Category Archives: Announcements

Harper and Zimmermann Make All Star Team


It’s weird that Harper and Zimm are on the team, since most Mets All Star Games consist of players who are not good.

Bryce Harper and Jordan Zimmermann have been selected to the 2013 All Star Game.

Harper makes the team for the 2nd straight year, only this time there is no denying that he deserves it. Last year after being announced as a candidate for the Final Vote, people could simply write programs to repeatedly vote his name on Twitter. Really cheap way to get your favorite player in. But this year people had to actually punch the holes out of all star ballots to get him in, and that takes work.

Jordan Zimmermann makes his first all star game appearance this year. I was worried that since he has a history of being so good with no run support, he’d fall victim to being so good with no voting support. But thankfully he was voted in by the players and coaches, and will no doubt confuse thousands of people into thinking Ryan Zimmerman was selected to the All Star Game.

In addition to these two, Ian Desmond is a candidate for this year’s Final Vote. We can only hope that, considering it is Desmond, there is an error in the voting tallying that somehow gets him in.

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An Apology for Not Really Posting Anything in a While


I just wanted to give you all an update that this blog still exists and that our lack of posting over the past few days has been a mix of vacationing, falling asleep at 9:30pm after working, and being occupied with trying to seek asylum in Ecuador. We gave away some secrets that people are upset about us saying. Who knew Davey Johnson being old was a national secret? I thought everyone knew!

So stay with us, because we’ll be posting an in-person update for Friday night’s Mets game, and generally trying to be our consistent selves in the future.

We Now Return to Your Regularly Scheduled Nationals Coverage

Oh, curly W. I forgot how seductive are your luscious curves.

Oh, curly W. How could I forget how seductive are your luscious curves.

While we hope you enjoyed The Zimmerman(n) Telegram’s brief foray into international coverage, the time for caring about the rest of the world is over. In fact, it’s time to stop caring about anything other than the Washington Nationals for the foreseeable future. You simply won’t have time to. Between watching Nationals games and then reading about them on this very blog, your life will be utterly consumed in #natitude and the #vomit you will produce after seeing the natitude hashtag everywhere.

As it should be. So, what are you waiting for? Divorce your spouse. Quit your job. Leave your children to die on a mountaintop. Get rid of all possible distractions from this impending baseball season that’s about to sit its entire 162-game girth down on our eagerly-awaiting abdomens.

We’ll be doing everything we can to facilitate the ruination of your non-baseball life, with all your favorite game summaries, transaction analyses, player profiles, impossibly witty signs, erotica, and some brand Spanking new features whose surprises I shall not yet spoil. The biggest difference from last season is that we’ll be trading quantity for quality (and less work) in game summaries – expect about one per series, instead of one per game. Don’t worry, though. We’ll make it up to you. Wink.

Without further ado…baseball jokes. Come get ’em.

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Happy 1 Year Anniversary, Us


Really, thank you for loving us.

1 year ago today, February 28th, 2012, myself and Neptooth started this blog. Coincidentally ever since then The Rolling Stones’ “Start Me Up” has been playing on a loop on my computer. Please. Help. I have no way of fixing this.

Thank you for supporting this blog. From our first follower to our second follower…I don’t think we have any more than that…all our followers have meant a great deal to us who created this. Thanks, both of our moms.

We hope you’ll stay with us for another 12 months. Or at least until Rafael Soriano throws his first pitch of the season, because that will be the downfall of us all.

EDIT: For some reason the post claims to have been posted on March 1st, despite it being very clearly 11:35 on February 28th. CURSE YOU WORDPRESS SERVERS BASED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ATLANTIC OCEAN FOR RUINING THIS SPECIAL DAY!

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Happy Holidays from The Zimmerman(n) Telegram


The only man I want to find coming down my chimney is Luis Ayala.

We here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Happy Holidays in general. We’re sorry we forgot to wish our Jewish readers a Happy Hanukkah a few weeks back, but I have a good reason. I charged up my computer, expecting it to last for eight days and eight nights, and wrote an extravagant and lengthy Hanukkah post. Sadly, my computer shut down after 6 hours, leading me to believe that the miracle of Hanukkah is all a lie.

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Today is Apparently National Kiss a Baseball Player Day


He’s on top of things.

According to many people on twitter, today is National Kiss a Baseball Player Day. Or rather, #NationalKissABaseballPlayerDay. People don’t have time to breathe between words anymore. even acknowledged it as something to seemingly exist. I don’t really know where it came from, but if Christmas is a National holiday then this should totally be one as well. I mean if we get days off of work to honor Jesus’ birth, why can’t we get a day off to honor a romantic act that could lead to the birth of another Jesus? Assuming Flores wants to name his son Jesus Jr.

Now I found out about this day so late that I missed nearly 22 of the 24 hours available to kiss a baseball player. I have 2 hours and 30 minutes left to kiss a baseball player and I don’t know where I can possibly find one. I can go get my brother who plays high school baseball, but that would be weird in a way that kissing a strange major leaguer you come across on the street is not.

If you live in the suburban area around New York let me know if you are a baseball player looking to be kissed. Even though I am not gay, I will probably do it just to say I kissed a baseball player. One time I used a bathroom at the same time as Goose Gossage, but that definitely wasn’t as intimate as it could have been. So let’s make something out of this day Mariano Rivera/Bernie Williams/other people around here.

This message is not directed towards Tom Gorzelanny.

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Join Haren’s Harem


There’s always room for more.

Sometimes a player has a name that makes it obvious as to what you should call his supporters. For Dan Haren, we are obviously his harem. Come out to games and give Dan your love. Hopefully we can satisfy his desires.

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Bob and F.P. Coming Back


It was a tough negotiating process, but F.P. finally got MASN to throw in a bunch of napkins so he could replicate classic moments like this. And also dribble spit uncontrollably without worrying about getting his shirt wet.

Losing a star hitter? Sad, as I’m sure Texas will soon tell you. Seeing an ace go to a rival? Also troubling, which I’m sure the Angels would agree with when Greinke leaves. But losing an announce booth? That might be the worst pain of all, unless you’re a White Sox fan of course. Because there is no greater pain I’m aware of than hearing Hawk Harrelson make your ears bleed every time someone hits a home run.

But for the Nationals, losing their announce team from last year would be a big blow. Thankfully, Bob and F.P. are coming back, as MASN has agreed to deals with them both for the 2013 season.

Continue reading

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Bryce Harper: NL Rookie of the Month


He also won best picture on the log flume.

Bryce Harper has been named the NL Rookie of the Month for September. He beat out other qualified candidates like…uh…sorry I don’t know of any since ESPN doesn’t seem to acknowledge other rookies exist aside from Harper and Trout.

Harper had 26 runs, 7 HR, a .651 SLG, 14 RBI and 4 steals en route to helping the Nationals win the division. He really showed up in September after a late summer of some disappointingly low productivity at times. But can you blame him? High school aged kids get lazy during the summer. At least he’s back into form in time for the school year.

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Nationals Win the NL East


I had no idea the Pirates would be so happy for us.

With a win tonight, the Nationals have won the NL East. No, it wasn’t a Nationals win, it was a win by the Pirates. The Pirates winning tied into a team becoming division champs? That’s rarer than Haley’s Comet.

The Nationals lost vs. the Phillies, but who cares. We’re division champs. We’re safe from the wild card, which to be honest, always did fuck me over in Uno. I’m glad we can sit back and bask in the glory of a divisional title, while Atlanta fights for their lives. Better fight for them while they still matter, cause you have nothing to live for once Chipper is gone.

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