Monthly Archives: June 2013

I’ve Seen Things, I’ve Seen Them With My Eyes, Like Nationals Winning Games

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This is the shirt they gave away, featuring Mr. Met and, uh, I’m not good with faces… Kinda looks like Derek Bell?

Nationals 6, Mets 4

I finally got to attend a Nationals-Mets game that the Nationals won. How weird is it that I had to use the word finally? That’s like going to the mall and then leaving and saying, “I finally got to go to the mall without being attacked by a giraffe.” It’s not something you would’ve expected to happen multiple times before, much like the Mets beating the Nats, but somehow it did.

For a while though, it looked like the Nationals would greatly disappoint me again. Through 7 innings, Ian Desmond was the only one who had done anything good. If the rest of our team was made up of quadruple amputees, this would be acceptable. But since the team is not all quadruple amputees, Desmond being to only one to succeed is frustrating. Thankfully the Mets “Metsed,” and had a terrific collapse that allowed the Nats to come out on top.

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An Apology for Not Really Posting Anything in a While

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I just wanted to give you all an update that this blog still exists and that our lack of posting over the past few days has been a mix of vacationing, falling asleep at 9:30pm after working, and being occupied with trying to seek asylum in Ecuador. We gave away some secrets that people are upset about us saying. Who knew Davey Johnson being old was a national secret? I thought everyone knew!

So stay with us, because we’ll be posting an in-person update for Friday night’s Mets game, and generally trying to be our consistent selves in the future.

1 Out Of 3 Is Bad, and Meatloaf Failed to Explain How Big That Dropoff Is: An Indians Series Recap

Game 1:

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Denard Span and Mike Aviles get aroused at an inappropriate time. (Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images)

Indians 2, Nationals 1

2 hits is not enough to achieve success in Cleveland. Every Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee has way more than that. Although if it’s standards shrink like the MLB HOF, and they start allowing in one-hit wonders down the line, then maybe the Nationals offense will get the call.

Now to be fair, baseball players do not like going to Cleveland. Just look at what Ichiro Suzuki said in 2007:

“To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying.”

But just because you’re depressed about something does not mean you should stop hitting! If anything, adding that toaster to your bathtub should electrify your bat.

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Two Ross Make a Right: A Rockies Series Recap

Game 1:

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The crowd applauds Jayson Werth for finally looking up. I find it amazing he never looked up before this game. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

Rockies 8, Nationals 3

Every day when I go to work I experience a bit of midday exhaustion. Sitting in front of a computer can be pretty draining, so after about 5 hours my eyes feel heavy and I begin to crash. That being said, when I start getting tired, I do not break every computer in the office and burn it to the ground.

Dan Haren has a different approach of how to react to a midday crash at work. An approach that is arguably worse than burning an office building to the ground resulting in the death of dozens of employees: ALLOWING TWO HOME RUNS AND SUCKING IN GENERAL.

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Ross Ohlendorf To Start Wednesday, Karns Sent Down

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Have you always had an irrational fear that somebody is watching you? It’s not irrational.

The Karnival has left town. No more ball throwing games, no more roller coaster experiences, no more putting Davey Johnson in the dunk tank. How will we ever have fun again…

This is how: WITH ROSS FUCKING OHLENDORF. Assuming you like agricultural internships and ivy league educations. If you don’t find those fun, well, you might not have so much fun.

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Nats Trade Henry Rodriguez to Cubs for Ian Dickson

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Unfortunately Ian’s contract stipulated that he’s not allowed to keep the hat.

Drug addicts and fans of Top Gear within the Nationals fan base are devastated, as the team has traded away their resident expert on speed. Henry Rodriguez’s time in DC is no more. The hard throwing right hander has thrown his last 100 mph fastball for the Washington franchise. Although considering how far outside of the strikezone it was, it was more against the Washington franchise.

There was a time last season when H-Rod was closing games, but there was also a time last season when Brad Lidge was closing games. I think it’s safe to say that if you closed a game for the Nationals last season, your time with this team will come to an end. Sorry to be honest, Tyler and Drew. I just hope that if you ever leave, you’re traded to a state that’s accepting of your relationship.

As for Ian Dickson, well, I don’t know much about him. But I have a feeling he’ll help fill the void that Wang’s departure created.

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I. Love. When This Team Wins. Performances by Zimm. And Twins: A Twins Series Recap

Game 1:

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“Stephen, this is a baseball.”
“Yeah…I know. Why do you keep following me around?”
(Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Twins 4, Nationals 3

It had been over 40 years since the Minnesota franchise played in their once hometown of Washington. It was 1971, when they lost to the Senators 5-2. Warren  Magnuson had an RBI double, and Karl Mundt went 6 shutout innings.

But those Senators are long dead, as is the thought of a Washington baseball team winning a game. However I suppose the Nats had a chance, as this Twins team’s chances for success aren’t looking very attractive this season. They’re so unattractive in fact, that they don’t inspire any sort of sexual fantasy involving these Twins. Maybe it’s the fact that instead of two attractive women its 25 men, and that’s what’s making me feel that way.

But then again, I got off countless times to the thought of the ’94 Expos, who, to my knowledge, were 25 men as well. Although I wouldn’t be surprised to find out Larry Walker is just a very butch woman.

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Chris Marrero Sticking Around, Tyler Moore Demoted to AAA

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It looks like Nene has bleached his skin and cut his hair.

After a series of moves this weekend, the Nationals have called up and decided to stick with Chris Marrero, while also deciding to send Tyler Moore down to AAA.

It’s an abrupt cancellation for the once merry Tyler Moore Show, which had become very un-merry with a terrible performance this season. It had reached its peak with a well written RBI hit in the NLDS last season, but this season had just been full of disappointment. I don’t know what changed, whether it was a new writing staff or what. But he’s jumped the Shark, who is also experiencing a lousily written season.

Chris Marrero is the closest thing anyone has to Eli Marrero and that’s good enough for a roster spot. Nepotism is a powerful force in the game of baseball. So powerful that somehow that local kid Jack is on my son’s little league team just because his dad is the manager, DESPITE only 2 hits all season. What a useless 6 year old.

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Day 2 of the 2013 MLB Draft

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This logo was originally made to alert people as to if a room was drafty or not. It came in handy for this event.

Last year, I did my best to provide analysis for the Nationals draft picks. However, as the rounds went on and on, I knew less and less about the players and really couldn’t give you much information. This year, with my lack of amateur baseball knowledge, I decided to give each player something I know a lot about. Nicknames based on terrible puns. So let’s take a look at the Nationals picks from rounds 3-10, and give them their very first MLB nickname…

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Nats Select Jake Johansen in Draft

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Johansen tenses up, worried that his friends are all criticizing his butt.

The Nationals have selected Jake Johansen with their first selection in the draft, at 68th overall. If this is what being a good team involves, waiting nearly 5 hours to make your pick, then I’ll go back to sucking, thank you very much.

Johansen has a fastball that can reach the high 90s, and projects as a possible power arm in the pen. I can’t remember the last time a righty in the pen who throws 99mph did something to hurt us, so this is a great pick. Of course, I have amnesia, and can’t remember what happened earlier this week.

We have to be careful not to confuse Jake Johansen with Jake Johannsen, a comedian. If they turn out similar, it could be bad. Johannsen had a standup special called This’ll Take About an Hour. If Johansen starts having innings like that, I will not be laughing. Of course I have a very high standard for humor, so I probably wouldn’t be laughing at Johannsen either. If its not Carrot Top, it ain’t worth my time.

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