Author Archives: The Giology Professor

Two Ross Make a Right: A Rockies Series Recap

Game 1:

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The crowd applauds Jayson Werth for finally looking up. I find it amazing he never looked up before this game. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

Rockies 8, Nationals 3

Every day when I go to work I experience a bit of midday exhaustion. Sitting in front of a computer can be pretty draining, so after about 5 hours my eyes feel heavy and I begin to crash. That being said, when I start getting tired, I do not break every computer in the office and burn it to the ground.

Dan Haren has a different approach of how to react to a midday crash at work. An approach that is arguably worse than burning an office building to the ground resulting in the death of dozens of employees: ALLOWING TWO HOME RUNS AND SUCKING IN GENERAL.

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Ross Ohlendorf To Start Wednesday, Karns Sent Down

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Have you always had an irrational fear that somebody is watching you? It’s not irrational.

The Karnival has left town. No more ball throwing games, no more roller coaster experiences, no more putting Davey Johnson in the dunk tank. How will we ever have fun again…

This is how: WITH ROSS FUCKING OHLENDORF. Assuming you like agricultural internships and ivy league educations. If you don’t find those fun, well, you might not have so much fun.

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Nats Trade Henry Rodriguez to Cubs for Ian Dickson

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Unfortunately Ian’s contract stipulated that he’s not allowed to keep the hat.

Drug addicts and fans of Top Gear within the Nationals fan base are devastated, as the team has traded away their resident expert on speed. Henry Rodriguez’s time in DC is no more. The hard throwing right hander has thrown his last 100 mph fastball for the Washington franchise. Although considering how far outside of the strikezone it was, it was more against the Washington franchise.

There was a time last season when H-Rod was closing games, but there was also a time last season when Brad Lidge was closing games. I think it’s safe to say that if you closed a game for the Nationals last season, your time with this team will come to an end. Sorry to be honest, Tyler and Drew. I just hope that if you ever leave, you’re traded to a state that’s accepting of your relationship.

As for Ian Dickson, well, I don’t know much about him. But I have a feeling he’ll help fill the void that Wang’s departure created.

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I. Love. When This Team Wins. Performances by Zimm. And Twins: A Twins Series Recap

Game 1:

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“Stephen, this is a baseball.”
“Yeah…I know. Why do you keep following me around?”
(Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Twins 4, Nationals 3

It had been over 40 years since the Minnesota franchise played in their once hometown of Washington. It was 1971, when they lost to the Senators 5-2. Warren  Magnuson had an RBI double, and Karl Mundt went 6 shutout innings.

But those Senators are long dead, as is the thought of a Washington baseball team winning a game. However I suppose the Nats had a chance, as this Twins team’s chances for success aren’t looking very attractive this season. They’re so unattractive in fact, that they don’t inspire any sort of sexual fantasy involving these Twins. Maybe it’s the fact that instead of two attractive women its 25 men, and that’s what’s making me feel that way.

But then again, I got off countless times to the thought of the ’94 Expos, who, to my knowledge, were 25 men as well. Although I wouldn’t be surprised to find out Larry Walker is just a very butch woman.

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Chris Marrero Sticking Around, Tyler Moore Demoted to AAA

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It looks like Nene has bleached his skin and cut his hair.

After a series of moves this weekend, the Nationals have called up and decided to stick with Chris Marrero, while also deciding to send Tyler Moore down to AAA.

It’s an abrupt cancellation for the once merry Tyler Moore Show, which had become very un-merry with a terrible performance this season. It had reached its peak with a well written RBI hit in the NLDS last season, but this season had just been full of disappointment. I don’t know what changed, whether it was a new writing staff or what. But he’s jumped the Shark, who is also experiencing a lousily written season.

Chris Marrero is the closest thing anyone has to Eli Marrero and that’s good enough for a roster spot. Nepotism is a powerful force in the game of baseball. So powerful that somehow that local kid Jack is on my son’s little league team just because his dad is the manager, DESPITE only 2 hits all season. What a useless 6 year old.

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Day 2 of the 2013 MLB Draft

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This logo was originally made to alert people as to if a room was drafty or not. It came in handy for this event.

Last year, I did my best to provide analysis for the Nationals draft picks. However, as the rounds went on and on, I knew less and less about the players and really couldn’t give you much information. This year, with my lack of amateur baseball knowledge, I decided to give each player something I know a lot about. Nicknames based on terrible puns. So let’s take a look at the Nationals picks from rounds 3-10, and give them their very first MLB nickname…

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Nats Select Jake Johansen in Draft

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Johansen tenses up, worried that his friends are all criticizing his butt.

The Nationals have selected Jake Johansen with their first selection in the draft, at 68th overall. If this is what being a good team involves, waiting nearly 5 hours to make your pick, then I’ll go back to sucking, thank you very much.

Johansen has a fastball that can reach the high 90s, and projects as a possible power arm in the pen. I can’t remember the last time a righty in the pen who throws 99mph did something to hurt us, so this is a great pick. Of course, I have amnesia, and can’t remember what happened earlier this week.

We have to be careful not to confuse Jake Johansen with Jake Johannsen, a comedian. If they turn out similar, it could be bad. Johannsen had a standup special called This’ll Take About an Hour. If Johansen starts having innings like that, I will not be laughing. Of course I have a very high standard for humor, so I probably wouldn’t be laughing at Johannsen either. If its not Carrot Top, it ain’t worth my time.

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WERTH. HERE. ESPINOSA. GONE. RENDON. HERE. RODRIGUEZ. GONE. KROL. HERE. DUKE. GONE. OH. SHIT.

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My mind.

Where to begin… Well, I was born in New York City, and grew up in…

Oh, right. I meant, where to begin about these transactions.

Well, Jayson Werth is back from injury, Anthony Rendon is back after a few starts at AAA at 2B, and Ian Krol is here. I guess Krol Show got canceled or something and he needed a new job.

But some surprising corresponding moves happened, that were also well deserved.

Henry Rodriguez was designated for assignment. The team offered to get him a limo to the airport, but they decided to not spend the money since they know how much he likes walking.

Zach Duke is gone as well. Poor Zach Duke. We dedicated a week to you, and now this. Well hopefully you find happiness elsewhere, although I’ve been to Harrisburg and aside from the diner, not much made me smile.

Lastly, and most surprisingly, Danny Espinosa seems to have vanished. We know he couldn’t have gone far, since he doesn’t know how to walk. We’re all still waiting to hear what exactly happened, but it’s hard to believe that our double play combo is Despinosa could be over. What now? Desbardozzi? Desdon? Yeah, sure, those will be more productive. But if a baseball player doesn’t have a good nickname, is he really even that good? That’s why Rich Garces is the 10-time defending Cy Young and Strasburg isn’t.

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Nats Finish Series 1 Game Under .500, Delight Fans Who Still Think It’s 2007: A Braves Series Recap

Game 1:

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Stephen knew what time it was. It was time for Steve. (Photo by Scott Cunningham/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Braves 2

A win over the Braves. Nothing bad about this game. Everything is all good.

I’m sorry, I must be delusional from all the blood loss I’ve experienced from cutting my wrists open after Strasburg left the game early. Well no worries. This magical unicorn doctor will fix that. Won’t you, Dr. Trinket? No? You’re actually my kitchen table? Ok then, I’ll try to compose myself.

Now my gut reaction to this injury was bad. Since I also tried to commit seppuku out of depression, and my guts spilled everywhere. But since the injury has happened, we’ve learned some things. Strasburg won’t go on the DL yet, and it’s turned out to be a grade one lat strain, which is somewhat good news. Grade one is better than other grades in terms of severity, and also you’re still young enough that your teacher might bring in juice boxes from everyone. Hopefully Stras can recover so we can turn this team back into the middling .500 club that it deserves to be.

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Erik Davis Called Up, Harper to DL, Rendon to AAA

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So he’s just Clippard without glasses?

After much speculation, a series of moves have taken place for the Nationals which threaten to reshape the game of baseball as we know it. Reshape in a very small way, like maybe make a half a millimeter dent in it.

Firstly, the Nationals called up relief pitcher Erik Davis. Unfortunately this is not former ballplayer Eric Davis, but it would’ve been silly to think it was. They look so different. Erik is 6’2″ 190 lbs, while Eric is 6’2″ 165 lbs.

Erik has put up solid numbers in Syracuse this season, and will be a welcome addition to a shaky Nationals pen. We’ve gotta do our best to make sure our pen isn’t as shaky down the line. We might get points off for poor penmanship.

To make room for Erik, the team put Bryce Harper on the DL. Now I know you might be very depressed, thinking that Harper’s career could end up being plagued with injuries, but let me tell you this. Every year, over 7 million children die from starvation. I just thought you should know. Since you’re already depressed about Harper, I figured it wouldn’t bum you out any worse.

Lastly, with room in Syracuse, the Nats promoted Anthony Rendon to AAA. Word has it that Rendon will try his hand at 2B, meaning that Danny Espinosa might be in trouble. I would tell him to shape up at some point this season or we’ll hand him his walking papers, but since he doesn’t walk we might have to try and find a new way to get rid of him.

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