Nats Fail to Finish Chore of Sweeping, Get Beaten by Dads: A Padres Series Recap

Game 1:


A doctor (not shown) chases Span to try and finally cut off his umbilical cord. However, Denard doesn’t want to part with it after all these years, and runs away. (AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

Nationals 6, Padres 2

Stephen Strasburg dominated the Padres on Thursday night, going 8 innings and allowing just 1 earned run. With a rough start to the season, Strasburg hopefully turned things around with his tremendous performance. What changed for him? Well, San Diego is where he’s from. And apparently that means a great deal for his comfort. He was quoted as saying, “It’s easy pitching in front of a lot of loved ones.” Understandable. But I have a question Stephen.

You…don’t love us?

Stephen. Every single time you take that mound in DC, there are tens of thousands of people who love you, cheering you on. And every one of those people, including myself, thought that you cared about us in the same way we cared for you. But your comments suggest that you don’t feel that love anywhere but San Diego. I guess it’s all become clear to me now…

You don’t love us here in DC. You’ve been leading us on this whole time. You’re just in it for the pure physical thrill. You sick pig! You can go fuck yourself!

That being said… You do have a really big curveball. And you do make me feel really good. I don’t know… it seems wrong… but I just can’t give you up. We can remain fuck buddies, as long as you keep up your great, satisfying performances like this.


Game 2:


Gio does not want his nipples touched. What a prude. (Photo by Denis Poroy/Getty Images)

Nationals 6, Padres 5

This game featured a lot of ups and downs. We saw many players do very good things, while others did very bad things. Lets examine the goods and the bads.

Good: Adam LaRoche hit 2 HRs.

Bad: They were off of Burch Smith, who I had never heard of before and can only assume is a tree that doesn’t know how to spell, so they weren’t that impressive.

Good: Ryan Zimmerman hit a HR.

Bad: Ryan Zimmerman hit a HR…in the error department. By making a costly error. Well, his errors aren’t that costly. If his contract were paying him solely for the errors, he’d only cost about a dollar an error, since he makes so many.

Good: Tyler Clippard is someone I like.

Bad: Rafael Soriano is someone I don’t like. Soriano blew the save, in part thanks to Ryan’s error but also in part thanks to him being a wretched human being who exists solely to make me weep.

Good: Drew Storen…pitched a scoreless inning and got a save?

Bad: I must be on a lot of drugs because that last sentence didn’t make sense to me.

Good: Chad Tracy hit a clutch home run to give the Nationals a lead they wouldn’t give up.

Bad: I can’t think of another bad one, ruining the symmetry of this post.


Game 3:


Yonder Alonso winds up for a good spank. (AP Photo/Gregory Bull)

Padres 2, Nationals 1

Oh. We’re doing this again. Great… Welcome back to the world of Jordan Zimmermann getting no run support because everyone on the team hates him and how good he is.

I thought we had gotten over doing this since last year. If you remember, there were many starts where Zimmermann would throw an excellent game last season, but fail to be bailed out by his offense. This season, getting off to a 7-1 start, I figured that maybe we had gotten past that. But I guess Jordan must’ve done something to anger his teammates yet again, like poop in the shower or decline to change Davey’s Depends, despite it being his day on the calendar.

And oh great. Zimmerman made another error. Oh, no, it was Zimmermann. I just assume when I see “Zimmerma” in the error column I needn’t keep reading. It’s like bombings in Iraq, or threats from North Korea. It used to be traumatizing to read about, but now its an everyday event and you just kind of ignore it and move on.


Game 4:


A failed experiment resulted Dan Haren’s head being surgically attached to Steve McCatty’s back. (AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

Padres 13, Nationals 4

[To the tune of Danny’s Song, by Kenny Loggins]

Peopled smiled and told me we’re a lucky case.
Won the Haren chase. Thought we’d have another ace.
He would be like Stras and Zim, good with his glove.
But now he’s sort of… Someone I wanna get rid of.

Even though he took our money,
His starts, they ain’t that sunny.
And every game, he makes me fall more out of love.
Cause in the 1st when he takes the mound,
He causes me to make sad sounds.
Please tell me everything is gonna be alright.

Seems as though two months ago I liked the guy.
Thought he was a good buy. But now I heave a sigh.
And now I frown on my face, for this guy who loses games.
What an awful shame. Is Rizzo to blame?

Even though he took our money,
His starts, they ain’t that sunny.
And every game, he makes me fall more out of love.
Cause in the 1st when he takes the mound,
He causes me to make sad sounds.
Please tell me everything is gonna be alright.

To sum up, Haren did bad and we lost.

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