the winning run to score for the Cubs, ruining the day for moms everywhere.

All the moms that are reading this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that your adopted sons, the ones playing for the Nationals, made your day a sad one. At least they’re not really your sons. It would’ve been a dick move to stretch out your vagina and then make a throwing error like that.

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