Current Nationals in Playgirl

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Hot.

Above you see (or don’t see if you cover your eyes like any reasonable person would do) Steve McCatty, mostly naked. Earlier today, Baseball Prospectus published an article detailing a 1980s Playgirl featuring Major League Baseball players and their sexy scouting reports.

Well believe it or not, magazines are still around. Including Playgirl. And I just so happened to be looking through one for more Steve McCatty pictures when I found something interesting… It turns out that a lot of the current Nationals players also posed in Playgirl, just recently. Below I’ve included some of the photos, and some of their scouting reports.

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Bryce Harper, POS: OF

CATEGORY: RATING (PRES, FUTR)

Abs (5, 7)
Buttocks (7, 8)
Thigh Meat (5, 6)
Clowns (2, 5)
Bloody Necks (8, 8)

Strengths: Bryce is great at crashing into fences, if you know what I mean ladies ;). He’s a bad boy who doesn’t care if an ump calls it a strike or not. Is he one of the sexiest ballplayers today? That’s a clown question, bro.

Weaknesses: Strange mole on bottom of foot. Two hairs too many.

Turn-Ons: Putting a ball into play, emus.

Turn-Offs: Ladies who haven’t taken off their clothes yet, ogres.

Recommendation: He has a lot of potential, to excel in this league and get under your bra. Don’t eat pudding around him cause he really likes pudding and will probably steal it from you.

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Stephen Strasburg, POS: SP

CATEGORY: RATING (PRES, FUTR)

Chest (6, 6)
Right Arm (10, 0)
Left Arm (3, 2)
Ears: Yes, Probably

Strengths: Stephen has some of the best “stuff” you’ve ever seen. He brings the heat and the movement, and he’s not afraid to change pace every once in a while to slow things down. Ask him to try out his “sinker” on you.

Weaknesses: You can’t really touch him, otherwise he might break and then everyone in the District of Columbia would try to murder you. Also, there’s a chance that Mike Rizzo will interrupt during foreplay and drag him home.

Turn-ons: Nurses, scalpels, car commercials.

Turn-offs: Pitch counters, women wearing Davey Johnson masks, Davey Johnson wearing women’s masks.

Recommendation: Sadly, Strasburg is far too valuable to allow anyone to have him. Would make an excellent sex museum exhibit one day.

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Denard Span, POS: CF

CATEGORY: RATING (PRES, FUTR)

Abs (7, 7)
Buttocks (5, 8)
Thigh Meat (4, 6)
Conspiracy Theories Believed (8, 8)

Strengths: Denard will track down that ball no matter where you put it; he’s obedient like a dog. He also has a little chest hair that makes him more canine-like.

Weaknesses: He also poops with reckless abandon, like an untrained dog. So that’s not good.

Turn-Ons: Excuses for tragedies.

Turn-Offs: Cereal, men who drive.

Recommendation: In the span of just 2 minutes, Denard will make you feel more satisfied than ever before. Because he has a large morphine supply in his basement that he likes to  inject into people unknowingly.

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Kurt Suzuki, POS: Catcher 😉

CATEGORY: RATING (PRES, FUTR)

Abs (4, 6)
Buttocks (5, 5)
Thigh Meat (7, 8)
Smiles (8, 8)

Strengths: Kurt has no problem getting down on his knees. He’s willing to crouch in dirt for three hours. Sexually.

Weaknesses: He is a catcher, and given the Nationals’ Curse of the Catcher, he probably has every STD.

Turn-Ons: People with compatible signs (his is 1 for fastball, 2 for curveball).

Turn-Offs: Also ogres. This team does not like ogres.

Recommendation: He’s happy to put his fingers down, just make sure you agree with whatever he calls. Trust me. He knows how to use them.

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Jordan Zimmermann, POS: SP

CATEGORY: RATING (PRES, FUTR)

Cheeks – Face (7.5, 5)

Cheeks – Ass (9.5, 10)

Rectum (Slimy, Perforated)

Strengths: Jordan has no problems going the distance. He’ll keep pitching to you long into the night, as long as you don’t pull him too quickly.

Weaknesses: Jordan is actually quite ugly.

Turn-ons: Vaginas, rosin bags.

Turn-offs: The Nationals’ offense, mirrors.

Recommendation: Jordan gets high marks for performance, but we’d suggest stuffing his entire body in a paper bag or gouging out your own eyes before proceeding.

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So there you go. Enjoy, masturbate, whatever you want to do with these pictures, go ahead and do it.

Oh, and don’t forget the sexiest Nationals photoshoot of all time: Davey Johnson’s appearance in last year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

davey-johnson-boobs

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One thought on “Current Nationals in Playgirl

  1. […] to the Nationals this March. Do not confuse the Rule 5 draft with the Rule 34 draft, which based on recent events we know Steve McCatty was a part […]

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