Category Archives: Announcements

Bo Porter to Manage Houston Astros


Ryan laughs as Bo tells him a funny joke. He would later find out that Bo wanting to manage Houston is all too real.

Bo Porter is a masochist. At least he must be, after accepting the job to manage the Houston Astros next season. The story was broken just minutes ago by Jon Morosi that Porter would be leaving the Nationals to take the vacant managerial post in 2013. Porter will be at the helm for a big transition, as the team moves to the AL. I can’t foresee much success there though. While most AL teams have a designated hitter, the Astros will be the first team without one. Not because they will lack the position, but they lack anyone who can actually make contact.

Losing Bo is tough. He’s been with the team for 2 full seasons, and has done so much in that time. Raising his arms. Twirling his arms. All those things! He’ll be hard to replace.

Luckily, Bo will stay with the team throughout the playoffs. I guess it’s nice to give him the chance to experience something that he’ll never come close to in his new post. Let’s win this though, if not for the city then for the man who has made many arm motions in his time at third base. “Go for Bo!” will be the rallying cry of this team as they go further into the playoffs. I hope the Secret Service don’t misconstrue that as a plan to try and kidnap the Obama’s dog.

Wait a second…I think I might have found the solution to our impending vacancy:


Our new third base coach.

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Come Out For the Teddy in 2012 Series


Hopefully another assassination attempt doesn’t dampen the occasion.

The Nationals have dedicated their last series of the season to the President that everyone loves. No, not Kang or Kodos. I mean the President everyone loves by choice. Teddy! That’s right, as the Phillies come to town from October 1st to 3rd, the Nationals will host a “Teddy in 2012” series. It’s very fitting they’re playing Philadelphia considering most of the Phillies fans, male and female, are as big and hairy as bull moose. You can read all about the series and get tickets here.

The big question for the series is will Teddy win? After hundreds of failures in the Presidents Race, can Teddy finally cross the finish line first? It certainly is possible. But technically so is Mitt Romney winning the Presidential race. Just cause they’re possible, doesn’t mean they’re anywhere close to likely.

I always thought that Teddy winning should be on some grand occasion. I’m not sure if a series vs. the Phillies is the time to do that. Giving your biggest rival a chance to be present for history? Why give them that pleasure. And how do we know one of them won’t try and take a shot at Teddy to prevent him from some grand comeback. To prevent catastrophe, let’s stuff that giant head with folded up speeches.

I guess we’ll just have to see what the Nats decide to do. Maybe they’ll replace the other Presidents with Teddy’s greatest rivals, to make it real special. How about a race like we saw in the 1912 Presidential election? Taft in a rolling bathtub, Dusty Baker can suit up as Woodrow Wilson considering Dusty’s recent unfortunate experience, and a Eugene V. Debs character as well, assuming the person portraying him doesn’t go on strike.

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Nats Clinch Playoff Spot


Not this one. Anyone can go to this playoff spot. Well, not this season actually.

We have done it. The Washington Nationals are postseason bound for the first time in this team’s history. From 2005-2011, this team “worked hard” to make the playoffs. At least that’s what they say. But signing people like Elijah Dukes and Wil Nieves suggested they wanted to be anywhere but the postseason.

However this season has been special, and now the team is guaranteed to play October baseball. Oh, yeah I guess that’s been a guarantee ever since the regular season was scheduled to run a little late this year. But playing the Phillies is not so much meaningful nowadays as it is traumatizing. How am I supposed to explain to my child that people can smell as bad and be as ugly as them? Please think of an alternative to letting him watch Tom Gorzelanny appearances. That would be even more frightening.

It’s the first playoff appearance for the franchise since 1981, and the first for a Washington team since 1933, just around Davey Johnson’s college graduation. Hopefully a division title is just around the corner, because if it isn’t then we’ll have to play a wildcard tiebreaker. And if you think that’s not a big deal, well guess what. No team hasĀ everĀ won a wildcard tiebreaker. That’s how tough it is.

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2013 Schedule Announced


The Pope will be back for a crucial late September series.

Teams across the league announced their preliminary 2013 schedules today. Here is the Nationals schedule. It’s a big change from past years thanks to the Astros’ move to the AL, since there will be an interleague game every day of the year. I don’t like it, it’s immoral. We can’t have this mixing of leagues taking over more than it has. What’s next? American League-Atlantic League exhibitions? That is just disgusting to imagine.

The Nats open at home vs. the Marlins on April 1st. A fitting date for the Marlins to come to town, given that the Marlins fooled the entire league into thinking they would contend so they could get a stadium. Hilarious!

Interleague comes to Washington in just the second week of the season as the White Sox will be here. Who will Obama root for? He’s been so confused in the past. I guess there’s always a chance he could be bi.

One of the coolest things in the schedule is a home-home series vs. the Orioles at the end of May. They play two in DC and then two in Baltimore. Could it be a rematch of the World Series? Hahaha. Wait, I forgot that’s not a joke I can make anymore. Yes, it quite possibly could.

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Your First Place 2012 Washington Nationals Men’s Gymnastics Team


The Nationals showing off their new alternate uniforms.

Rookie hazing is a part of baseball. It’s kind of like fraternity hazing, only there’s a lot less alcohol involved. Unless you’re a member of the Houston Astros, where that is the only thing to numb the harsh reality that you’re a Houston Astro. Thanks to a tweet from Gio Gonzalez, we found out just how the Nationals are hazing their rookies; by making them dress up as the 2012 USA women’s Olympic gymnastics team.

Well now just who is who? Which National is which Gold Medalist Olympian?

Continue reading

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Stephen Strasburg Shut Down


The Gods are angry about this foolish decision.

In a shocking decision, the Nationals have shut down Stephen Strasburg before his expected Wednesday start. He finishes the season just shy of 160 IP, 200 K, and 1 contribution in the playoffs.

Many will second guess this decision, but Mike Rizzo refuses to listen to anyone who disagrees with it. He would make a pretty spot-on American politician for this reason, and also because he is an old white man.

We will miss you Stephen. As much as the bats missed your breaking pitches.

On a happier note, the John Lannan era begins again! …yay…

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Come Join us at Nationals Park on Friday and Saturday


That could be us!

For just the second time this season, both writers for this blog will be attending a Nationals game together. As you read this, I sit on a bus on my way down to Washington to see our beloved Nats take on nobody’s beloved Marlins.

On Friday, come find us down the right field line in section 134. On Saturday, we’ll be in right field in section 140. You can recognize us by our newly created signs: “Bryceratops,” and “Great Black Shark,” the latter of which was inspired by the people at We would love to meet our many fans, which we’re certain we have at least one of.

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Welcome Back Chien-Ming Wang (I Guess)


I guess we shouldn’t have thrown away all his uniforms.

After another lengthy absence brought on by another injury, Wang is back. Yes, the very Wang we loved at one time, but after multiple performance failures, became a frustrating thing to deal with. I guess we can give this marriage between him and the Nationals another chance, even though it really isn’t very fulfilling anymore. Maybe Wang will surprise us. Anything to liven up this nearly dead relationship.

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Nationals Recall Corey Brown


It’s time to play, so no more taking vacations for Brown. Which is good for his family, they don’t have to take more of these weird vacation photos he demands.

Corey Brown is back! Nearly. The Nationals plan to have Brown on the roster for tomorrow’s game. So it’s really the eve of Brown’s return. Almost as exciting a time as Christmas Eve. Just like Santa, Corey will sneak in during the night tonight, although if you see him coming down your chimney call the police. He’s probably going to rob you since league minimum doesn’t pay all the bills.

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Nats Call up Zach Duke and Christian Garcia


Hopefully Garcia continues to make hitters angry, like when he infuriated Nick Swisher by being so good at video games.

The Duke of Zachs has arrived to rule over Washington. He will rule with an iron fist, which explains why he’s declined as a pitcher. Must be hard to not throw everything into the ground with a hand that heavy.

In addition to adding a Duke, this team just got a little more Christian. No, we didn’t hire a team priest. That would be too dangerous with all the young players on our team. We called up Christian Garcia. Garcia has yet to pitch in the big leagues, despite playing 9 years of professional baseball. I suppose he’s just like a fine wine. Teams have just been waiting for him to reach the perfect age before consumption. Like some experiences with wine, let’s hope he ends up tasting great. As opposed to other experiences with wine that make ourselves regret every decision we made.

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