A Giant Shit (Named Rafael Soriano)

Bryce Harper celebrates scoring the go-ahead run in the 10th inning of game three by singing every aria from Mozart's "Don Giovanni" in succession. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

Bryce Harper celebrates scoring the go-ahead run in the 10th inning of game three by singing every aria from Mozart’s “Don Giovanni” in succession. (AP Photo/Ben Margot)

Game 1:

Giants 8, Nationals 0

Oh, Zach Duke. I’m not mad. I’m just…disappointed. We dedicated a whole week to you this offseason. We did our best to make you feel welcomed and loved in the Nationals family. We took you in off the streets, despite your filthy, mangy hair and rabid foaming mouth. We bathed you, fed you, clothed you, neutered you. We gave you everything we had to give.

And this…this is how you repay us? 4 ER in 3 IP?  How could you be so ungrateful? I will not strike you, Zach Duke. I will not even raise my voice.

But I never want to see you again, Zach Duke. Begone from this place, and do not return. 

Game 2:

Giants 4, Nationals 2

So, Rafael Soriano blew the save and blamed it on an innocent child. This was not a surprise, because Rafael Soriano is a despicable excuse for a human being whose performance on the field tends to reflect the blackness of his soul. But this seems like a good opportunity to remind everyone that you should have heeded our early warning. We will be accepting apologies from anyone who thought signing Soriano was a good idea in the forms of boot-licking, hand-kissing, and (preferably) large sums of money. Thank you.

Soriano only allowed the tying run, of course, not the game-winning home run hit by some bamboo-slurping lump. That unfortunate attempt at a pitch was thrown by Yunesky Maya, who was last scene on this blog as part of a grand scheme by the Nationals to conquer Central and South America. As far as I can tell, that plan has not succeeded; the unimportant parts of the American continents still seem to be controlled by “independent governments.” Poor showing, Yunesky.

Clearly, the Nats’ backup plan for Maya should he fail in his conquests was a long-relief pitcher. With an ERA sitting at 54.00, Maya has now indisputably failed again. The Nats’ only recourse, it seems, is the traditional Mayan punishment for losers.

Game 3:

Nationals 2, Giants 1

This game was the cherry on top of the shit-cream sundae of this series. If you pulled it off by itself and washed away the shit underneath from your memory and ate it, this game was actually pretty good. Heroic performances from Gio Gonzalez and Bryce Harper abounded, marred only by another of Drew Storen’s incessant attempts to remind us of the worst day of our lives.

Better still, this win put the Nationals at one game over .500, a record that is better than anyone could have expected us to have on May 24. Assuming that everyone else went back and revised their pre-season predictions to account for the fact that this team is actually mediocre and depressing like I did.

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