Current Nationals in Playgirl



Above you see (or don’t see if you cover your eyes like any reasonable person would do) Steve McCatty, mostly naked. Earlier today, Baseball Prospectus published an article detailing a 1980s Playgirl featuring Major League Baseball players and their sexy scouting reports.

Well believe it or not, magazines are still around. Including Playgirl. And I just so happened to be looking through one for more Steve McCatty pictures when I found something interesting… It turns out that a lot of the current Nationals players also posed in Playgirl, just recently. Below I’ve included some of the photos, and some of their scouting reports.


Bryce Harper, POS: OF


Abs (5, 7)
Buttocks (7, 8)
Thigh Meat (5, 6)
Clowns (2, 5)
Bloody Necks (8, 8)

Strengths: Bryce is great at crashing into fences, if you know what I mean ladies ;). He’s a bad boy who doesn’t care if an ump calls it a strike or not. Is he one of the sexiest ballplayers today? That’s a clown question, bro.

Weaknesses: Strange mole on bottom of foot. Two hairs too many.

Turn-Ons: Putting a ball into play, emus.

Turn-Offs: Ladies who haven’t taken off their clothes yet, ogres.

Recommendation: He has a lot of potential, to excel in this league and get under your bra. Don’t eat pudding around him cause he really likes pudding and will probably steal it from you.


Stephen Strasburg, POS: SP


Chest (6, 6)
Right Arm (10, 0)
Left Arm (3, 2)
Ears: Yes, Probably

Strengths: Stephen has some of the best “stuff” you’ve ever seen. He brings the heat and the movement, and he’s not afraid to change pace every once in a while to slow things down. Ask him to try out his “sinker” on you.

Weaknesses: You can’t really touch him, otherwise he might break and then everyone in the District of Columbia would try to murder you. Also, there’s a chance that Mike Rizzo will interrupt during foreplay and drag him home.

Turn-ons: Nurses, scalpels, car commercials.

Turn-offs: Pitch counters, women wearing Davey Johnson masks, Davey Johnson wearing women’s masks.

Recommendation: Sadly, Strasburg is far too valuable to allow anyone to have him. Would make an excellent sex museum exhibit one day.


Denard Span, POS: CF


Abs (7, 7)
Buttocks (5, 8)
Thigh Meat (4, 6)
Conspiracy Theories Believed (8, 8)

Strengths: Denard will track down that ball no matter where you put it; he’s obedient like a dog. He also has a little chest hair that makes him more canine-like.

Weaknesses: He also poops with reckless abandon, like an untrained dog. So that’s not good.

Turn-Ons: Excuses for tragedies.

Turn-Offs: Cereal, men who drive.

Recommendation: In the span of just 2 minutes, Denard will make you feel more satisfied than ever before. Because he has a large morphine supply in his basement that he likes to  inject into people unknowingly.


Kurt Suzuki, POS: Catcher 😉


Abs (4, 6)
Buttocks (5, 5)
Thigh Meat (7, 8)
Smiles (8, 8)

Strengths: Kurt has no problem getting down on his knees. He’s willing to crouch in dirt for three hours. Sexually.

Weaknesses: He is a catcher, and given the Nationals’ Curse of the Catcher, he probably has every STD.

Turn-Ons: People with compatible signs (his is 1 for fastball, 2 for curveball).

Turn-Offs: Also ogres. This team does not like ogres.

Recommendation: He’s happy to put his fingers down, just make sure you agree with whatever he calls. Trust me. He knows how to use them.


Jordan Zimmermann, POS: SP


Cheeks – Face (7.5, 5)

Cheeks – Ass (9.5, 10)

Rectum (Slimy, Perforated)

Strengths: Jordan has no problems going the distance. He’ll keep pitching to you long into the night, as long as you don’t pull him too quickly.

Weaknesses: Jordan is actually quite ugly.

Turn-ons: Vaginas, rosin bags.

Turn-offs: The Nationals’ offense, mirrors.

Recommendation: Jordan gets high marks for performance, but we’d suggest stuffing his entire body in a paper bag or gouging out your own eyes before proceeding.


So there you go. Enjoy, masturbate, whatever you want to do with these pictures, go ahead and do it.

Oh, and don’t forget the sexiest Nationals photoshoot of all time: Davey Johnson’s appearance in last year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.


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One thought on “Current Nationals in Playgirl

  1. […] to the Nationals this March. Do not confuse the Rule 5 draft with the Rule 34 draft, which based on recent events we know Steve McCatty was a part […]

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