1 Out Of 3 Is Bad, and Meatloaf Failed to Explain How Big That Dropoff Is: An Indians Series Recap

Game 1:


Denard Span and Mike Aviles get aroused at an inappropriate time. (Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images)

Indians 2, Nationals 1

2 hits is not enough to achieve success in Cleveland. Every Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee has way more than that. Although if it’s standards shrink like the MLB HOF, and they start allowing in one-hit wonders down the line, then maybe the Nationals offense will get the call.

Now to be fair, baseball players do not like going to Cleveland. Just look at what Ichiro Suzuki said in 2007:

“To tell the truth, I’m not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I’m excited going to Cleveland, I’d punch myself in the face, because I’m lying.”

But just because you’re depressed about something does not mean you should stop hitting! If anything, adding that toaster to your bathtub should electrify your bat.

But the Nationals let misery get the best of them. Which could’ve been good if Kathy Bates showed up. She really know hows to swing a hammer with some power. But she didn’t show, nor did the Nationals offense.

The one good thing that came out of this game was that I can finally use Abad’s last name to describe his performance! He did Abad job!

…Boy that wasn’t as fulfilling as I had hoped it would be. I guess wins are better than puns. I really should start evaluating players by WAR instead PAR.


Game 2:


Vinnie Pestano waves goodbye after being sentenced to death for giving up the go-ahead home run. (Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images)

Nationals 7, Indians 6

June 15th, 2013 will go down as this year’s Opposite Day. So many things happened in this game that don’t normally happen. Jordan Zimmermann was horrible, the Nationals offense hit 5 home runs, and the Nationals won. All things that rarely happen, and frankly things I think that we will probably never see again.

Let’s begin with Jordan, who upped his ERA from 2.00 to 2.44 in this appearance. I haven’t seen a player whose last name begins with “Zimmerman” cost the team so many runs since I saw that guy at third base try to make a throw to first.

Should we freak out because of Jordan’s subpar start? I don’t think so, I think he was just trying to prove to the league that he was human, so other teams don’t come after us for our cyborg technology that we used to develop him.

Screen Shot 2013-06-16 at 5.38.40 PM

Our little secret.

But the positive story of the day was the Nationals offense. Zimmerman, Werth, Tracy and Desmond all hit big home runs. But there was none bigger than Anthony Rendon’s home run. Which was actually the shortest of the 5. But sometimes you can make the biggest impact with the littlest thing. Please help me convince my wife of that.

Rendon hit a go ahead home run in the top of the 9th, after getting a 2nd chance from a dropped foul pop. I appreciate the Indians defense giving him this opportunity, he couldn’t have done it without them. He’d like to thank Nick Swisher, for not being a natural first baseman. And Ryan Raburn, for being confused. And his parents and coaches, for always believing in him. And the Academy, for, uh, well they didn’t do much. But the rest of them did.


Game 3:



Indians 2, Nationals 0

I’ve written this story so many times that I’m running out of ways to be clever about how awful the Nationals offense is. Do any of these land?

  • They suck so much that they are a vacuum.
  • They’re so bad that they’re milk past their expiration date.
  • They’re so miserable that they’re me, watching a Nationals game.

It’s tough to write the same old stuff day after day after day after day that isn’t a joke about how old Davey Johnson is or how ugly Tom Gorzelanny was. Speaking of which, Davey Johnson is old.

Another topic that I’ve written about a lot, although I still enjoy it, is how good Stephen Strasburg is. Stras came back from injury and did his best Andrew Jackson impersonation. Sadly, unlike Jackson, Strasburg did not have the support of a very racist United States, and couldn’t help achieve a successful end result.

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