Nationals Win 2 out of 3 Decisions vs. Philadelphia’s Rocky Team: A Phillies Series Recap

Game 1:

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Ben Revere, breaking his spine. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Nationals 5, Phillies 2

Davey Johnson vowed to not shave his facial hair until the Nationals bats started hitting. I’m uncertain if this is some luck-based initiative, or if his kids stopped paying the night nurse and just left him on his own. Either way, I’m torn. For one, I like the Nationals hitting. But on the other hand, I like the idea of having a guy who looks like a germ-fearing Mr. Burns managing our team.

Many teams have turned to crafty veterans throughout the years to help lead their team to victory. But what about insane veterans? I think Davey should keep taking this superstition stuff further and further until the Nationals bats perform at a consistently high level. Some ideas…

1. Much like in the movie Major League, remove a piece of clothing every time the team gets a win. Although since he is not a hot lady, this may not work as well.

2. Not brush his teeth until they start hitting. More players will want to get on base and stay there to get away from Davey.

3. Play the guilt card. Before every player goes to the on deck circle, tell them, “You know, I’m an old man. I might not have much more time on this earth. And there’s just one thing left that I want to see before I move on. A home run…” This should work, unless our players are heartless bastards.

But start with the beard. Move on to these more extreme tactics if it doesn’t work.

Now while the Nationals won on Friday, it wasn’t enough for Davey to shave. They put together a solid win, but we shouldn’t kid ourselves, it was because Jordan Zimmermann was pitching. To credit the offense here would be a mistake. Sure they helped him , but they didn’t contribute a great deal directly to Zimm’s masterpiece. That would be like saying, “Oh, yeah, Picasso was good and all, but he would’ve never made those paintings if he didn’t have air to breathe around him.” Plus, the offense is a lot worse than air, since the stress they cause will certainly shorten my life.

———-

Game 2:

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Kurt Suzuki, breaking his spine. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Phillies 5, Nationals 3

When the Nationals inevitably send down Abad, the team should keep all of Fernando’s jerseys to give to Drew Storen. Because Drew is, simply put, “a bad.”

The Nationals need to start praying to Indra, the rain god of the Hindu religion. If they can somehow work out a deal with him to show up just after a game becomes official, this team might actually in good shape. Either that, or we somehow figure out how to reanimate the dead, and bring back pitchers from the dead ball era who can pitch complete games three times a week. Anything to avoid getting deep into our bullpen. If this team gets one, even two balls deep into our pen, we’ve probably already given up a few runs, and probably gotten a few STDs.

So many of our losses have been the fault of The SS. Not the Nazi group, no. Rather The Soriano-Storen duo. It’s hard to say which SS was worse, but I guess it’s probably the one that committed so many crimes against humanity. I mean the amount of runs that have scored off these two this season has been shocking. It’s hard to imagine humans being capable of doing such terrible things, but Soriano and Storen continue to shock me.

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Game 3:

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Kevin Frandsen, breaking his spine. Or napping. I can never tell if a sleeping person is lying there because they’re asleep or if its cause they were severely physically incapacitated. It’s led to some awkward 911 dispatches. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Nationals 6, Phillies 1

Since wins and losses are a great way to measure the skill of a pitcher, I was expecting a terrible game on Sunday. Let’s not even use their names. They probably suck too much to deserve it. Lets call them 1-7 and 2-5 instead. And wouldn’t you know it, 2-5…pitched…well? What? You’ve gotta be joking. I mean pitchers with more losses than wins suck. How could 2-5 go 8 innings, allows 1 run, strike out 9, and walk none, ending up as 3-5? This just doesn’t make sense to me. Fuck you, Billy Beane.

I’d like to thank Murray Chass for writing the introduction to this game’s summary.

Sunday’s game was a fantastic one for Strasburg, despite an unsightly balk. But even the prettiest of us have blemishes that we try to hide. Just ask George Clooney about his third nipple. Or his fourth nipple. Or his fifth nipple. I could keep on with this up to 65. He has so many unsightly nipples.

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