If You Can Dodge A Wrench, You Can’t Necessarily Dodge a Wall: Dodgers Nail Nats With Headshot, Win Series

“He seems dead to me. Where’s the nearest meat grinder?”

Game 1:

Nationals 6, Dodgers 2

Bryce Harper plays the game of baseball the right way. There are only two steps to playing baseball the right way, and he excels at both of them in a fashion that you just don’t see very often in today’s game. They are:

1: Being really good at baseball
2: Smashing your head into things so hard that you bleed

There are a lot of players who are really good at baseball, though not many with Harper’s potential for greatness. But the art of self-inflicted head trauma seems to be dying out in modern baseball. Players these days are just too concerned with preserving the integrity of their skulls, and not enough with adhering to the time-honored tradition of causing blood to pour out of their faces  by hitting them really hard with solid objects. It’s sad, really.

But Bryce Harper gets it. He knows that baseball is about more than just hitting home runs, running fast, and playing great defense. It’s also about doing things that could potentially cause severe damage to the most sensitive part of the body.

Let’s hope some of the other Nationals start following Bryce’s heroic example and mutilate their own faces as soon as possible.

Game 2:

Dodgers 2, Nationals 0

Yeah, yeah, Clayton Kershaw’s pretty good and stuff. He can make all the Nationals just look like various incarnations of Danny Espinosa with slightly different batting stances and, rarely, skin colors. What else did you expect from this game? NEXT

Game 3:

Dodgers 3, Nationals 1

Oh…Zach Grienke is also pretty good and stuff. That’s unfortunate.

This was yet another day of Danny Espinosa impersonations, leading me to believe that the Nationals all got confused and thought Halloween was actually on May 15 and they went to the costume store and the only costumes they had available were Danny Espinosa’s hitting abilities because no one else wanted that costume. It is the simplest explanation. Occam’s Razor, and all that.

I think I have a good plan for the Nationals to avoid future travesties like the final two games of this series. First, order a bunch of cardboard boxes for free online. Then kidnap all above average potential opposing pitchers, along with Danny Espinosa, and ship those boxes to P.O. Box The Bottom Of The Ocean. Everything else should take care of itself.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: