Nats Finish Series 1 Game Under .500, Delight Fans Who Still Think It’s 2007: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:


Stephen knew what time it was. It was time for Steve. (Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Braves 2

A win over the Braves. Nothing bad about this game. Everything is all good.

I’m sorry, I must be delusional from all the blood loss I’ve experienced from cutting my wrists open after Strasburg left the game early. Well no worries. This magical unicorn doctor will fix that. Won’t you, Dr. Trinket? No? You’re actually my kitchen table? Ok then, I’ll try to compose myself.

Now my gut reaction to this injury was bad. Since I also tried to commit seppuku out of depression, and my guts spilled everywhere. But since the injury has happened, we’ve learned some things. Strasburg won’t go on the DL yet, and it’s turned out to be a grade one lat strain, which is somewhat good news. Grade one is better than other grades in terms of severity, and also you’re still young enough that your teacher might bring in juice boxes from everyone. Hopefully Stras can recover so we can turn this team back into the middling .500 club that it deserves to be.

With Strasburg’s injury, Craig Stammen took over and dominated. Anyone who lamented losing Chien-Ming this year could rest easy, after it was proven that Craig’s Stammen is more (re)productive than Chien’s Wang. Craig fired 4 perfect innings, which means we might have to change the Merriam Webster’s entry for “Nationals Bullpen” to something aside from, “a loathsome group of men who love runs.” The team succeeded with altering definitions before when they changed the dictionary entry for Livan Hernandez from “large man” to “largest man.”

Overall, even with the injury, this game was a good one. There’s nothing else quite like a win vs. the Braves…


Game 2:


How odd that Davey would have an old man gray beard while wearing the jersey from his rookie year. (Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images)

Braves 2, Nationals 1

No seriously, there is nothing else that even closely resembles a win vs. the Braves. At least for the rest of this post. From now on it gets miserable.

For a lot of this season, people have been complaining that some of the Nationals don’t get enough walks. And I agree, walks are a very important part of winning. So Davey, I trust you’ll put in players who can contribute walks? Great.

Wait, why did you choose him? Why did you choose Henry Rodriguez to pitch in a 10th inning tie on the road? No, I know he gets walks, but those aren’t the type of walks that help! He doesn’t take walks, he gives them! I bet if Henry Rodriguez were a spine doctor, every paralyzed person in this world would be walking again. Please don’t let him-

Oh, he walked a batter. Oh, and even better, that batter stole. Oh, and even better, that batter scored. Oh, and even better, we lost. Oh, and even better, my uncle can walk again thanks to Henry. That last one actually is kinda good, but I’d rather the victory.



Game 3:


Mired in a slump, these games of peek-a-boo are the only thing B.J. Upton enjoys. (John Amis/AP Photo)

Braves 6, Nationals 3

This game put the Nationals below .500. We are below average. To honor this, I wrote a below average post:

This team smells. God bless.

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2 thoughts on “Nats Finish Series 1 Game Under .500, Delight Fans Who Still Think It’s 2007: A Braves Series Recap

  1. MaryAnn says:

    Well, one good thing from the series were the totally awesome unis from Saturday night.

    Hey, I’m trying here…..Go Nats!

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